Monday, January 31, 2005

5, 4, 3, 3, 3...

no, i didnt get stuck counting. i got caught stealing. a title. to a blog. to allie's blog, to be exact.

and because i am a 3, that gives me license to do so.

this weekend, as in 4 days from now, all of the Numbers will be in the same place at the same time.
for those of you who really ARE new, the numbers include:
myself, allie, and lauren (the #3s)
m'ary* (#4) and
tasty (#5)

here is THE Genesis of the Numbers, so pay attention.

the 5 of us have known each other in varying degrees for about 3 years. we met on a messageboard and got to MEET each other, in person, in gatlinburg, 2 years ago. we all knew we had stuff in common, but we never realized how much alike we are. allie and tasty clicked, allie and lauren clicked, christel and mary clicked, christel and lauren clicked ( with pink mascara) and allie and mary clicked. after the adventure in gatlingburg, we all formed closer bonds with phone calls and emails and visits. (if you cant get a hold of one of us, more than likely we are on the phone with any of the other ones)
allie and lauren realized that they MUST be twins. (minus the whole 5 years difference in their ages, but whatever.) and allie and i realized we must be twins. (again with the 5 years) and lauren and i realized we were twins. (with 5 months in between)

so, it only made sense for us to be triplets. right? right.
and i found a picture of triplets online and super-imposed OUR faces on these skinny model-esque triplet heads. BUT, this is the part where is gets funny, i found out that not only were these women triplets, but they also do PORN together. (i know EWWWW)
so, we're now PORNTRIPLETS.
logically, we had to differentiate which one of us was which triplet. since it's all about allie, she, of course picked #1. but lauren and i both posted something after that and both used the #3. instead of fighting over it, we did what any awesome women would do, we ALL became #3.

BUT, this left out M'ary* and Tasty. MARY has 4 letters so, she became #4. Tasty became #5 because TASTY has 5 letters. (and because there were already 3 #3s.)

so, we are The Numbers. and we haven't been in the same room with each other in almost 2 years. we have been close. i have been to allie's in GA several times. i have gone to see Lauren in KY and Tasty in IN a few times and i even went to West By God Virginia to see M'ary*. M'ary* came to see Allie last year in the Jive Turkey RV.

so... ATLANTA won't know what hit it once we all get around each other. there will be boobs. there will be beer. there will be likker. there will be beer. there will be cheese. there will be beer. there will be laughter. did i mention the beer? there will be hair coloring products. there will be beer. there will be all manner of fried food items. oh, yeah, and there will be beer.

needless to say, if you get a phone call with what sounds like a bathtub full of cats... yeah, that's us. we like to Drink N Dial. if you know what's good for you and if you really want to experience the fountain of youth, you will pick up the phone. this is your warning.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

el aeropuerto

friday i got like 4 minutes of sleep , got up at 5 to be at work by 6. worked until 2, then went to the airport to work until 7:30. that, my friends, is what we like to call, a Long Ass Day.

BUT, out of all the misery, comes some funny.

some conversations i had:

(involving to latina ladies waiting for the plane to .... la guardia)
girl #1: do you have the toffee coffee icey thing?
me: well, actually we are out of the...
#1: oh, you don't have that?
me: flavor for that particular...
#1: the sign says you have icey drinks....
me: as i was saying...
#1: you know, with the blender...
me: ok, i guess this is the part where i stop talking...
#1: and the flavors?
me: yes, we have the frozen drinks.
#1: oh, cuz i thought you said you were out.
me: no actually i was explaining to you that we are out of that particular flavor.
#1: oh, so i can get one of them?
me: sure, what flavor?
#1: umm... i guess caramel.

(as i look am looking at girl #2)
me: and for you?
#2: i am waiting.
me: oh, i wasn't sure if you were going to have the same thing that way i could make both and it would be easier.
#2: no, i am waiting.

***make drink... ring up...they walk away...i ring up a few more comes girl #2 again***

me: what can i get for you?
#2: the same thing she had.
me: oh, i thought .... but... wouldn't it have... easier to have the same time?
#2: oh, well i tried some of hers and i likeded it.
me: i'm sorry, you what?
#2: i likeded it. i want one.
me: but i could have made them both at the same time.
#2: yeah, but i didn't know if it was good.
me: i could have answered that question for you.
#2: yeah but some people's tastes are different.


***make drink... and put experience into memory bank for tonight's blog***

BUT earlier.... i had to go get ice. which isn't usually an ordeal. it involves going downstairs to the restaurant, going down to the kitchen, and filling up bags of ice. (yes, i have to go through security with the bags of ice...radiated for your protection)

BUT, they changed the access to the kitchen. i didn't usually require a swipe card to go. now i do. but since i am leaving soon, it doesn't make any sense to pay for the new card for me. so, i was hoping i could go down there, have someone let me in, and be on my merry way. at least that's the way to played out in my head.

i went downstairs, then to the kitchen and asked someone to let me in. the guy that manages there got up to let me in. the woman (whom we will now refer to as Fucking Hose Beast or FHB for short) with whom he was sitting, asks me what's going on.

me: i have an old badge.
FHB: why don't you have the new badge?
me: because i still have the old badge.
FHB: but where is your new badge?
me: i don't have one. i have the old badge.
FHB: come here. where do you work?
me: (while showing her my badge) for the coffee stand upstairs.
FHB: why don't you have the new badge? are you new?
me: actually, i am their oldest employee and my badge doesn't expire until august 26th of this year and i am moving in less than a month and it didn't make sense to pay for a new badge for me. and i only work maybe once a week anyway.
FHB: well, you should have the new badge.
me: i was told to come down here, ask someone to let me in, and get some ice. i only need ice. what is it you would like me to do?
FHB: well you can understand where i am coming from.... we cant just let anyone down there. we can't even escort you down there.
me: so, what do you want me to do?
FHB: go down to the police station and get a temp badge.

(meanwhile, the kid who got up to open the door for me was still standing there with it open, waiting for me... and as i walked past him i said, "sorry, i guess i have to go about this a different way")
i get to the police "area" and am talking to the woman there and we are discussing that it is STILL 10 dollars to either get a new badge, or a temp badge, and its only good for one day, and since i am moving is it really worth it...blah blah blah.... then one of the cops i know comes in and i tell him the situation and he says, "come with me, let's go get this figured out".)

we head back to the restaraunt, through the swining doors, through the swipe door, (which someone left unlatched) down 2 flights of stairs and to the ice machine. i fill up 3 bags. and head back up.

AND i got "the look" from he FHB while i was down there... so when i left, i yelled back in the office, "THANKS FOR THE ICE!"
the cop said he was going to find out who left the door unlatched and write them up. i hope it was her.

now, because of 9/11 i get hassled and had to have a FUCKING police escort to get 3 bags of ice.

yay me.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


i have the best mom.

she is my ultimate best friend. and for that i am eternally grateful. when i was growing up, my mom always told me to "never do anything you cant tell me" and that i "can always tell me everything". which meant, she better be willing to hear the bad with the good. and she usually was. the bad part of all that was that i can't lie to her. after about the 3rd day, i would go to her with that sheepish look on my face and say, "ama, i need to tell you something." and she always had that look like she knew already.

my friend, A, would always give me grief because of how close i am to my mom. i can still hear her saying, "CUT THE CORD, ALREADY" but i couldn't. i am a mama's girl. always will be. and it wasn't until she got remarried and moved out here to SC that we were able to redefine our roles with one another. since she was unmarried for 12 years, she and i became very dependent on each other. for support, for friendship, for listening, and for guidance. once she got married, she didn't need me to fill all of those roles as much. and that was very hard for me. and once i got married i realized why.

when she and my dad moved to SC, i moved 6 weeks after them. i had never lived more than 30 MINUTES from her for my entire life. in less than a month, i will be moving more than 20 HOURS away from her. and that thought scares me. not in the "something bad could happen" kind of way, but in the "only a hug from my mommie will fix this" kind of way. she is notorious for dropping by my work and bringing me stuff, whether it's a batch of her famous shepherd's pie, or a bag of mint m&m's because she knows i will squeal with joy upon receiving them. (they are hard to find)
this is the woman who helped me move into my first apartment BY MYSELF and went out and bought me plates, a shower curtain, my favorite kind of tea, silverware, knick-knacks, and my favorite kind of m&ms. and put it all up while i was at work.
she is the woman who called me one sunday morning to come show me her engagement ring and we squealed like little girls.
she is the woman who went out and bought me Color Wonder fingerpaint paper because i "just HAD to have it". this is the woman who selflessly wrote a letter to a friend of mine, whom she has never met, and bared her soul and experiences, because my friend was going through a very tough time and my mom had some insight on it. who does that?

my mom does.

how did i get so lucky?
i am going to miss living close to her SO much.
when my family was sitting around playing a board game last year, one of the questions was, "if you had only 2 words to put on her headstone, what would they be??"
my answer was:

She Loved.

and she does.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

new baby brother

i have a new baby brother.

well, ok so he's not *new*, but our relationship with one another is new.

when i was about 4 1/2, my parents split up. and i didn't see my father much. then i didn't see him at all. and then when i was about 12 or 13, he came back into my life. and he had remarried and had a son, named Ian. Ian is roughly 6 months older than Z, who lives with me. (i love telling people i have 2 brothers that are 6 months apart, it freaks them out)

at this time, Ian was about 3 or 4 and didn't really remember that visit. then about 7 years later, my father and i reunited. this time, i initiated it. i said some things that 14 year old girls are wont to do and told him to stay out of my life. right before i turned 21, i realized that this man i had almost hated for so many years, had half the answers to some of my questions. i had grown up hearing my mom's side of all the stories, i wanted the other half.

so, my father came to spend the weekend with me and we sat in a park and talked. and talked. and talked some more. and then he left. and we tried to sustain a relationship as father and daughter, but it was really hard. and everytime i was in dallas, i would go by his house and see him. and see how quickly this little brother of mine was growing. and it was always a weird dance for all of us. here is this girl, who is supposed to be daughter and sister, but we didn't know how to act around each other. and of course, Ian was like, "i have a sister, the end" we hardly knew anything about each other.

after several visits between my father and i, we finally realized that we didn't have to act like a father and a daughter. (by this time, my mother has remarried to a man i consider to be my Dad) and we started over as friends. friends who share hundreds of years together.

Ian has grown up and not really gotten to experience anything with me, because my father and i were so busy working on us, that we left him out of the loop. yes, i sent presents and called him on his birthday and holidays, but we really had nothing to give to each other, we were more like step-siblings.

until, my father came to visit right before my husband left for amarillo, and while H was driving across country to set out on a brand new life and adventure for us, my father was here to help me through that. since his recent divorce, he has found a man that i never knew existed. i don't even think he knew he existed. but this new man, is one i like. he listens, he talks, he feels. that's the most important part. he feels. and while we were exploring all the new facets of this new person, we were talking about Ian, too. one day, we spent 7 hours in a sports bar talking and watching football games. we got serious, we got silly, we got sad. and he was telling me about how proud of me and Ian he was and that Ian really needs his sister. and he then told me that "Ian loves you, you know?" and i asked "why?" why does this kid, who is supposed to love me (on paper), this kid i hardly know, love me? and my father said, "why don't you ask him" that was one of the most profound moments in my life.

so i did. not in so many words, but i took the first step. i emailed him and he actually wrote me back. and then it went on from there. and one night we happened to be online at the same time and chatted for hours. and then the next day i got a huge email from him. asking for my help. this kid was so lost in his life, that the only one he could turn to was me. he put it all out on the table. he trusted me with his fears and worries and pain. and i wrote him back. and i tried to help him understand some of the things going on in his life. and how, i have seen a different side of our father... and in time, he will get to know him too.

and this boy has slowly become my BROTHER. and i am so proud of him. and love him as deeply as i do the one who is in the next room, sleeping soundly. i love my baby brothers. both of them.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

ten questions

one) What is your favorite word?

two) What is your least favorite word?

three) What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

four) What turns you off?
ignorance, close-mindedness

five) What is your favorite curse word?

six) What sound or noise do you love?
the first 17 seconds of "Into The Mystic" by Van Morrison

seven) What sound or noise do you hate?
the sound of disappoinment

eight) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
stand-up comedian

nine) What profession would you not like to do?

ten) If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"wanna go again?"

Monday, January 24, 2005

i hab a code id by dose

i am allergic to dust. so, i don't dust. i have a wonderful husband for doing that sort of thing.
but he doesn't live here right now. and i have to pack up this house to move it to where he is, so that means i get to play in the dust. fucking yay.

wednesday i packed up as many boxes as my eyes, nose, and throat would allow. which came to the grand total of.... 4. but since then, i had been sneezy. until yesterday. my throat started to hurt, and my sinuses swole (i love that word) up and i generally didn't feel well. and since i have a sensitivity to about 99.3% of the OTC meds, i usually let my ailments run their course.

which meant, i was a human snot factory. (if only there was something productive that could be done with it)
and didn't sleep well, nor have i felt well all day. i have been sniffing on a natural remedy pack i have that has little beads with lemongrass, eucalyptus, and peppermint oils. that helped until both nostrils decided to close up shop.

i was a knuckle-dragging, cousin loving
(or thats what i felt i looked like)
i hate being a mouth breather.
i went to the drugstore after getting off work (FINALLY) and bought some nasal spray, mentholatum, and cough drops. (basically the only things i can take for this sinus crap)
as i am being rung up, i am trying to open the nasal spray.

i took it out of the box.
i peeled off the shrink wrap tamper-evident sleeve in 3 tries.
i twisted off the little plastic cap on the top.
i clicked my heels three times.
i barked like a dog and did my ALOHOMORA spell
and i finally got the nasal spray ready for firing. (i am still in the drugstore, mind you)


i swore i snorted fire.
and my right eye started watering.
and i felt a sharp pain in my left collarbone.
and when did i leave an ice pick in my occipital lobe?


i took a big sniff of air as i got outside and nearly inhaled a hummingbird.
and the little beavers that were inside my sinus cavity, went on strike, and what was once a dam, is now a flood.


so now i am home. and reek of menthol. lets just hope this breathing thing lasts. otherwise, i may have to resort back to being a mouth-breather. at least i am geographically ok for that.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

what was supposed to be yesterday's post

when i was leaving my house yesterday, i put on my coat, scarf, and gloves and headed out the door. while driving to work, i made the observation that i was a vision of fashion. i was wearing:

  • my brand new spongebob shirt with KRUSTY KREW emblazoned across it, with SB, Patrick, SquidWard, and Mr. Krabs in a row.
  • my favorite gay boyfriend's well-worn jeans, which means it looks like my crotch is 4 inches lower than it really is. (its a mating technique)
  • black and lavender Argyle Happy Bunny socks, which say, "its cute how you think i am listening"
  • my #3 hat (aka my favorite hat)
  • dark brown corduroy birks
  • my charcoal peacoat
  • a greyish purpleish scarf i knitted, with fringe
  • and leopard print gloves

i looked like a fucking bag lady. but despite my apparent lack of fashion sense, i am ROCKIN it! i even remarked how "DEAD SEXY" i looked. yeah, i know, you all wanna do me. (its the pants, i'm tellin ya)

so i get to work with the Boss today and the majority of our customers call us "The A - Team"

well, yeah! we work so well together and can pick on the customers in such a way that they even leave smiling. dumbasses.

then this man comes in. and informs us that he ran out of coffee this morning and was "forced in". he was FORCED to come to our store and get coffee. fuck going to the STORE and buying more coffee to make, yourownself. but FORCED to come in and buy our coffee. i think we have a new breed of terrorism, here folks. so, of course, after the schmo left, (with plenty of ribbing from us) we started making fun of him. Boss grabbed my arm and said, " You are going to go get coffee, dammit. i don't care whether you like i t or not, you're going!" and at this point i start screaming, "i don't wannaaaaaaa..... you cant make me!" all while doing the 3-year old temper tantrum foot-stomp march and dropping my butt to the ground so he has to drag me. "oh, you're going. you WILL go into that coffeehouse and buy their coffee," "i don't wannaaaaaaaaaaaa"

and laughing hysterically at the same time. see, this is the shit i get to do at work. jealous? yeah, i thought so.

at this point, we have worked a pretty big craving for bacon. and not just any bacon, but Mabel's bacon. (bacon is code for : why aren't you back from Mabel's yet?)

ahhh, Mabel. where do i even begin? there is this gas station about a mile from the shop and in said station, half of it has been turned into a restaurant, of sorts. it's a good-ole-boy eating hole. now, get this, the sign out front says,

Mabel's New York Style Deli

Served the Way WE Want You To Have It.

i think that's what she means by NY. it's the pushiness in the advertisement. anyway, i called in my order so i expected it to be somewhat ready when i got there. ummm... nuh-uh. i walk in and it smells like they are just piping cigarette smoke from the vents. it's bad. and there are about 6 people in the "dining room" and Mabel prolly knows all of their names. so, since i have time to wait, i am going to take in my surroundings. inside the "convenience store" they have the requisite coolers stocked with beer and sodas. they have some of that just run out and grab it, shit, which means cat food, condoms, motor oil. but on the shelf above all of that, are 3 crockpots. one has grits. one has chili. and one has country gravy. (welcome to the south) also they do not have any of the major brand chips. your chip selection is brought to you today by golden flake. uhhh... ok. and then the array of zingers, ho-hos, twinkies, candy, etc. beyond the candy display, is a slushee machine. but this one pumps out just shaved ice and you add your flavors. how interactive. but the syrups still have that 1970's flair on the label, which leads me to believe that they ARE from the 70's. stay away from the slushee. on a quarter turn, i have now faced the menu. in my observations of living in the south, i find that EVERYONE has ownership issues. they have to make EVERYTHING plural, into a possessive. example:

Hot Wing's only .39 on Friday's

or in Mabel's case,

  • egg's and biscuit's
  • pancake's
  • hamburger's

you get the idea. along with that, you can also get a tomatoe sandwitch. now don't get me wrong. i adore the food. if i'm gonna die from a heart attack, i want it to be from one of Mabel's BLTs. i swear. this woman uses thick SLABS of bacon and lots of it. there isn't this chain restaurant 2 slice rule. no ma'am... damn near a 1/4 pound of bacon. and it will only cost you $2.00. no lie. you can get one of the hamburger's for $2.30. or one of the cheeseburger's for $2.50. french toast for $1.75 and bacon's, egg's, and cheese's on one of her ho-made biscuit's for $1.85. and the biscuit's are as big as a cat's (proper usage) head! i love me some Mabel's.

did i mention that Mabel is pushing 70? and calls everyone some form of pet name. i was honey-chile yesterday. so, we ate Mabel's and continued on with our day. until... the crazy man came in. this man called me a few days ago rambling about the goodness of coffeegrounds on plants (like i didn't know that) and would i be willing to save out spent grounds? why certainly. as long as you call us the DAY you want them, and let us know what time you will be coming to pick them up. i don't want to have nasty old grounds sitting around the store waiting for some man to pick them up. so he agreed. (and part of me knew this would HACK the boss off. he hates doing little shit like this... but since i am leaving, i have left him with the crazy coffeeground man...oh how i love being evil) but i didn't know to what extent this man's crazy went. he comes in after lunch time and explains to me who he is and then starts telling me about his fucking azaleas again. yeah, i heard. and to top it off, he slightly deaf. so he corners the Boss and another one of our regulars and starts telling stories about his son and some coffeehouse he owns in Cleveland and have you seen taxi driver, and that church in the movie is right across the street and its a one way street and he will be here next week and he will bring him in to meet the Boss and how coffeegrounds are good for azaleas and could you speak up, i don't hear so well, and it sucks being old and what happens when an old man shakes his dick too much? dust comes out. and there isn't an adult bookstore in town and on and on and on.....

meanwhile, i am laughin to myself thinking the Boss is going to have to put up with this all throughout azalea season and i will be gone gone gone by then. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. the man was there for over an hour. tee hee.

after the CCGM (crazy coffee grounds man) leaves, its only a little while before we get to leave. YAY. the Boys from BMW came in (like they do EVERY DAY, pinky) and we got to be silly with them. the rest of the time was not so eventful. i left and went to the hobby store and bought yarn for some projects and was still shaping how this post was going to come together and that's when the "Door Incident" happened.

are we all up to speed now? i still maintain how Dead Sexy i was through it all.

body by Mabel, clothes by Nickelodeon. yeah, baby.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Chloe Bailey, no relation to George Bailey (updated again)

so yeah. i had this GREAT post i was working on all day. i had been tinkering with it since 6 am and had been adding to it, shaping it, molding it, sanding it, and manipulating it for almost 10 hours. it was gaining more steam as my day progressed... and when i pulled into the parking lot at 3, i was all watered up to blog.

and then it happened.
i walked towards my door and for some reason... it was open. not cracked. not ajar. OPEN. and Baby Brother's car was nowhere to be seen.

so, what did my dumb ass do? i walked in and said, "hello" as in "hello mr. killer man, please don't let me disturb you, but i wanted you to be aware that i am here, so you can commence with the killing and the rape and the theft."

and then it hit me. i only saw one cat. normally i see 2. not because of my super special drunken double vision goggles, but because hey, guess what? we have 2 cats. then i started to panic. (right like the murderer wouldn't have made me panic.) so i grabbed their food bowl and started shaking it, in hopes that Kitty #2 (aka Chloe) would come running from her hiding place to announce, "hahhahhahhahhah.... fooled you!"

no dice.

i searched the house. under beds, in the tub, in closets, in boxes. nada. no Chloe. well FUCK. that can mean only one thing. she got out. so i called Baby Brother's work to see what time he worked today (hoping that he worked at 2 and my house has only been "open to the public" for an hour) he went to work right after i did. so, by Christel Math, that makes it 9 hours with the door open for Chloe to not only plan her escape, but execute it and be halfway to mexico by now.


so i took the box of food outside and rattled it around. then i began the search. now, we live in an apartment. which means... well, yeah, i'm fucked. she could be anywhere. and she's probably scared. which means that even if i walked past the bush where she is cowering, 17 times, she isn't going to come out and run to the door screaming "OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE"

so the boy came home. and i left the door open. and what did he do? yeah, walked in and said, "hello" and now i am the only one who is going to kill anything, at this point.

i then explained to him, in the least diplomatic way possible that he left the door open and Chloe got out. he told me that he will go look for her. so we both went outside to look for her. at this point i was on the phone with Husband. he was the cool , "dont worry baby, she'll turn up, everything will be ok, call me if anything changes and oh yeah, jump all up in Baby B's ass would ya?"

we looked for about 30 minutes. and i had left the door open. i told the BB that he best put on a sweater, because in addition to the door being open all day for visitors, and the cat getting out, the heat has been on all day, too. and i am not going to keep it on while we leave the door open for Chloe to come home.
i have called my mom and given her another one for the "Please Keep Me From Killing Him" files. that file got started when i was 9, when he was born. it's a thick folder. please refer to for more tales.

Mom was of the "Someone could have come in and you could have been MAULED" school of thought.
Husband was of the "Someone could have come in and stolen ALL OUR SHIT" school of thought.
i was of the "Someone left the door open and MY CAT IS GONE" school of thought.
and finally, Baby Brother was of the "i was in a hurry" school of thought.

none of this brings Chloe back. and my hands are starting to freeze since the sun is setting and we don't have the heater on.

did i mention that ANY picture we had of Chloe was on the old hard drive which was KAPUT?
did i also mention that she does NOT have a collar, because she and her sister are INDOOR cats?
and did i also mention that if, she does not come back, my family will be minus one Baby Brother?

needless to say, i will save my great post from today for tomorrow.
please send out Come Home Kitty juju.

and, david, please don't mention this to him at work. he feels badly enough. thanks.

******* i DID find a picture of her i had posted on one of my message boards. granted its her backside, but at least people can tell what color cat they should look for. and since she has a weird bump in her tail, that wont be too hard to distinguish. let's hope i dont have to put them up tomorrow.*******


i woke up this morning around 5 and went to go check the food outside and it was gone. i put more out there and tried to go back to sleep. after baby brother's alarm went off, i was sorta drifting in and out. i heard the door close and then a few seconds later, i heard her crying. he went out to start his car and heard her crying in the bushes. he went in a grabbed her and put her in the house. i am sure he feels much better knowing he is the one that fucked up, and then fixed it. our other cat kept following her around sniffing her because she smelled funny. but she has been acting like nothing was wrong. like she does this all the time. well, missy, i got news for you. so we have 2 cats again. life can go on.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

side order of stupid

people are dumb. like, a lot. and in mass quantities. and they come to the coffeehouse where i work.

why? did i do something bad in a past life? is there some giant cosmic joke of which i am the punchline? or perhaps there is a sign on my forehead that says, "ask me dumb shit." if so, then i need to cut myself some bangs. pronto.

here are some of the dumb things i have heard while working in a coffeehouse:

  • what does the mango smoothie taste like? (toenails, now will you be having a large one of those?
  • do you guys have coffee? (nope, we just call ourselves a coffeehouse because it's better than calling ourselves a hospital)
  • can i get a cappuccino, with no foam? (can i also get you a cheeseburger, without cheese?)
  • i need a white hot chocolate to wake me up. (right, because there is SO much caffeine in butterfat)
  • can i get a skinny breve? (first off, skinny is skim milk, secondly, a breve is made with half-and-half. let's think about that for a second.)
  • {while staring at the bagel case} do you have bagels? (nope, just these unglazed do-nuts.)
  • i'll take a coffee. (right, and which one of the 4 sizes and 97 different varieties would you like, there chuckles?)
  • can i get a chocolate mocha? (definition of mocha: A hot coffee-and-chocolate beverage. hmmm... good thing you specified)
  • is there a difference between 'iced' and 'frozen'? (nope, just wanted to fuck with you a little bit more, sparky.)

in regards to our Roaster:

  • do you guys roast coffee? (nope, we call ourselves a roaster as a gimmick. kinda like KFC saying they sell chicken.)
  • is this a roaster? (nope, its our alien escape pod. or my new favorite, its a really big rock tumbler.)
  • is this a real working machine? (no, we spent $20,000 on a machine to sit in the middle of our floor and we just go buy our coffee from Sam's)
  • is this a grinder? (have you EVER seen a grinder this big? especially in a place that calls themselves a COFFEE ROASTER!)
  • oh, the beans aren't brown to begin with? (yep, they fall off the tree ready to be ground)
  • {we have to cool the coffee down once its roasted to stop the heating process and to do so, the beans spin around in a cooling tray} they just spin 'em around like that because it looks cool? (right. if you are stupid and don't know what you are talking about, SHUT UP!)

i also work at a friends coffee kiosk in an airport and they are just as stupid there, too.

  • do you have beer? (what part of JAVA implies beer?)
  • do you have food? (nope, we just have that plastic ham sandwich in the cooler and those aren't really potato chips, they are IQ reduction wafers.)
  • (we have a sign posted IN the cooler with the prices of the various drinks, so when they check out, we cant get away with charging $76 for a cup of coffee, because some asshole looked at me wrong) $2.00 for WATER?!?!?!? you have to be kidding me! (and they say this as they are fumbling through their wallets and handing me the money) don't bitch and then pay. this makes you look stupid and it makes me want to slap you for whining.

so, next time you go to a coffeehouse, may i suggest that you READ the menu BEFORE opening your mouth. and if you see a large machine doing something that you haven't ever seen before, be humble and ask what it does, instead of assume, and then i won't have to write about you being an assmonkey. or if you are at the airport, realize that they will charge you like you are at Disneyland, a concert, or some sporting event. it's a little thing we like to call: CAPTIVE AUDIENCE. learn it, live it, love it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

because #3ga said so

3 names you go by:
a) tistel
b) #3
c) stinky

3 screen names you have:
a) coffeegoddess
b) cgRSF
c) wondergirl29

3 things you like about yourself:
a) i am still 7 years old
b) i got a cute booty
c) i make people laugh

3 things you dislike about yourself:
a) my weight
b) i look for the negative
c) i am a procrastinaor extraordinaire

3 parts of your heritage:
a) english
b) scottish
c) irish

3 things that scare you:
a) the monsters under my bed
b) icebergs
c) germs

3 of your everyday essentials:
a) coffee
b) kisses
c) laughter

3 things you're wearing right now:
a) Old Navy pj bottoms
c) red VS chonies

3 of your favorite bands/artists:
a) van morrison
b) indigo girls
c) chris isaak

3 of your favorite songs at present:
a) clarity - john mayer
b) these are the days - van morrison
c) daughters - john mayer

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
a) living in amarillo
b) pregnancy
c) being the best christel i can be

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
a) romance
b) laughter
c) feeling like someone "gets me"

2 truths and a lie (in no particular order):
a) i am a momma's girl
b) i am a rock star
c) i am comfortable in my own skin

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
b) smile
c) pinchable booty

3 things you just can't do:
a) eat after touching money
b) make sperm
c) willingly eat peas

3 of your favorite hobbies:
a) reading
b) knitting
c) going (ANYWHERE)

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
a) snuggle with my husband
b) fit in my old jeans
c) pack up this apartment in the blink of an eye

3 careers you're considering:
a) coffee roaster
b) jewelry designer
c) stand-up comic

3 places you want to go on vacation:
a) peru
b) any island. you pick, let's go!
c) scotland

3 kid's names:
a) sarah-catherine
b) aidan
c) iris

3 things you want to do before you die:
a) finish living
b) reproduce
c) follow my dreams

3 people who now have to take this quiz:
a) the rest of the numbers
b) mom
c) anyone else who has the patience for it

day in the life

we have some very creative and artistic people at the coffeehouse where i work. we have several dry erase boards for various things... and have pictures drawn for sale items, announcements, coffees of the week, etc. we also have a "special of the day" board.

when i got to work on saturday, the special was a HIGHLY illustrated and very vivid depiction for our "Spicy Leprechaun" latte. which is a latte with cinnamon and irish cream hence, the name. and the girl who drew the sign also had a small person wearing green and standing over a pot of gold with a rainbow. very well done. quite classy. but, i noticed, upon closer inspection, that the spelling was not LEPRECHAUN, but LEPRECHAN. so, i said something about it. L, and D (the 2 who were working) said that there was some discussion about the spelling... but since she had gotten so far in the artwork, it was too late to turn back.

and being the silly imaginative ones that we are... we started making fun of the lepreCHAN. they are a small chinese-irish clan out of san francisco. and with the rainbow.... they became a group of GAY, green eyed, vertically challenged irish-chinese men. how much more politically incorrect could we be? too bad he didn't have his shillelagh to beat our asses for making fun of him.

so we have made fun of this poor gay lucky charms bastard all day... and then just when you thought it couldn't get any worse....

that night, when in the middle of a rush, one of the employees abbreviated it on a cup so i knew what drinks were which.. and the Spicy Leprechaun gay, green-eyed china man became a

Spic Leper.

damn. now he is not only gay, short, part chinese, part irish, and unarmed, he also is part hispanic (yet another minority) and has a deadly skin disorder.

see what too much coffee can do to you?
don't you wish you worked where i do?
i hear there will be an opening in february.
just in time for St Paddy's!

har. har.

Monday, January 10, 2005


when i was a little girl, i used to get to spend lots of time by myself at my grandparents house in dallas. since i was the first grandchild, the ONLY granddaughter, and 8 years old that the next grandchild, i was able to forge a VERY special bond with my Mimi and Pop. i had them all to myself. those were some of my favorite times in my life.

during the summers, we would go to their country club and i would swim in the olympic size pool for hours on end. my grandfather used to squirt water at me using only his hand ... with PRECISE ACCURACY. i still try to perfect that trick when i am in the bathtub. and at night, after being out in the sun all day, we would just relax around the house. Wheel of Fortune would be on. Mimi would be in the kitchen, making dinner. and there was a line where the linoleum didn't reach all the way out of the kitchen, and that was the Magic line you weren't supposed to cross while she was in there. even as i got older, none of us grandchildren would cross that line when she was in there. and my grandfather would be sitting on the other side of the counter "supervising". and by "supervising" i mean trying to trade his blood for scotch... and making comments about whatever we were talking about. it was perfect.

after dinner, we would play cards or watch a little bit of TV. this was back when you had about 25 channels and we watched whatever was on. and somehow, as if by Magic, The Wizard Of Oz would come on when i was visiting. now, seriously, what are the odds of that PARTICULAR movie coming on about 75% of the time i was at their house? whether it was summer, or winter, or a random weekend in the spring? seriously. it WAS magic. and i would lay on the floor between Mimi and Pop, sitting in their respective chairs, and we would watch the Wizard.

even now, when i see it come on TV i call my Mimi. there is a very special thing about the Wizard.
it wasn't until today, i realized the amazing lessons that can be learned from movie. and wisdom too.

i don't exactly remember how it got started, but i have a friend who calls me her Scarecrow. and she is going through a rough time right now.... so me, being one of those people who looks for weird stuff on line to make a point, i looked up the script for the Wizard of Oz. (yeah i know, i am a dork) this is what found me.

remember when Dorothy heads off to Oz? and she comes to a fork in the road? and finds the Scarecrow, and he tells her he will help her if she gets him off the pole he's stuck to. since his legs are a little wobbly, he falls and some of his straw comes out. this is what happens next:

Whhhooops! Ha-ha -- there goes some of me again!

Oh -- does it hurt you?

Oh, no -- I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again.

and it's funny how different things affect you at weird times in your life. never before has this seemed so profound to me.

sometimes we get the stuffing knocked out of us. we can either lay on the ground like a baggy scarecrow, or we can put all the pieces back and make a better, different scarecrow.

thank you Mimi and Pop for that magic.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


when i was on the phone with #3ga, the other night, she said something horrible to me. after telling every last ugly detail of the Misadventures of Meany Christel, and then telling her about how much easier is is to be nice than mean and that it's a nicer way of living and all that other psycho-babble crap that's true.... she says to me, "i am going to tell you something really horrible. You. Are. A. Grown. Up."


how dare she? such profanity. it would be like calling me responsi.... respon..... re.... you know, THAT word. it was like sunlight to a vampire.

and the shitty thing.... it's true.
i have to start acting like a grown ass woman. we all know deep down that i am a 7 year old trapped in this chubby 29 year old body. but the fact is, i can't keep acting like i was. i got the slap in the face. and like the old adage, you dont know what you have until you lose it.... or almost lose it. and i almost lost it. that fact shook me to the core.

and the stupid thing is, this is such a small HUGE problem.
it could have been so much more awful. i could have been an alcoholic... a drug addict.... a real crazy person. (more so that i actually am)

seriously. how dumb was this? hey christel, be nice, or else.

fuck. i feel stupid because this was even an issue. embarassed, ashamed, and hurt.

to those of you have ever been on the pointed end of my tongue, i am sorry. i know how acidic it can be. for those of you who have expressed that you have loved me up to now and will love the Nice Christel too, you will never know how much it rocks to have friends like you.
i owe everyone a big fat Thank You.

and i promise the next post will be RIFE with funny.

and here is a song that says a lot to me right now:
Clarity by John Mayer

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
Because it just can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together

Sunday, January 02, 2005

7 am

it's 7 in the morning and i just got back from the airport. i put my husband on a plane.... and now i am sad.

the next time i see him, we will be moving to amarillo. that will be 7 weeks from now. the hard part is NOT the 7 weeks. the hard part is that we finally made some headway in getting back to "us", and then he had to leave.

him being in amarillo was harder that either one of us was willing to admit. and a lot of the blame can actually be put on me. see, despite my smartass and glittery exterior, i am really a bitch. a mean bitch. no....really. and being a bitch can get you in trouble. unless there is someone in your life that accepts that side of you and just takes the bitchiness. and that, was my poor husband. sadly, i have been the worst to my husband and he finally got fed up. he got tired of hearing me bitch and BE a bitch. so, he then quit talking to me. which made me more upset, because all i got were 5 minute phone calls. you can't sustain a marriage on 5 minute phone calls. so, since neither of us tried to sustain it, it got a little dented. not broken, just dented. like 10% off at the checkout, dented.

this past week with him home has been rough to say the least. lots of silence, lots of anger, a WHOLE lot of tears, and a little bit of happiness. but, we have dug down inside ourselves and admitted and shared and compromised and touched on the chewy center of ourselves and decided that this marriage IS one worth saving. and we are gonna do everything it takes to get it right again. we will not be needing the services of all the kings horses and all the kings men at this time.

that being said, hopefully and truthfully, you can expect a few changes around here. the new year will bring on a NEW christel. a much nicer and calmer and more loving christel.
  • one who accepts her surroundings, instead of trying to find everything wrong with them.
  • one who not only loves her husband, but lets him FEEL it as well as HEAR it.
  • one who will try to gain as much joy out of the last weeks she has in South Carolina, because had it not been for living here, i would not have met, or fallen in love, or gotten married, or met all the wonderful people who are in her life.
  • one who puts on a happy face, even if she doesn't feel like it, because sometimes "you gotta fake it till ya make it".
  • one who looks for positive things, instead of negative things.
  • and one who is pleasant to be around and truly is able to enhance her life with those whom she surrounds herself.

for those of you who are my very own personal friends, please be patient and understanding with me. the girl i am searching for is not a new girl, just a girl we haven't seen in a while. we like her.

for those of you who have just stumbled across me, get ready for a wild ride. the new girl is TONS more fun than the crusty mean bitchy one.

happy new year.

with love,