(letter to Santa, by way of my husband)

Dear Santa,

my husband asked me to send this to him as well. i know you guys are in cahoots, so i really don't mind.

i KNOW i have been a good girl this year (because i wasn't last year) and he can vouch for that. HE, on the other hand.... well.. he had a rocky start this year. but he's a very good boy now. i promise.

as good as he is right now, i wonder if i should even really be making a list. because having the man he is now is such a wonderful gift that i really couldn't ask for more. and we have a marriage again, too. which is nicer than it was, even from the beginning. there is joy and happiness and a love that i have never known. our house is filled with laughter and silliness, respect and adoration. these are gifts that i was unsure we could ever have again. so making a list for you, Santa, seems selfish. i have all that i could want. i have my husband back. no, i have the husband of my dreams. the white knight he promised me 5 years ago. so, he was a little late... i didnt exactly make his arrival easy. but he's here. and i am thankful and appreciative of the gift which is us.

but if you feel that i am deserving of more gifts, i have a small list for you.

* lime squeezer
* coffee-maker
* tea pot
* purple sheets for our bed
* barbie dreamhouse
* tonka dumptruck
* pedicure
* romantic time with my husband (making out, dancing in the courtyard, swinging in the park, showers together, picnic at palo duro canyon, etc.)
* and if its not too much trouble, can you put in a good word with mother nature that we would perhaps like an extra stocking hanging by the fireplace next year? or even maybe an easter basket the year after? it's not too time sensitive... just send her a cookie bouquet or something? thanks Santa.

but it's really ok if you just come to see eddie on christmas day. he's had a really rough year. and there are days when i don't make it easy for him to feel like we are moving forward. so he could use a little extra love. because i am working my little butt off loving him up as much as i can. it's a fun gig, but sometimes i need some outside help showing him how much i love him. you know, because i am biased.

i hope all of your journeys are safe this holiday season.

best wishes,
~christel elaine

fountain of youth

so, the main gay and i were talking about his new eye cream the other night. he told me that the man i saw before me would not be the same man the next day.

he would be "but a lad of 20 years"

i said, "lad???? hell with that shit, you'll be but a zygote"

and without skipping a beat, he says,

"but i don't have shoes for that!?!?!"








damn near peed at walmart.

in a word....

ROTTEN.


as in, "christel is spoiled ROTTEN."


wanna know why?





on the morning of my birthday, i finally got to open the james avery package that my parents sent . i had been DYING to get into it for about a week. i knew it was going to be something fabulous... and really wanted to see what it was. so, before i even got in the shower that morning, i tore into it. what did i find?

a GORGEOUS RING!!!!!
it looks a lot, if not exactly like this:























beautiful, no?

i KNOW!

so i wore it to work and showed it off and kept checking it out in the track lighting. it is so pretty. i adore it! thanks mom and dad. i love you!


on my way home, E called to inform me that the gift he had for me (that he paid EXTRA to have delivered on saturday) would not be here until monday. he was bummed. i was bummed. but we had a magnificent dinner, and went shopping for our christmas tree.


cut to today. i am off work. sitting on the couch in my PJs, knitting (because i am a KNITTER) and the doorbell rings. we are expecting several packages. our new computer case, some cables, and a router for said computer and MOST importantly (at least to me) my SUPER FANTASTIC THING.... that i have had to wait 2 more days for.

the guy gives me the box for the case.. and then a smaller box.
i go pounce on my sleeping husband BEGGING him to let me open the box. he told me to wait until he got up. i told him i had waited long enough.
i took the box into the bedroom and he tells me "its probably just the router"


as i dig into the box, i find bubble wrap and a smaller box. a jewelry sized box. i can hardly contain myself. 2 jewelries for my birthday, YAY!

i open the box. and the velvet box... and inside was this:












no, i am NOT lying. and its even more spectacular than the picture shows. this sucker is HUGE!!!! it has to be at least 2 carats. and 6 diamonds on each side.

its BREATH-TAKING.
thank you so very much my sweet husband. i love you too!


so, i not only have a beautiful blue topaz to wear for EVERYDAY, i now have another one to wear for special occasions. you know, like Tuesdays.... or International Talk Like A Pirate Day.


last, but not least, i got a really cute coffee cup clock and coffee box from my aunt, sweet little initial hooks from my grandmother, which will be PERFECT for hanging stockings for The Fat Man. and from my floridian family, i got a huge metal sign that reads, "QUEEN"

fitting, no?

and from work, i got flowers and cake and whistles, and gifties, and several mentions on the radio.


so, thank you to all of you who made my day so very very special. i am such a lucky girl.

Once t’upon a time...

...there was a woman, who really really wanted children. Finally after 6 miscarriages she was finally going to carry a baby to term. She knew from the moment she conceived that it was going to be a girl. She called her Christel, even though her husband really wanted a boy and called it Bozo. But she was convinced beyond a doubt it would be a girl.

The pregnancy went along fine and mommie-to-be was happy as could be. The baby was not in a hurry to join the world. The pregnancy was 3 weeks past due and the mommie was miserable. She and hubby had done everything to hurry the delivery along to no avail. Then one night he comes in all excited that his friend Eddie has tickets to a San Antonio Spurs basketball game. The mommie is not excited, what if she goes into labor and he’s in the middle of a basketball game. This was before the age of cell phones. Anyway she said she guessed he could go so long as his friend’s wife, Carolyn, would “baby”sit her. Carolyn agreed and off the guys go to watch the Spurs.

The mommie and Carolyn played some cards. About 8:00 the mommie couldn’t get comfortable, her lower back was bothering her. So they stopped sitting in uncomfortable chairs and went in the other room to watch some TV.

Carolyn said that the mommie might be in labor, but the mommie said she wasn’t in pain, just uncomfortable. Finally about midnight the fellas arrived home. Needless to say, you can’t go to a Spurs game and not drink beer, so they were a little tipsy and a lot tired.

On the way home, the poppa asked if she wanted to go to the hospital, it was on the way home. The mommie had already been to the hospital once with “false” labor and didn’t want to do that again. She said, “no I’m not having any pains, let’s just go home and go to sleep”, which they did… for a while anyway.

About 1:00.the mommie’s water broke. She tried to wake the poppa up, but he wasn’t having any of it. When she finally convinced him that it was time to go he got in an all-out hurry. Meanwhile, the mommie was putting on a little make-up, after all this is a big day and she wanted to look her best. The poppa was antsy and was trying to rush her out the door.

Once they arrived at the hospital it was all excitement. But her labor was slow, slow, slow. The poppa was asleep (or maybe passed out) in a chair. Contractions were fast so the doctor started the epidural. Then her contractions stopped. They started her on a pitocin drip only to find out there was a hole in the tubing and most of the pitocin was in a puddle on the floor. The poppa woke up occasionally to see how she was doing, basically he was not much help.

Finally her contractions started again, she was completely dilated and they told her it was time to push. She was pushing good, but, wait, they realized she was not fully dilated to they told her to stop pushing. Now it really was time. They took her to the delivery room -by now it is about 4:30 the next afternoon. The epidural had worn off, so they did a spinal. She was exhausted and wanted to give up. The only thing that kept her pushing was that she really, really wanted to know if the baby had red hair. A very tuned-in nurse kept coaxing her to push by saying “we can almost see her, I think her hair is red, but push one more time so I can be sure”. Finally, after much pushing and then use of the “salad forks”, Christel was born. At 5:02 December 3, 1975. The mommie waited anxiously for that first cry. And did she ever cry, holler was more like it.

The mommie was totally worn out, and now she was numb from her toes to her throat, she had no energy to even cough. When they brought Christel to her to hold, she started crying, scared to death she would drop her. But the nurse helped her and she didn’t drop her.

She was the most beautiful thing the mommie had ever seen. And she came from her, you see the mommie was adopted and this was the first person in the world she was really related to. The mommie couldn’t stop crying, tears of joy, and exhaustion, and excitement, and more joy. It was almost too much emotion to handle.

Then they took Christel to the nursery and finished up with the mommie. After the mommie spent 3 hours in recovery she was finally allowed to go to the nursery to see her brand new daughter. And guess what that little girl was doing when the mommie saw her the first time---she was up on her elbows looking around at the world in amazement. And guess what, she still looks at the world in amazement and with a sense of awe.

Today she is 30 years old. She is the light of my life, my first and best treasure. I love her more than she will ever know. She has grown into a beautiful, witty, caring, sensitive, smart, loving woman. She is all the mommie every hoped for, and more.

Happy Birthday, Baby.

Love, The Mommie.

fat activity

ok so yeah, whilst talking to alliepants yesterday, she was telling me a story that started with, "if i didnt have a rice krispie treat in my hand at all times, i was entertaining homicidal thoughts". and then she told me that not only were they ooey and gooey goodness, but they were also butterscotch.













BUTTERSCOTCH!
RICE!
KRISPIE!
TREATS!
PEOPLE!!!!!

needless to say, i made her repeat whatever words she made after "....treats" because i TOTALLY went into a place with where the unicorns were made from butterscotch rice krispie treats...

which TOTALLY meant i had to make them, right? i mean, i AM a Number!

so, i am going to share the recipe. and i bet that they arent nearly as good as they would be if allie was in my veryownpersonal house making them for me.

here goes:

• 3 tbls of buttah
• 1 package of butterscotch morsels
• 1 package of shmallows
• 6 cups of rice krispies

on low heat, melt buttah. add morsels. add shmallows. mix till ooey. add krispies and mix.

pour (dump) into a greased 9x13 and smoosh till flat.

the hardest part of this is NOT burning your fingers trying to shovel it into your mouth instead of the pan.

oh sweet yummy goodness....

hallowed be thy name.

hi! hi! hi!

i'm back. did you miss me? i know you DID!!!!!

vacay was FABULOUS! got to see all my peeps and my family and my doggie. it was perfect. we had the best time.

the turkey was the best i'd ever had... and am SO upset that i don't even get any of the turkey sandwiches, but the shining light is that since E didn't go with me, we are going to have our very own lil thanksgiving. so i get to make the same turkey momma did. Y-U-M!

seeing all my peeps was great. the one main sentiment i heard was about how long my hair has gotten. i forgot that when i started hanging out with those freaks, i had just cut off 14 inches for Locks of Love so the fact that my hair is on it way back to "normal for me" was not a big deal. but they adored my tresses... and really, who can blame them?

we ate and laughed and drank big beers and ate some more and laughed some more. and then the HUGGING!!!! good lawd the hugging. i miss all you Peeps already. we will do it again soon.

and then my family! yay family! it was so nice to be able to see my family again in such a relatively short time. i could get used to those visitation rights. the mommie and daddie were both fantastic! and seeing my other one baby brother was nice too. i cant believe he is going to be 21 soon. am i really that old to have a "brother who can legally buy beer"? yeah, i didn't think so either. but he and i had fun. mostly on our trips to wal*mart. yes, we are those obnoxious people at wal*mart who run around like banshees! you never know, we could be coming to wal*mart near you!

so i ate and drank and laughed and taught my momma how to knit ( i mean REALLY???? how cute is that?!?!?!) we ate some more and had an all around awesome time.

the only bad part about the whole thing was my husband who was unable to stow himself in my luggage. i kept hoping that with each pair of socks i removed, he would spring out and surprise me... alas, no. but next time i head back, it will read, "we went back to SC" not just "i".

and as for thanksgiving, i am thankful for many things.
i am thankful for my wonderful friends and family.
i am thankful for second chances.
i am thankful for honesty.
and i am thankful for my new husband and the opportunity to be a new wife. the people we were before just didn't fit right. the new people we are now are a perfect fit.

i hope your holiday was and will be one filled with as much love and happiness as mine was.

about

1. Spell your first name backwards: L E T S I R H C
2. Story behind your name: i was almost named Carisa after a street in Dallas, where my mom used to go "necking". good thing, THAT didnt happen. but i think "Christel" just came to her one day. she always knew i was going to be Christel.
3. How old are you: 29 and 50/52nds
4. Where do you live: Amarillo... that's TEXAS, baby.
5. Wallet: black with a monkey on the front (duh). i have some credit cards, fortunes, and frequent shopper cards. i have a very organized wallet. i hate watching someone dig thru gum wrappers and receipts to find their money.
6. Toothbrush: purple, made by Crest
7. Jewelry worn daily: nose ring, 3 piercings in left ear= diamond stud, silver hoop, and changeable earring. 2 piercings in right = silver hoop and changeable earring. one silver ring on middle finger of right hand, wedding ring and BIG HONKIN diamond on left.
8. Pillow cover right now: blue and green stripes
9. Sunglasses: tortoise shell...identical to Ang's even thought we bought them at separate times
10. Favorite shirt: Property of U.S.M.C. i assume it's in storage right now.
11. Cologne/Perfume: E likes me to wear Halo, Pink, and rapture by Victoria's Secret, but my old favorite is Carolina Herrera
12. CD in stereo right now: Indigo Girls - all that we let in
13. Piercings : ears and nose. that damned belly button ring hurt too much
14. What you are wearing now: NADA!
15. Wishing: that i will find a pair of contacts that will be comfortable
16. Wanting: E to magically appear at my mom and dad's this week
17. After this: headed to werk
18. If you could get away with it and murder anyone who would it be? - Murder? no one. Mystery Illness....the list is real fuckin long!(ditto)
19. Person you wish you could see right now: the Numbers, Ang, but i will see a lot of my Homies this week
20. Favorite movie: Auntie Mame
21. Something you're looking forward to in the coming week: huggin up on my baby brother... and oh yeah, did i menton i get to see AlliePants? and my mom and dad? and Donna? and my peeps?
22. The last thing you ate: 3 chocolate chip Pecan Sandies
23. Something you are deathly afraid of: icebergs, snakes, leaving a loved one without saying "i love you"
24. Do you believe in love at first sight? sho do
25. What is the longest you've ever stayed up? 2 days
26. Can you eat with chopsticks? yes, and when my hair is long - i can use then to put my hair up too. (again with the ditto)
27. What's something that you wish people would understand better: patience, politeness, manners, and that we are all the same on the inside.
28. What's something you wish you could understand better? nuclear physics
29. What is something that you wish was still around? the way people had respect for themselves and other people in the movies and TV shows of the 50's.
30. How many people have you kissed? lots. i am an equal opportunity kisser
31.Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friend? sure would. i even offered to send E to Allie once. and Ang knows that whatever i have is hers.
32. Where is your favorite place to shop? old navy, world market, hobby lobby, and walgreens. (i'm a drugstore whore)
33. Have any tattoos: 3. one celtic trinity on my leg. a chinese rabbit on my right hip, and the gaelic word for "knowledge" on the back of my neck
34. What is your favorite thing to wear: the smell of my honey... or his PJs.
35. How much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing: 200+ on a leather jacket for E. unless you count wedding dress... oh wait, my mommie paid for that.
36.. Who is the least fashionable person you know? prolly myself. i dont keep up on all that stuff... i am built for comfort.
37. What is the worst trend you see today? looking sloppy... and flip-flops with EVERYTHING!!!
38. Do you do drugs- i used to do the drugs, but now the only thing i drop is folic acid...
39. What would you change about yourself? just the girl on the outside. i love the girl on the inside.
40. What are essentials in your life? family, friends, Numbers, laughter, beer, bacon, chocolate, lipgloss, and an unwavering voice.

3 guesses

as to WHO IS SICK, again.


and the first 2 guesses don't count!



yeah.
me.
a-gain.

or should i say still. i had like a minute of health and then the rapid descent into the Hanta-BirdFlu-WestNile-Ebola that is inhabiting my body making my poor little white blood cells work their little asses off.


good thing my mommie will be taking GOOOOOOOOD care of me by tuesday.

send me chicken soup and chocolate chip pancake wishes.



oh, and my birthday is in EGGZACKLY 2 weeks. please shop accordingly. because you only turn 29 twice.

hurry

gotta post fast before my computer crashes again.

i had a FABULOUS post on sunday and halfway through it, my computer froze. no saving. no rebooting. no NOTHING!!!!

i had to do a hard shut-down. after many expletives and staring at the screen, blinking, thinking, "really? did that really just happen? are you KIDDING me?!?!?! REALLY!?!?!?!"


so, needless to say, i havent posted much because i am afraid of the Phantom Computer Freezing Gnomes who reside in my CPU.


but a new comp is coming. after much threatening and cussing... a new one is in the works.

be patient. if i have to, you do too.

spiked limes

i went an got dinner for Sick Boy and myself last night... i went to a place where i know has great breakfast burritos and has the "Best Cherry Limes!" advertised. i figured, since i didn't stop for OJ, the lime juice would be good for the vitamin C, or at least ward off The Scurvy.

so, 2 cheeseburgers, 2 fries, and 1 giant Cherry Lime later, i was on my way back home.

we consumed our healthful and nutritious meal at 8:00 pm. by 8:45 pm we were both knocked out on the couch. i mean full-on snoring, mouth-breathing, drooling PASSED THE FUCK OUT!

i dont know what they put in that cherry lime, but it kicked our asses. so, we peeled ourselves off the couch and crawled into bed at a ridiculous 9:30 pm... and went nigh-night. i woke up around 11 thinking i had been out forever, and it was time to get up. nope, it was only 11. i was up again at 3 when E couldn't sleep anymore. and then finally got up at 6 am.

what are we? 97 year olds?

sheesh.

WTF

is up with my slow ass loading on my blog???? that must be why i've only had like 5 hits in a few days.


insanity!

oh well until it gets figured out, bear with us while we sort out the technical difficulties.



things 'round here have been out of sorts lately. i have been on the edge of the Hanta Virus - Ebola Death Rattle for bout the past 10 days. its one of those where it moves from your throat to your nose to your lungs, back to your nose and finishes with a nice wheeze. i have been one carton of Lucky Strikes and a bottle of Wild Turkey away from trying my hand at singing the blues... or doing the next voice overs for Darth Vader. sheesh.

but i think all is healing. my little cells are working so hard. i should be DROPPING pounds the way my body is working so damned hard. alas, the scales have decided to mock my pain. oh well.

halloween was fun today. we did the Wizard of Oz. yes, i was the Wicked Witch, of course. i looked mahvelous! we were only missing the Scarecrow and some Munchkins... but it turned out pretty ok. i'll post pictures when Jason sends them to me. (the bastard who got me sick by coughing on my pens while i wasn't looking)


also i get to hug my mommie and my daddie in 4 days. *insert Snoopy dance here*
I.CANT.WAIT! i also get to hug on some other family too, but i'm real damn excited about seeing the mom and dad. so what, i'm still a momma's girl. and she'll kick your ass if it were any other way.








so, whats new with you?

(comments have been turned back on. please don't make me shut them off again. signed, Mgmt.)

Christel Needs

like all good Numbers, we are copycats.

so, like you saw on Tasty's blog, i too have chosen to the "Christel Needs Google Survey"

1. Christel needs... a neighbor
2. Christel needs... your votes for State Representative in Stamfod, CT
3. Christel needs... your home sale
4. Christel needs... help driving her donkey
5. Christel needs... the right of Free Access
6. Christel needs... to teach you about Falsity, Ambiguity, and Metaphors
7. Christel needs... to help you with all of your Real Estate needs
8. Christel needs... to accompany her, Antje, and Karola to the West Bank
9. Christel needs... cheese and butter trading support and future deliveries
10. Christel needs... you to buy her corsets

so, if any of you can help me with that, please email me IMMEDIATELY!

momma's girl

one of my new favorite songs...

Baby Girl, by Sugarland

They say in this town, stars stay up all night,
Well, I don’t know, can’t see ‘em for the glow of the neon lights.
An' it's a long way from here to the place where the home fires burn.
Well it's two thousand miles and one left turn.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
Please send money
I’m so broke that it ain’t funny.
Well, I don't need much; just enough to get me through.
Please don’t worry 'cause I'm all right,
I’m playin’ here at the bar tonight.
Well, this time, I’m gonna make our dreams come true.
Well, I love you more than anything in the world,
Love,
Your baby girl."

Black jack, blue sky: big town full of little white lies.
Well, everybody’s your friend you can never be sure.
They'll promise fancy cars an' diamond rings,
an' all sorts of shiny things,
But, girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
Please send money
I’m so broke that it ain’t funny.
Well, I don't need much; just enough to get me through.
Please don’t worry 'cause I'm all right,
See, I’m playin’ here at the bar tonight.
Well, this time, I’m gonna make our dreams come true.
Well, I love you more than anything in the world,
Love,
Your baby girl."

I know that I’m on my way.
Well, I can tell every time I play.
An' I know it’s worth all the dues I pay,
When I can write to you and say:

"Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ll send money.
I’m so rich that it ain’t funny.
Well it oughtta be more than enough to get you through.
Please don’t worry 'cause I’m all right,
See, I’m stayin’ here at the Ritz tonight
Whaddya know, we made our dreams come true.
An' there are fancy cars an' diamond rings,
But you know that they don't mean a thing.
Well, they all add up to nothin' compared to you.
Well, remember me in ribbons an' curls.
I still love you more than anything in the world:
Love,
Your baby girl."

high road

hi kids,

due to some recent unpleasant visitors, i have taken the comments off.

love and coffeebeans,
~christel

absent

i was informed by allie that i failed to mention my little trip i took this week.

i guess i was so wrapped up in getting it all organized, that i forgot. sorry. but it was fun. thanks for asking!

i went down to Dallas on friday and hung out with my brother, grandmother, aunt and cousins. we got up saturday morning and had an AWESOME breakfast. i cant believe that i get to see them again in only a few weeks. i'm so PSYCHED!
later in the day, i got ready for my friend jenny's wedding. whom i have known since junior high. yes, she witnessed my bad 80's hair and had lived to tell about it.

the wedding was amazing. beautiful. i cried the WHOLE way through. seriously.

the reception was perfect. i didnt dance with the groom, but i did dance with the bride... so that was as it should be. i hung out with one of our friends from high school and her husband and we had THE BEST TIME!

i still can't believe that jenny, juan, jenga, jgt, got married. and her husband's a cutie too. CONGRATULATIONS YOU 2!

after dragging myself back to my aunt's house at midnight, i dragged my ass back out of bed at 4 am to head down to georgetown to finish the rest of my trip.

damn was that EARLY!!!!

i got to Ang's house a little after 8. she was pretty freaked even though she was not showing it. ya see, she and HER hubby have been married 10 years and were going on a cruise for their anniversary. so i went down to help watch her monsters kids. 4 of them. from the ages of 18 months to 11 years. 2 girls 2 boys. in that order. good thing they love their aunt christel and were perfect demons angels for me the whole time. we also had grandparents who had full-time duty and i was just crowd control. so i had cheerleading practice and homework duty for the girls while grandma and grandpa had t-ball practice and the toddler. it was fun. it was way fun. i still find myself doing cheers in my head... but that should go away soon, we hope.

i stayed at another friend's house while i was there. and by "friend" i mean "damned near family". i met their son, my senior year of high school and spent LOTS of time at their house in the years following. Mike and i had the old pact that if neither one of us was married by 28.... we would marry each other. we all know how that turned out. but the cool thing is that even though i didnt marry their son, we are still family. and they welcomed E into their open arms. they even put us up the week before our wedding and we had our rehearsal dinner at their house. so i stayed with them. even though they have an empty nest, it was perfectly fine to stay there. the funny thing was when mike was leaving to go back to his house and i was on the inside of the house and he was on the outside.... its usually the other way around. i said something about "this feels different" and he said, "nah, it's just right." love that boy. his whole damn fam i love. if you met them, you would too. thanks, B's for a terrific time! love you all.

so Ang should get back on sunday and i will hear how that went.

so i'm home. i still haven't unpacked. my lotion exploded in one of the pockets. that ought to be fun to clean out. E and i have a date tonight... and life is still terribly perfect.

SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!!!!!

earlier this year a very good friend of mine found out she had breast cancer. they have done the mastectomy, and have started the chemo. and i am not (physically) there for her. i am here. and its driving me NUTS!

so, in my surfing during sunday morning, i found this website for the Boobie-Thon. and in a bizarre act of love and feeling helpless, and totally against my modesty, i went ahead and submitted a photo.

had i not already had the picture on my computer, i probably would not have sent it in, but since i had taken it as a joke for E, i figured, "hell, why not?"

i'm not nude... so don't go looking for it. you will be sorely let down. but it's still a great rack. for a good cause.


so. my boobs are now out on the internets. we all knew it was only a matter of time.








(and i know there are a few of you who know my views on the cancer societies... etc. but this was done for a LOCAL reason, not a GLOBAL one. so back down off your hypocrisy box)

meet the Stupids

yes yes, we have all read or written about

blog + work = B.A.D.


but but but... like, i have SOOOOOOOOOO many stories to tell.

• like the one about the man with the voicemail icon on his phone and screaming at me to GET! IT! OFF! I! DON'T! HAVE! VOICE! MAIL! "ummm, yes sir you do, because that's what that little icon means, want i should retrieve that for you?" (and i made the man listen to his OWN voicemail and was *THIS* close to berating him. but instead i showed him how to do the voo-doo that i do to make the little talky box work)
• or the woman who brought her phone in because it wasn't working properly, and upon battery removal we saw the "water damage indicator sticker" was RED instead of WHITE and told her she had water damage. she claimed she NEVER got it wet. after many hours of making her listen to Barry Manilow and shoving bamboo under her fingernails, she FINALLY admitted to keeping the damn phone in HER BRA! it wasn't so much "water" as "sweat" damage. (and you made *ME* touch that thing?????)
• how about the man with the 10 minute "emergency only" plan who went over his minutes by oh, i don't know... 200! and then claimed he made NO phone calls, and why was his bill so high? after i looked at his last dialed call log, and SHOWED him that he had made calls, he said, "well that's kinda like getting your hand stuck in the cookie jar, huh?" YA THINK!?!?!?!
• perhaps you'd like to hear about the guy who brought his phone in and was FURIOUS that it wasn't working and he'd JUST bought it. and once we took the back off, we noticed his BATTERY was missing. sir, did you have the battery when you LEFT the store?
• ever heard the one about the lady who was afraid of giving herself a heart attack because she keeps her phone on "vib-a-rate" in her bra? (again, you made *ME* touch that thing?)
• and finally, let me tell you about the woman who's phone was "deader than a doornail" and i was *THIS* close to doing a warranty call on it, until she handed me the phone and i turned it on and it came on. and she asked how i did it. and i showed her the power button and she said she had NEVER turned it on before and didn't even know where the power button was. i am a freakin messenger of satan with the powers that i possess!

frightening to see that not only coffee-drinkers leave their brains at home, no?

P.S.A.

do not, i repeat, DO NOT write love notes, to your husband, on the bathroom mirror with cheap lip gloss.

it will form a strange polymer bond at the VERY instant a droplet of windex hits it.

that is all.

"Number" is Latin for "Sheep"

The Numbers are basically one person split 5 ways. kinda like tequila shots in South Carolina. (if you don't get that, it's ok) so when one of does something, its a pretty sure bet that we all will follow suit. right down to our toenail polish and ie cream choices.

today's post, as done by Tasty and Allie.
Lola gets a free pass since she is the Leader of the Goat Rodeo right now... and i am pretty sure M'ary doesnt even know HOW to use a computer anymore.

here goes:


10 years ago I was…
living on my own (kinda) in my hometown. i had just left my boyfriend/fiancee for the 1st time. i was in a 410 sq foot apartment shared with a girl i had known for 3 days. i was working at a coffeehouse (surprise!) in round rock, tx and then at a NY style deli.

5 years ago I was…
about to celebrate my 2 month anniversary with E. living in greenville, sc by myself. working for a wireless phone company (see how my life repeats on itself) stupidly happy and about to pull the world-famous "this relationship is too good, i HAVE to get out NOW" routine. see how well that worked?

1 year ago I was…
mourning the death of our kitten Simon Avery. and wondering if i had made the right decision to stay back in SC when E left for amarillo. managing and roasting at a coffeehouse. oh, and being a horrible ogre to everyone.

Yesterday I was…
at work (at a wireless company) enjoying the laughter of one of my customers. i have been thinking about how her laugh was so sweet and infectious. also another co-worker and i were doing terribly goofy and fantastically silly things, all the while avoiding work. ( i have an AWESOME picture to document the silliness) also i spent the day sending sweet texts to my husband.

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
my momma's artichoke dip
oreos
cake
cheesy garlic bread
chili tots from the Vortex in atlanta (as long as accompanied by Numbers and pitchers of Shiner)

5 songs I know all the words to:
into the mystic (van morrison)
true companion (marc cohn)
ghost (indigo girls)
istanbul, not constantinople (they might be giants)
nuthin but a "G" thang (dr. dre) 1, 2, 3, and to the 4 right, Ang?

5 things I would do with a billion dollars:
give a riduculous amount to charities
buy an island and a coffee plantation
build a resort on my island where all my friends/family could stay for free
invest for our future generations
buy conditioner

5 places ideal for running away:
the beach
the beach
the beach (on my island)
peru
scotland

5 items you’ll never see me wear:
a brand name emblazoned across my ass
anything made by sean john, g unit, baby phat, etc.
really short hair
a jock strap
my welcome out

5 best TV shows:
will and grace
M*A*S*H
the muppet show
good eats
that's incredible (remember that show?)

5 biggest joys in life:
my family
my friends and Numbers
when i connect with people
making someone laugh heartily
cheese and garlic

5 favorite toys:
my paddington bear from childhood
my husband
pens
my feather boas and tiara
anything that lynn/david/jason/jon and i would invent to amuse ourselves for hours!

fishie kisses

last night, E and i went out for a fancy dinner. we hadn't gone out to dinner in WEEKS!!!! so, since The Lobsta was having "all you can eat shrimp" we decided to partake. i mean, come on, you can never have enough IODINE in your diet!

so we walk in and there are NO lobstas in the tank. (not like i wanted any. hell, i'm allergic anyway) so E makes the comment that its pretty bad when a place named after its MAIN offering is out of their little buggy namesakes. and of course he made that comment TO the hostess. and she confirmed their lack o' lobsta.

we told her we weren't really there for their main fare, and told her we would like a table. this is how the conversation went:

Hostess: so, just 2 of you?
E: no, we have 16.
H: (bugged out eyes) 16?!?! uhhh... ok.
E: just kidding. it's just the 2 of us.
H: whew. ok. do you have a smoking preference?
E: somewhere in a dark corner, so we can make-out.
(at this point, i lose it!)
H: well, umm let me go see what i can find. (all the while giving us the "either they are just really sweet, or we may need to turn the hose on them later" look)
(exit hostess #1)
(enter hostess #2)
H2: are you guys being helped?
E: sure are. she's off finding us a quiet little table
(hostess turns to leave to check on the status of our table)
Me: so we can make-out
H2: (turns back around to us) oooh i'll come watch!
(exit hostess #2)
E: well i'm flattered.
Me: maybe that was meant for me, dear.
(enter hostess #3)
H3: are you guys being taken care of?
E: sure are.
H3: ok.
(exit hostess 3)
(enter hostess #4)
E: YES, we are being helped.
H4: ok good, because i wasnt sure.
(enter hostess #2)
H2: we found you a perfcet table
(enter hostess #1)
H1: i even had to bus it myself, thats why it took so long.
E: sweetie, that's fine. at least we knew we were well taken care of.


we were pretty sure the hostesses at the Lob hadn't had that much fun with seating a table in a long time. we totally threw them off their game. too bad after all that fun, there was no making-out. but i got a kick out of the offer!

YAY me!





(Darling, you TOTALLY owe me a make-out session somewhere REALLY innapropriate, now.)

he gets me

something my darling husband quoted to me earlier tonight when in was regaling to him the hard day i'd had:



Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson




i so love that man. (my husband, not Ralph)

chain chain chain....

i figured instead of just emailing this, i would let the whole world see it. (and by whole world i mean my friends and the adoring fans of this site)

here go:


This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that has been going around recently! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. Please read it and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently a minimum of $2.99 for regular unleaded in our area. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON"T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am bloggin this note to about thirty (gabillion) people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I am... so trust me on this one.) How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

wanna know....

what i hate?


i hate people who get all defensive and don't LISTEN.

i hate people who immediately start talking shit and make themselves look like fools.

i hate when people think it is better to make someone else look dumb than admit their mistakes.

i hate that i am allergic to beer.

i hate having to take out the trash.

i hate when i cut my nails, i will, invariably, have to peel a label off of something.

i hate razor burn.

i hate people who talk over me.

i hate closed-mindedness.

i hate that i have way too many things on this list.


i'm done ranting.
thank you - come again.

odd how....

lyrics from songs from eons ago suddenly apply to life.

Angry Anymore

by Ani Difranco

growing up it was just me and my mom against the world

and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl

but now i've seen both my parents play out the hands they were dealt

and as each year goes by

i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand

that i know what all the fighting was for

and i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war with quiet charm

but i just want to walk through my life unarmed

to accept and just get by like my father learned to do

but without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore

night falls like people into love

we generate our own light

to compensate for the lack of light from above

every time we fight a cold wind blows our way

but we can learn like the trees

how to bend

how to sway

and say

i, i think i understand

what all this fighting is for

and baby, i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

no, i'm not angry anymore

pssst....

i have a secret....





































































i am SO in love!

ick

hello, my little monkeys.

yes, we are back from a FANTASTIC weekend in Dallas, but both E and i are sick, so my funny, AND my hunny are both laid up in bed with ice bags and chicken-n-stars.


but i promise a full-blown post about the ruckus we caused is forthcoming.

(i must be unwell, i used the word 'forthcoming')



C-I-A-B-A-double-T-A ciabatta... peace out.

born unto libras

tonight i went to walgreen's. only because it was on the same road as the movie place, where i had to return some items. and not wanting to waste a trip... i went.

(riiiiight, like i needed a reason?)

the purchases:

• "blood red" nail polish
• black "noir" eye liner
• new curl stuff for my hair
• another thing of curl stuff for my hair ( it was a BOGO)
• giant Hershey bar
• giant Hershey bar with almonds (for the cute boy who lives here)

nail polish, eyeliner, hair stuff, chocolate.

and it took me as much time to pick out chocolate as it did nail polish (approximately 12 minutes each)

HORMONAL MUCH?

repeat

i did this one back in march. and BOY have things changed since then.

(bold are the changes)

I Live: IN TEXAS again
I Work: the main thing i am working on right now, is my marriage (fixed! now i work for money)
I Think: i need to get back in touch with who Christel is (getting there...but i think that s ever-evolving)
I Smell: the coffee, but not the roses nearly enough (like a starfruit)
I Listen: to what i want to hear (to my heart and to my husband)
I Hide: damned near EVERYTHING (some demons, still)
I Walk: quietly. literally and figuratively (with a bounce in my step, now)
I Write: because it's cathartic and therapeutic and sometimes just to make other people laugh (yeah like THIS is going to change!)
I See: possibilities (a bright future, which is nice for a change)
I Sing: a LOT more right now. even in my house. (oddly, i sing less now)
I Can: make you laugh even when i am in a thousand pieces (and i can heal from that) (el same-o)
I Watch: people (my husband sleep, because he is content once again)
I Daydream: about having my own roaster. and like Tasty said, "about being on a book tour with the Numbers". (yeah still the same)
I Fall: a lot. again, literally and figuratively (in love with Eddie every moment of the day)
I Want: happiness (got it!)
I Cry: too much (rarely)
I Read: like books are candy (i don't have as much time, but i am still reading 3 books at a time right now)
I Love: yep, just that. i love. (dur)
I Rode: out the storm (boy did i!)
I Sometimes: want a do-over (not anymore. i like it here)
I Fear: that the people in my life will be disappointed in me (that i won't EVER be a mommy)
I Hope: that when leave this earth, that i made a difference.
I Eat: like a 3 year old
I Quit: pitying myself (drinking. HAHA! got you!)
I Drink: a pot of coffee everyday (84 thousand glasses of water)
I Play: not nearly enough (all the time!)
I Miss: me (my family and friends)
I Forgive: my husband for being so angry with me. (myself for hurting him)
I Drive: and i drive and i drive, lets just GO! (wanna go in the car???)
I Dream: of having children
I Have: an amazing suppport group (and a GREAT rack!)
I Remember: july 6th 2002 (and i want that back) (not only did i get that, but its better now than it was then! but now i remember what i did to hurt my family and will NEVER do it again)
I Don't: give myself nearly enough credit (feel the need to cower any longer)
I Believe: there is room for improvement, but better yet, that i want to improve (i am a goddess and worthy)
I Owe: a debt of gratitude to my mom and dad that really can't be paid (and to my friends who held my hand and to my husband for giving 150% too)
I Know: things happen for a reason (that life is good)
I Hate: ignorance, lack of ambition, prejudice, impoliteness, and those who don't realize that we all have to live on this ant farm together.
I Feel: lucky, blessed, hopeful, trusted, responsible, scared, excited, curious, ashamed, proud, and most of all loved. (take out 'ashamed' and its still the same)

blog-o-versary

one year ago today, i stepped out gingerly into the blogging world. i was not going it alone, though. i had others who had gone before me. others who were funnier than me. others who had beautiful words and stories to share. others whom i'd met in real life. others whom i'd come *this* close to meeting in real life.

i did it. i signed up. and let it all out. and there were times when it was SO therapeutic and then there were times when my life was such shit, i just couldn't let it out. hell, it even got me in trouble at work, but who's hasn't? it help strengthen old friendships and forge new ones.

so here i am. looking back at a year. a year of ups and downs and rock bottoms. a year of births, deaths, divorces, and almost divorces. times of stupidity and times of reflection. i have made you guys laugh and i have made myself cry all by tapping on this keyboard. it's been a strange road. most people's are. i just want to thank all of you for your never-ending love and support and demands of "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!" when i needed it the most.

you guys rock.

who's ready for round 2?

not Benjamin

so i started this new diet on monday. and the first couple of days i have to drink this herbal stuff mixed with water and like 84 thousand more gallons of water. no food. not until day 3. its supposed to cleanse and replace nutrients.

so needless to say, i have become a pee-er. and those who know me know i am not a pee-er unless i have had too much to drink... or yeah.. too much to drink.

i peed 18 times yesterday.

18.

in one day.

ME!

and as i was sharing this story with allie tonight... i informed her that i "was slowly ridding myself of the fat girl through my urethra."


i could hear her blink over the phone.

and then i said, "see... i wanted to see how far i could go with the word urethra... it would either be funny, or it would have been 'imaneed you NOT to use the word urethra' so i took a chance."

at this point she said, "you should call it your Franklin"

this time she heard ME blink over the phone.

"my Franklin? why Franklin?"
































"as in ARETHA FRANKLIN!!!"



at this point we lost it. i mean full on giggle that turns into a laugh that leaves you breathless.

and i said to her, "you have to stop, my Franklin has been overused for the past 2 days"
and much more laughter ensued.
and then i told her i HAD to write it.

so here i am.
in between pee breaks.

hi

i gots some things rattling around in the ole noggin.. but they haven't quite solidified yet.

but until they do, do me a favor and send up some extra-special good thoughts to the universe. i have some friends (read: numbers and fractions) who could use some super lovin their way.

it's ok if you don't know who i'm talking about. just hug someone ultra-tight today.



freakin moo.

Fun with Google

so, you all know i love the survey things. but here is one i've only seen a few places (like here and here) and of course i HAD to do it. which, of course, means that the rest of the Numbers are soon to follow.

here we go.

what you gonna did is, (a little justin wilson cajun for ya) go to Google Images and post a picture of the first thing that pops up under each search for:

1. The age you will be on your next birthday:
(i'm not making that up.. i really found that under thhhh...thir.... you know the one after 29)

2. The place where you live:
(told you it was FLAT)

3. Your favorite color:


4. The place you want to get (or got) married:


5. Your first love:
(you thought it was going to be something different, didn't you)

6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable:


7. Your favorite animal:
(itty bitty baby one kind babbits)

8. The name of your pet:
(a.k.a the one who uses my face as a springboard)

9. Last name of your favorite actor:
(yeah, it cracks me directly up too!)

10. Your favorite song:


11. A bad habit of yours:
(not so much bad, as just annoying)

12. Your middle name:
(shut it)

YOUR TURN!

you should see the OTHER guy...

so, it's like 5 in the morning... E had just come to bed. i'd been there awhile. he got all snuggly with me and one of our kittygirls, Tori, got all snuggly too. like in a 'touch deprived' sort of way. she was rubbing all up on him. giving him kisses. making sweet little squeaky sounds falling totally in love with E's wrist... and then the jealous kittygirl, Chloe, decided to get in on the action, thus scaring the shit out of Tori. in the process, tori levitated about 3 feet up and over E and then used my face as the launching pad for her final attempt at freedom from the giant ogre that was attacking her. (which was really just another kittygirl jumping onto the bed)

i was then very much awake and clutching my face. E asked me if i'm ok, all the while laughing because the whole scene was rather hilarious. and sure i've been known to be a drama queen once or twice in my life, but this shit really hurt. and he kept asking me if i was ok. i lifted my face from the burrowed place in my pillow and remove my hands and he said, "is that blood?" thus launching ME out of bed.

in the bathroom mirror i saw nothing but blood all across my forehead. E came in and freaked out (because you know how head wounds bleed) until i got it cleaned up. and we saw that's it's just a scratch. a really good scratch. so he started looking for alcohol. i told him he "can put peroxide on it, but if you think you are coming near MY EYES with alcohol, you have another thing coming, mister!"

but i conceded...
even when he put alcohol on it, he said, "if you can put that much alcohol IN you, i can put it ON you"

so there we were, doing minor surgery in our tiny ass bathroom at 6 am.
peroxide - check!
cotton balls - check!
alcohol - check!
triple antibiotic ointment - check! (yes, mom, i really DID have some)
bandages - check!

"hey! you didn't kiss it!"

CHECK!

so back off to slumberland we went. but not until he could laugh some more at my one eye stuck shut. and not until he could get photo documentation with my camera phone. and not until he took pictures of my boobs while i thought he was taking pictures of my head. and not until he made jokes about "yes, Send as Message to 'Mom's email"

so, now i look like this. and don't think i wont get him back for that boob shit by telling everyone he beats me!

the saddest thing you ever done saw

yes. that really is a BOARDED up Krispy Kreme store.


and i feel like there was so much more i could have done to save it....



ahhhh sweet Hot and Now's you will forever remain in my memories.
my comfortable friend.
onward to the Giant Doughnut Hole in the Sky...

*sigh*

so my husband calls me a CauseHead.

fine.


so, as long as i have the title, let me earn it.

i found this store today while browsing the Bay of E (eBay) and thought i would share it with all of you.
so, go there and help the kid out.

no, i mean it.

really...


go!

(and if you dont know what to get, just remember that your favorite CoffeeGoddess LOVES rabbits. *wink wink*)

hump day

i got nothin' today.


check back 'morrow.


oh and i'm real damned tired of this cold.

freakin moo.

let's get it on

it was an evening in may. as she checked her email, she noticed that she had gotten a response to a fake personal ad she had written in hopes of winning back an ex-boyfriend. the first words in the email were, "i don't usually respond to ads without pictures, but after reading yours, i was inspired to write to you."
and he told her a little bit about himself.

she responded back to it to find out what was so inspiring about her ad. he told her part of it was that her ad said, "i am in search of a Passionate, Spontaneous, Romantic, Playful, Confident, INTELLIGENT Man. one who can stand on his own two feet, yet doesn't mind getting swept off them also. a man who believes in the power of surprises, first kisses, and shooting stars."

he then wrote her that out of all of his friends he was the most sappy and romantic. she wrote him that she could "out-sap" him anyplace, anytime. he wrote back, "bring it, rookie"

and for a few days they wrote back and forth finding out all sorts of amazing things about each other. and one night he gave her his phone number. and she called. and he couldn't believe that she was real. that she liked the same stuff he did, that she was funny, and charming and intelligent. but she had only seen a few pictures of him and she hadn't sent him any pictures of herself yet. so they talked and talked and talked.... and then one day, he didn't call. and three days later she hadn't heard from him. and so she figured she had scared him away somehow.

but then he called. he apologized to her for not letting her know that was going out of town for his birthday and was happy to talk to her again. so for about a month and a half, they talked and emailed and she finally sent some pictures of herself and he was hooked. they made plans to meet. he was going to come up from beaufort the first weekend in august, with a friend, to see her. and the plans were in place. and it got closer and closer to august. and they were falling more and more for each other. they had gotten very close. and had "tied up all loose ends" and weren't seeing other people. and were making long term plans.

and then one friday night. the weekend before he was supposed to come see her, he found out that she didn't have to work that weekend. so he said, "why don't you come here?" but it had been storming that day and it was getting late and she was unsure about it. and he kept calling. and the last time he called she answered the phone with, "ok, so how do i get there?"

and she packed a few clothes and hopped in her truck at 9 pm on a friday night and headed south. 3 and half hours south. to a marine corps base. to meet a man she had never met. and did not have a back up plan in case he wasn't all he said he was. and her mother was against the idea. and her ex-boyfriend whom she was trying to get back told her she should go, because they realized they were better friends. and so she went. she threw caution to the wind. and went to meet a boy.

and as she pulled up... she took SEVERAL deep breaths, then dialed the phone to let him know she was there... and she hesitated before she pushed the last button... and then he said, "i'll be right out."

OH SHIT, this is it! he is going to be some kind of troll. or worse, he will think i am a troll. and what if he does... oh shit, is THAT him? he's HOT! no way. that cant be him. here he comes. smile. toss the hair. try not to fidget. oh, damn he smells good. and those arms.. and that smile. and he wants to hug me... "hi, i made it"
oh let me just not melt right here. "ok, we'll go inside, sure. yeah i could use a beverage." he wants to hold hands! please don't let me trip. "actually, i have to go to the bathroom, i will be right back." is he staring at my ass? did he just point at me and whisper, "oh yeah, she's here with me" oh jeez, now all of his friends are going to be staring. act normal. you can do this.

so they hung out at the bar, then went downtown to meet a friend. and as they were waiting for his friend, he said "let me go ahead and alleviate Kim's fears" and he leaned over and kissed her. and it was perfect.

(her friend kim asked her one night, "what if he's a bad kisser?" and she shared that story with him before they met)

and they walked along the river side and held hands. and then they went to his barracks. and she was freaked out a little, but he was being such a gentleman. and they talked and talked some more and couldn't believe there were really laying eyes on each other. that they were really in each other's space, breathing the same air. and it was beautiful. they made love well into the morning that was the beginning of forever.

that was 5 years ago, today.

Happy Anniversay Baby.

i am just as much in love with you now as i was then.

and my love for you grows each moment.

here is to a billion more tomorrows.

~ christel

careful, i'm contagious

excuse me.

pardon me.

coming through.

oops, sorry, pardon me.

make a hole.

excuse me.

why yes, i do have my hands full, thanks for holding that door for me.

coming through.

excuse me.

oh this? this thing here in my hands? oh it's a SOAP BOX.
what am i going to do with it?

stand back and watch while i climb upon it.



oh yeah. i got a BONE to pick tonight kids.

while watching BratCamp tonight, i saw a commercial for an upcoming episode of Good Morning America where they are running a story on a Church that turns Gay people Straight.





yeah, you heard me.

so i got online to see if i could find more info about it and i ran across this article.

ya know what, ima go ahead and post it here as well... pay close attention to that which i have bolded.


June 28, 2005 — Tennessee officials closed an investigation into a so-called ex-gay ministry because of a lack of evidence to support child abuse allegations. But the Memphis organization that says instilling Christian beliefs can keep gays from acting on their homosexual desires continues to be the center of controversy.
The Tennessee Department of Children's Services began an investigation into Love In Action, which advertises homosexual conversion therapy for adolescents, after a 16-year-old boy's blog started causing a stir in the blogosphere.

"Zach" wrote in his blog that he was admitted into the facility by his parents after he told them he was gay. He said he was to be admitted to Refuge, a camp associated with Love In Action on June 6 and was to remain there at least until June 20, according to a June 3 blog entry. According to some fellow bloggers who have been in intermittent contact with Zach, he gets dropped off at the facility daily and returns home with his parents.

Love In Action is supported by several Memphis-area churches, and accredited by Exodus International, an organization that describes itself as "a worldwide interdenominational, Christian organization called to encourage, strengthen, unify and equip Christians to minister the transforming power of the Lord Jesus Christ to those affected by homosexuality."

"DCS dispatched its special investigations unit to the facility, and after conducting a full investigation, determined that the child abuse allegations were unfounded," Rob Johnson, an agency spokesman, told The Associated Press.

John Smid, executive director of Love In Action, said the allegations were never described to him but he assumed they involved a complaint of psychological abuse.
The program, Smid said, "is to help kids to grow in their relationship with Christ."
In a May 30 entry on Zach's blog he posted the rules of the Refuge Program. Under a heading called Hygiene, it says, "1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene, including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing teeth twice daily.

Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly, and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn at all times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly.

All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is colored, highlighted or streaked, must be dyed back to its original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance into the Refuge program."


Officials from Love In Action appealed for tolerance at a June 16 news conference. Phone calls to Love In Action were not returned by press time.

"It is our spiritual conviction that sexual behavior outside of heterosexual marriage is considered wrong in the sight of God," said John Smid, the program's director, who describes himself as "ex-gay," according to a transcript of the news conference available on the Love In Action Web site.

"This program is operated on the will of the guardian or parent. We will work with the minor children as long as they are not overtly distracting to their own program or the program of others," Smid added. "If it is shown that the client is overtly treatment resistant, we will work with the parent towards alternative options for their care and overall relational health."

For the past two weeks, a group called Queer Action Coalition, which was formed after hearing Zach's story, has protested outside the camp.

"They claim to present themselves as an alternative to the gay lifestyle but then say you are going to have a miserable life if you live this lifestyle," said Amanda Lefevre, spokeswoman for Queer Action Coalition.
Lefevre said that the group was organized after it heard about Zach's blog.

Wayne Besen, who studies "ex-gay" camps, said that there are at least 100 ministries across the country that offer programs that attempt to make heterosexuals out of homosexuals. Some are live-in ministries while others are drop-off centers.

"These ministries are a bastion of abuse where the unqualified pose as mental health professionals," he said. "It's ruining lives and no one regulates it."

He said the camps offer workshops created to train attendees.

"There are lipstick lesbian seminars and workshops for boys that tell them what kind of underwear they should wear," he said. "They also offer tips like telling you to grocery shop just before closing so you will go at a time when there won't likely be people you are attracted to."

Zach has not entered anything in his blog since June 3.

On May 29, the teen wrote that his parents sat him down and told him he was going to a "fundamentalist Christian program for gays."

"They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they 'raised me wrong.' I'm a big screw up to them, who isn't on the path God wants me to be on. So I'm sitting here in tears, [joining] the rest of those kids who complain about their parents on blogs — and I can't help it," Zach wrote.

His blog has received thousands of comments since it appeared.
(written by By ROSE PALAZZOLO)

*steps up on soap box*

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????????

i am speechless. but only because i have SO many things to say andi dont know how to get them out without them sounding like a giant guttural dinosaur bellow.

first off, in case you haven't divined MY feelings on homosexuality, let me just say that i have MORE gay friends than straight friends and there is not a single thing different about them. except that my gay friends use words like "room-mate" and "partner" instead of "husband" or "wife" or "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". but we can talk about my views on Gay Marriage later. (for the record, love is love is love.)

so, now that everyone knows where i stand.... i think i shall rant:

who the FUCK are these people to say that because a boy finds love in the company of another boy its wrong? i thought jesus taught about LOVE. didn't know there were rules to it. also, who said it was a condition???? in MY OPINION, i think its genetic. so, its not something that can be "changed" or "therapied" out of someone. it's like me not being a spazmonkey anymore. it's who i am. it cant be changed or broken. so the idea of Gay to Straight Camp sickens me.
and the thing about the hygiene... are we turning them "straight" or into Beaver Cleaver? so much for diversity. i guess that means that since haven't shaved my legs in 3 days and my hubsand's hair is well past his collar, we must be gay. oh shit. i'm gay. i mean it must have happened when i dyed my hair PURPLE! it's the hair coloring that made me catch the gay! oh man, i feel sorry for all of those people who came to our wedding. apparently its now a sham. because my husband and i are now gay. good thing they have a CAMP for it.
and another thing... did they ACTUALLY use the term "lipstick lesbians??? and tips to "grocery shop just before closing so you will go at a time when there won't likely be people you are attracted to." i can't even form a coherent sentence to relate to this level of stupidity.

*steps off soap box*

sure, i'm being a bit one-sided. but hey, its MY blog. and i have every right to. but just so you know, you are now reading a Gay Blog. (wonder how many hits i am going to get because of THAT phrase)

ok. breathe.

everyone is entitled to thier opinion. and i am entitled to talk about how stupid their opinion is.

i think i am going to start a Straight to Gay Camp.... who's with me?

what a welcome...

yeah, i'm back.

and i will tell you all about it soon, but let me JUST tell you about TONIGHT'S fun.


so after work, i decide to grab a little something to eat. and i see BK so i decide to give it a go. i hardly EVER eat BK. like never. flame-broiling makes me YACK. but i wanted a chicken sandwich.

i ordered it.
the girl told me my total.
i pulled up to the first window.
she asked me if i had the double bacon cheeseburger.
i shake my head no.
she asked me if i had the big kids chicken meal.
i shake my head no.
she asked me to wait.
she gets someone to help her.
she asked if i had the chicken sandwich.
i shake my head yes.
i pay.
i wait to pull up to the next window because the car in front of me had a big order.
i see 3 drinks go into the car.
i see the car pull up.
i pull up to the next window.
i get my food.
and the guy in front of me hasn't moved.
and he hasn't left me enough room to pull around him.
i honk.
he looks at me in the rearview.
i lean my head out the window and ask him to scoot up.
he sticks his hand out the widow and waves.
he then motions for me to go around.
i am blocked in by a van.
i let FUCKASS know this.
he sticks his arm out the window and gives me a peace sign.
i ask if he can scoot up.
he shakes his head no.
i get right up on his bumper.
he looks at me in the rearview.
i then TELL him to scoot up.
he gives me a thumbs up.
had he not had his family, i would have shown him my OWN hand gesture.
i ask him if he can't scoot up.
he thrusts his BK cup out the window, points to the Fantastic 4 character on the cup and says, "i just saw this movie"
i say, "fantastic, now can you scoot up"
he says it's impossible.
i ask him if he could be any MORE of a jackass.
he says that's why he isn't scooting up.
the van behind me backs up, so i can get out.
i have to RESTRAIN myself from clipping him as i speed away.



they ALWAYS fuck you in the drive thru.

if i'd had it my way, i would have shot him in the face.

welcome home, christel, welcome home.

puh-hoe-nix

ok so it's almost 7am on a sunday. i've been up for over an hour. usually Eddie is just coming to bed at this time.... the world is off its axis, methinks.

we went out for a lovely anniversary celebration last night. he STILL knows how to keep me on my toes. he always surprises me just enough that i don't put anything past him. dinner was amazing. he was amazing. our love is amazing. i could go on... and probably will at a later date, but being all goopy about my husband is NOT the purpose for this post.


and even though there IS a purpose for this post, i have to share something funny i read while i was meandering through the internet on my way to the blog-o-sphere.

that damned Willie Nelson cracks me up. i mean i am supposed to love him because it's a Texas gene.... BUT... how much do you love that he FORGOT he is coming out with a reggae album. and even better, how much do you love the description of the cover? and even MORE importantly how many of you KNOW i will SO own that when it comes out???

i was thrown TOTALLY off my game when i read that. i had been cooking up this post and then read that and had to share.


now, down to business.

i think the only way to tell you all is to just rip it off like a band-aid instead of draggin it out.

ok. ready?








I AM LEAVING FOR PHOENIX FOR TWO WEEKS FOR TRAINING FOR WORK AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BLOG!



there i said it.

you, my darling, adoring fans will have to go 2 whole weeks without reading about the dumb shit i do, the funny shit i say, or the asinine ideas i hatch. but all will be ok. you all still have each other for support. you can use my comment box (heh heh i said box) like a message board of support to keep each other's spirits up. i know it will be hard. i know you will be sad and feel like something has gone missing in your life. i know, my little pets, i know.

but i PROMISE to take a journal so i can keep track of all the shit i will have to tell you when i get home, ok? because my daddy said the only thing to do in phoenix is to try to stay cool and drink margaritas. and if i remember correctly margaritas are an ingredient in my goofball antics sometimes... right?


ok, so i have made casseroles and left clear instructions for emergencies (i.e. running out of gin) for you guys. play nice and momma might bring you back a souvenir.

We are gathered here today

We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Christel and Edward and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives. Marriage is a supreme sharing of experience, and an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the joyous union of two people whose comradeship and mutual understanding have flowered in romance. Today Christel and Edward proclaim their love and commitment to the world, and we gather here to rejoice, with and for them, in the new life they now undertake together.

The joy we feel now is a solemn joy, because the act of marriage has many consequences, both social and personal. Marriage requires "love," a word we often use with vagueness and sentimentality. We may assume that love is some rare and mystical event, when in fact it is our natural state of being.
So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities, which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty. And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One, who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us. We, who love, can look at each other's life and say, "I touched his life," or, "I touched her life," just as an artist might say, "I touched this canvas." "Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me." Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.

The secret of love and marriage is similar to that of religion itself. It is the emergence of the larger self. It is the finding of one's life by losing it. Such is the privilege of husband and wife - to be each himself, herself and yet another; to face the world strong, with the courage of two. To make this relationship work, therefore, takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey. The true art of married life is in this an inner spiritual journey. It is a mutual enrichment, a give and take between two personalities, a mingling of two endowments, which diminishes neither, but enhances both.

Through this co-operation, we give ourselves, our lives and love. Into the hands of the one we love. We do so trustingly and generously. And so, each of us receives a gift: the life and love of the other. We receive this gift, not only from the one we love, but also from the parents who brought us into the world, and from our friends and families as well. And so as Christel and Edward’s friends and family, we are here to share with them this joy and hope, and to see them off on the path they will walk together. May it be a path of blessedness, bright with flowers of prosperity and spiritual awakening; a path of ever deepening, ever broadening love that they will travel, arm in arm. Through out eternity.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to the Most Wonderful Husband in the World.

this past year has been beyond difficult for us both and i am so pleased to see that not only did we make it through the other side, but we came out smiling, laughing, and in love. a feat i never even dreamed possible. thank you for allowing me the opportunity to give you second chances and for you giving me the same.

i love you more now than i ever have and that love can only grow day by day.
because your hand on my chest is still my hand. and when you close your eyes, i sleep.

i love you.
~christel

how did i get so lucky?

"can i just leave my uterus at home today?"

"sure, i will uterus-sit for you"

"because it hurts me today"

"i will put it in time-out until it learns how to behave"

demands

according to my beloved and adoring fans, i have been DEMANDED to update.


ok so its been over a week since last i regaled to you the funny i spew, or recount the stupidity that abounds, or report the idiocy i encounter.




needless to say, i SURE did pinch myveryown TONGUE in my wedding rings.
















let that sink in.






















i, Christel CoffeeGoddess Rockstar.... pinched my own FUCKING tongue in my wedding rings.

you guys thought i was kidding about that straight jacket.

wanna know HOW i did it? (and if this doesnt SCREAM Jenny Craig, i dont know what does)


sunday, the Cutest Husband in the ENtire world and i were hanging out, watching the game (Reds game, DUR!) and i had made sandwiches for lunch. to accompany our sandwiches were CHEETOS. (can i get a YUM YUM?)
and as all humans know, cheetos are messy. and somehow i got some of the cheese powder on the palm of my left hand, kinda near my ring finger.

i know, you can see it coming...

so, as i as was trying to lick off the cheesy goodness, i got the tip of my tongue caught in between the rings.





i swear you CAN'T make this shit up.




i let out an audible "ow!" and ever so sheepishly i told H what had happened. he shook his head and said,

"sometimes, Babe, you just gotta let the last chips go...."


my husband, the Zen Master.
me, the fucking gotard.

*runs with scissors

i have been in need of adult supervision for the past 2 days.
seriously.

the other night when i was at Wal*Mart, i was on the phone with Lynn, and we were cutting up and being so goofy, that i was THAT GIRL at the store. i was the loud girl on the phone doing the "i'm making a spectacle of myself" laugh. i laughed so hard, that i choked. yeah. i'm an idiot. but not only were the men with the "white coats" following me... i had no business being in a retail establishment.

wanna know what i bought?

• cat litter
• giant bag of cat food
• 6 pack of shiner bock
• 6 pack of shiner bock
• roasted garlic triscuits
• american squirt cheese

yeah. i bought 2 sixers. LIKE I NEEDED THEM!!!! and honestly, when is the last time you ate SQUIRT CHEESE????? i must have gargled with Bong Water during the day.

and THEN, i deposited money in the ATM, and left my stupid card IN the machine. please, someone come put mittens on me, i might scratch myself.

jeebus.

so yesterday, i was shadowing a girl doing an activation, and when she was done, she got up to take a smoke break. it wasnt until i was HALFWAY down the hall headed to the back door with her, that i REMEMBERED THAT I DON'T SMOKE ANYMORE!!!!!

i think my brains have fallen out. i need restraints. so if my next post looks like this:

sadio8u vnoqi 93085{:_pJVOI35. JO09 9238 5R -POKI DMP! A9973Rnsd fivu37pa;lk aoksfjdoi43 98 aksjdf9j4 ajs98 ghtn;kj na9gf jasdij9g4ngnb 9s ;flkn945 897ahjf glkjrtn alkud8907yt. ao;sidfj89498hj0a8u'asdjf8ie. sndoiuvh845bnva;oijdfo8iu8gha;lksdj1!!!

don't be alarmed, its just really hard to type with a straight-jacket on.

freaking moo.