Thursday, September 29, 2005

meet the Stupids

yes yes, we have all read or written about

blog + work = B.A.D.

but but but... like, i have SOOOOOOOOOO many stories to tell.

  • like the one about the man with the voicemail icon on his phone and screaming at me to GET! IT! OFF! I! DON'T! HAVE! VOICE! MAIL! "ummm, yes sir you do, because that's what that little icon means, want i should retrieve that for you?" (and i made the man listen to his OWN voicemail and was *THIS* close to berating him. but instead i showed him how to do the voo-doo that i do to make the little talky box work)
  • or the woman who brought her phone in because it wasn't working properly, and upon battery removal we saw the "water damage indicator sticker" was RED instead of WHITE and told her she had water damage. she claimed she NEVER got it wet. after many hours of making her listen to Barry Manilow and shoving bamboo under her fingernails, she FINALLY admitted to keeping the damn phone in HER BRA! it wasn't so much "water" as "sweat" damage. (and you made *ME* touch that thing?????)
  • how about the man with the 10 minute "emergency only" plan who went over his minutes by oh, i don't know... 200! and then claimed he made NO phone calls, and why was his bill so high? after i looked at his last dialed call log, and SHOWED him that he had made calls, he said, "well that's kinda like getting your hand stuck in the cookie jar, huh?" YA THINK!?!?!?!
  • perhaps you'd like to hear about the guy who brought his phone in and was FURIOUS that it wasn't working and he'd JUST bought it. and once we took the back off, we noticed his BATTERY was missing. sir, did you have the battery when you LEFT the store?
  • ever heard the one about the lady who was afraid of giving herself a heart attack because she keeps her phone on "vib-a-rate" in her bra? (again, you made *ME* touch that thing?)
  • and finally, let me tell you about the woman who's phone was "deader than a doornail" and i was *THIS* close to doing a warranty call on it, until she handed me the phone and i turned it on and it came on. and she asked how i did it. and i showed her the power button and she said she had NEVER turned it on before and didn't even know where the power button was. i am a freakin messenger of satan with the powers that i possess!

frightening to see that not only coffee-drinkers leave their brains at home, no?

Saturday, September 24, 2005


do not, i repeat, DO NOT write love notes, to your husband, on the bathroom mirror with cheap lip gloss.

it will form a strange polymer bond at the VERY instant a droplet of windex hits it.

that is all.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

"Number" is Latin for "Sheep"

The Numbers are basically one person split 5 ways. kinda like tequila shots in South Carolina. (if you don't get that, it's ok) so when one of does something, its a pretty sure bet that we all will follow suit. right down to our toenail polish and ie cream choices.

today's post, as done by Tasty and Allie.
Lola gets a free pass since she is the Leader of the Goat Rodeo right now... and i am pretty sure M'ary doesnt even know HOW to use a computer anymore.

here goes:

10 years ago I was…
living on my own (kinda) in my hometown. i had just left my boyfriend/fiancee for the 1st time. i was in a 410 sq foot apartment shared with a girl i had known for 3 days. i was working at a coffeehouse (surprise!) in round rock, tx and then at a NY style deli.

5 years ago I was…
about to celebrate my 2 month anniversary with E. living in greenville, sc by myself. working for a wireless phone company (see how my life repeats on itself) stupidly happy and about to pull the world-famous "this relationship is too good, i HAVE to get out NOW" routine. see how well that worked?

1 year ago I was…
mourning the death of our kitten Simon Avery. and wondering if i had made the right decision to stay back in SC when E left for amarillo. managing and roasting at a coffeehouse. oh, and being a horrible ogre to everyone.

Yesterday I was…
at work (at a wireless company) enjoying the laughter of one of my customers. i have been thinking about how her laugh was so sweet and infectious. also another co-worker and i were doing terribly goofy and fantastically silly things, all the while avoiding work. ( i have an AWESOME picture to document the silliness) also i spent the day sending sweet texts to my husband.

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
my momma's artichoke dip
cheesy garlic bread
chili tots from the Vortex in atlanta (as long as accompanied by Numbers and pitchers of Shiner)

5 songs I know all the words to:
into the mystic (van morrison)
true companion (marc cohn)
ghost (indigo girls)
istanbul, not constantinople (they might be giants)
nuthin but a "G" thang (dr. dre) 1, 2, 3, and to the 4 right, Ang?

5 things I would do with a billion dollars:
give a riduculous amount to charities
buy an island and a coffee plantation
build a resort on my island where all my friends/family could stay for free
invest for our future generations
buy conditioner

5 places ideal for running away:
the beach
the beach
the beach (on my island)

5 items you’ll never see me wear:
a brand name emblazoned across my ass
anything made by sean john, g unit, baby phat, etc.
really short hair
a jock strap
my welcome out

5 best TV shows:
will and grace
the muppet show
good eats
that's incredible (remember that show?)

5 biggest joys in life:
my family
my friends and Numbers
when i connect with people
making someone laugh heartily
cheese and garlic

5 favorite toys:
my paddington bear from childhood
my husband
my feather boas and tiara
anything that lynn/david/jason/jon and i would invent to amuse ourselves for hours!

Monday, September 19, 2005

fishie kisses

last night, E and i went out for a fancy dinner. we hadn't gone out to dinner in WEEKS!!!! so, since The Lobsta was having "all you can eat shrimp" we decided to partake. i mean, come on, you can never have enough IODINE in your diet!

so we walk in and there are NO lobstas in the tank. (not like i wanted any. hell, i'm allergic anyway) so E makes the comment that its pretty bad when a place named after its MAIN offering is out of their little buggy namesakes. and of course he made that comment TO the hostess. and she confirmed their lack o' lobsta.

we told her we weren't really there for their main fare, and told her we would like a table. this is how the conversation went:

Hostess: so, just 2 of you?
E: no, we have 16.
H: (bugged out eyes) 16?!?! uhhh... ok.
E: just kidding. it's just the 2 of us.
H: whew. ok. do you have a smoking preference?
E: somewhere in a dark corner, so we can make-out.
(at this point, i lose it!)
H: well, umm let me go see what i can find. (all the while giving us the "either they are just really sweet, or we may need to turn the hose on them later" look)
(exit hostess #1)
(enter hostess #2)
H2: are you guys being helped?
E: sure are. she's off finding us a quiet little table
(hostess turns to leave to check on the status of our table)
Me: so we can make-out
H2: (turns back around to us) oooh i'll come watch!
(exit hostess #2)
E: well i'm flattered.
Me: maybe that was meant for me, dear.
(enter hostess #3)
H3: are you guys being taken care of?
E: sure are.
H3: ok.
(exit hostess 3)
(enter hostess #4)
E: YES, we are being helped.
H4: ok good, because i wasnt sure.
(enter hostess #2)
H2: we found you a perfcet table
(enter hostess #1)
H1: i even had to bus it myself, thats why it took so long.
E: sweetie, that's fine. at least we knew we were well taken care of.

we were pretty sure the hostesses at the Lob hadn't had that much fun with seating a table in a long time. we totally threw them off their game. too bad after all that fun, there was no making-out. but i got a kick out of the offer!

YAY me!

(Darling, you TOTALLY owe me a make-out session somewhere REALLY innapropriate, now.)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

he gets me

something my darling husband quoted to me earlier tonight when in was regaling to him the hard day i'd had:

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

i so love that man. (my husband, not Ralph)

Monday, September 12, 2005

chain chain chain....

i figured instead of just emailing this, i would let the whole world see it. (and by whole world i mean my friends and the adoring fans of this site)

here go:

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that has been going around recently! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. Please read it and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently a minimum of $2.99 for regular unleaded in our area. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON"T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am bloggin this note to about thirty (gabillion) people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I am... so trust me on this one.) How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

wanna know....

what i hate?

i hate people who get all defensive and don't LISTEN.

i hate people who immediately start talking shit and make themselves look like fools.

i hate when people think it is better to make someone else look dumb than admit their mistakes.

i hate that i am allergic to beer.

i hate having to take out the trash.

i hate when i cut my nails, i will, invariably, have to peel a label off of something.

i hate razor burn.

i hate people who talk over me.

i hate closed-mindedness.

i hate that i have way too many things on this list.

i'm done ranting.
thank you - come again.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

odd how....

lyrics from songs from eons ago suddenly apply to life.

Angry Anymore
by Ani Difranco
growing up it was just me and my mom against the world
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
but now i've seen both my parents play out the hands they were dealt
and as each year goes by
i know more about how my father must have felt
i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore
she taught me how to wage a cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed
to accept and just get by like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through
i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore
night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate for the lack of light from above
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way
but we can learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway
and say
i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore