meet the Stupids

yes yes, we have all read or written about

blog + work = B.A.D.


but but but... like, i have SOOOOOOOOOO many stories to tell.

• like the one about the man with the voicemail icon on his phone and screaming at me to GET! IT! OFF! I! DON'T! HAVE! VOICE! MAIL! "ummm, yes sir you do, because that's what that little icon means, want i should retrieve that for you?" (and i made the man listen to his OWN voicemail and was *THIS* close to berating him. but instead i showed him how to do the voo-doo that i do to make the little talky box work)
• or the woman who brought her phone in because it wasn't working properly, and upon battery removal we saw the "water damage indicator sticker" was RED instead of WHITE and told her she had water damage. she claimed she NEVER got it wet. after many hours of making her listen to Barry Manilow and shoving bamboo under her fingernails, she FINALLY admitted to keeping the damn phone in HER BRA! it wasn't so much "water" as "sweat" damage. (and you made *ME* touch that thing?????)
• how about the man with the 10 minute "emergency only" plan who went over his minutes by oh, i don't know... 200! and then claimed he made NO phone calls, and why was his bill so high? after i looked at his last dialed call log, and SHOWED him that he had made calls, he said, "well that's kinda like getting your hand stuck in the cookie jar, huh?" YA THINK!?!?!?!
• perhaps you'd like to hear about the guy who brought his phone in and was FURIOUS that it wasn't working and he'd JUST bought it. and once we took the back off, we noticed his BATTERY was missing. sir, did you have the battery when you LEFT the store?
• ever heard the one about the lady who was afraid of giving herself a heart attack because she keeps her phone on "vib-a-rate" in her bra? (again, you made *ME* touch that thing?)
• and finally, let me tell you about the woman who's phone was "deader than a doornail" and i was *THIS* close to doing a warranty call on it, until she handed me the phone and i turned it on and it came on. and she asked how i did it. and i showed her the power button and she said she had NEVER turned it on before and didn't even know where the power button was. i am a freakin messenger of satan with the powers that i possess!

frightening to see that not only coffee-drinkers leave their brains at home, no?