black-eyed peas

yeah. i'm gonna do it too.

list of things i would like to accomplish in the year 2005: (in no particular order)

• live in the actual same house as my husband
• be nice
• fall in love again*
• woo*
• start my own roasting company
• take a sewing/knitting/pottery/craft-related class
• work on a "family"
• make out*
• spend lots of weekends with my favorite people
• write poetry
• smile
• whittle down some of our debt
• get a dawggie
• write actual letters to my grandmother
• go somewhere romantical*
• lose 15 pounds
• donate more of my time

* WITH my husband, DUR!

i hope your New Year brings you as much joy and happiness as we have all asked for.

see you in '05.

december 23rd

my mom called me the other day and left me voicemail. on it, she was singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at the TOP of her lungs. she then proceeded to tell me that "the Christmas Spirit has jumped up and bitten her on the ass and won't let go"

now that, my dear friends, is funny.
because
A: my mom doesn't have the greatest singing voice (she says its worse than it really is)
B: its total silliness
and 3rd: i picture Forrest Gump when he got shot in the ass and says, "sumthing biiiiit meee"


but my dilemma is this:
I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TO BITE ME, TOO.

i haven't really even BEGUN my shopping, much less wrapping... i know i am a procrastinator, but something about this christmas has me dragging my feet. maybe its that Husband isn't here?
maybe it's that last year was SOOOOO shitty, i keep expecting something terrible to happen, so i'm on my guard.
maybe it's that my ass is impenetrable to the bite of the Christmas spirit. (eggnog will do that to ya........i think its kinda like whiskey dick)

maybe it's..... hell i dont know. but i DO know it makes christelmas shopping very difficult.

and since i have been whiny in this post, i think it is time i bring back the "list of 3 meaningful things"
it can't hurt, right?

1. i will pick up my husband up from the airport in less than 36 hours.
2. i have a brand spanking new neice.
3. Christelmas is in 2 days and i will be sitting in front of a fireplace with my family.

so take from this post what you will....

and if you have any extra christelmas spirit, please send it to me.

you want amarillo, you got it.

see, amarillo wasn't all that fun. that's why i have been dragging my feet on it.
but i deem myself an OK storyteller, so here we go.

Oncest uponst a time (that's how i used to begin all stories as a child)

i left good ol' Suck Carolina at 6 am on wednesday the 1st. i flew from here to DEEtroit, then to oklahoma city, then to dallas and then to amarillo. we never even got in the air long enough to reach cruising speed with number of legs there were on this freakin trip. basically they had a big rubber band and launched us to our next destination.

when i got to DEEtroit, SELF said to me, "you sure could go for another cuppa coffee" and i don't like to ignore her, so lo and behold, there was a cute little coffee stand RIGHT as i deplaned (is that really a word?) it was a sign. and there was a sign, too. a hand written sign announcing that the "EXpresso machine was broken" ummmm... if you don't work in "the biz" you have a free "i am such a dumbass that i can't read that there isn't an 'x' in espresso, nor will i signify that i can speak, either and also CALL it EXpresso" card. if you DO work in "the biz" you should just plain know better. alas, she did not know better.... which raised my hesitation bar a notch or two. so, being a punter, i opted for coffee.... i saw, as i rounded the corner to the bar area, three large airpots. one labeled "Decaf French Roast" one with "French Roast" which said to me that the company that roasts their coffee doesn't know how since all they have done with whatever they swept of the warehouse floor, is BURN it. and finally an airpot labeled "Signature Blend". ok, you hooked me. here is how that went:

me: what's in your signature blend.
her: oh, it's just plain coffee.
me: right, but what KIND of coffee is it? (this is the part where the previous warning signs flew out the window and i have now set myself up for failure)
her: it's not flavored or anything.
me: ok, but what country do the beans come from? you know, are they colombian? guatemalan? east african?
her: oh, they come from chicago.
me: (small cough) oh, that's where they are roasted, but what country do they come from, colombia? brazil? sumatra? ( i wanted to know because of the acidity of different beans and my empty tummy)
her: (looks me straight in the eyes) they come from Chicago.
me: CHICAGO IS A CITY, NOT A COUNTRY. COFFEEBEANS HAVE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WHERE THEY ARE GROWN.......no, but, oh fuck it nevermind.

and exit stage left.
welcome to DEEtroit.

i found some 100 proof colombian at some bagel place and was much happier. i swear this shit ALWAYS happens to me.

yada yada planes, flying, deplaning, (?) changing airlines, security, flying, and FINALLY i landed in amarillo.
hmmmm.... landing in amarillo.... i was so freaked out. see, i am from what's called the "Hill Country" in texas. thus indicating the earth being at differing highs and lows. and we have some trees there too. then moving to SC, i have found out what trees and mountains REALLY look like. so to fly from OKC to amarillo... was a bit umm... well it was... in a word, unsettling.
it was flat. F-L-A-T. flat. ______________________________________T_________________

the (T) was a tree. the one. the one tree.

so yeah. i was frightened.

Husband and i did a little extra long smooching in the terminal when i finally got my arms around him. yes, we were "those people" and i didn't care.
when we left, he asked me if i wanted the "oh my gawd, i just quit my job and drove out here for 2 days and this is where we are going to live" scary amarillo tour? duh. yes.
and not 5 minutes into the drive, i saw something in the road. no, not roadkill.... TUMBLEWEED.
actual honest to goddess TUMBLEWEED. and i nearly hurt myself laughing at that. see, since texas is bigger than france, there are lots of different terrains. where i come from, yeah, no tumbleweeds. and no, i don't own a horse. we knew that amarillo was a Cowboy Town, but damn...

we drove and looked and counted the trees. (12 total) and saw the Big Texan and old oil derrick or 3... and then went to lunch. and in texas we have Shiner Bock beer. and if you know me, you know that's my favorite. and since i was a little rattled by the sparseness of amarillo and lack of anything resembling a "nice part of town" yeah, i had a few cold ones. and wanted to follow that up with a few more cold ones. but there were naps to be had.

since Husband works the 5pm to 3am shift, he was a wee bit tired.... so we went back to his room and slept. and slept some more. and then got up, ate McDonald's and slept some more. which was fine, since i could snuggle him all i wanted to. i had 7 weeks of snuggling to make up for. and i almost got it all done.
the next day we slept in and then bought yarn so i could do something while he was at work that night and then went to lunch. yeah in texas, EVERYTHING is either shaped like texas or has a star on it. (just like i like it) this time it was the paving stones at the restaurant. of course i noticed it because i'm like that. Husband said he's been going there since he moved out there and never even noticed them. well, he's not a texan, yet.

H went to work and i went to knitting. and watching TV. in a hotel room. for 8 hours. by myself. the one good thing was that the Chris Isaak Christelmas special was on. talk about a happy girl. because he's my boyfriend. no really. he is. so, he made a show for me to watch and sang christelmas songs to me for 2 hours. no commercials. yay upon yay.
H had to work late, so he didn't get in until about 5 so that meant he needed to sleep until at least 12 or 2. on my birthday. and since i am an early riser, i was up at 8. so i watched him sleep and then tried to wake him about 9 times. and finally he joined us among the land of the living.
we talked for a little bit, fought for a little bit (because that's what you do when you don't live with your spouse for 3 months.) made up for a while ;) and then got our asses in gear. since i am truly a 5 year old... what did i want to do? yeah go see a movie. not just ANY movie, the Incredibles. (only because he wouldn't take me to spongebob)
yeah. 5 year old and animation. all that was missing was the sticky hands. after leaving there, we went back to the room to get dressed for dinner. my big fancy birthday dinner.
he took us to a place called marty's. which the guys he works with told him was the "nicest place in town" i was hesitant since i only brought jeans... but who gives a shit? its MY day. so as we were walking in, a big fat bubba comes walking out in overalls. ok, now i don't feel so out of place, but that also throws "nicest place in town" out the window.
it was beautiful inside. all dimly lit and beautiful glass everywhere. we sat at the bar and i ordered a glass of wine, and a glass of water. i took one sip of the water and pushed the glass away. it was GROSS. but the wine was good.
we got to our table and our server was about a month and half younger than methuselah. and she had 3 pens in her hair. but she was sweet. we ordered the bacon wrapped shrimp for appetizer and i got the chicken marsala and a spinach salad with hot bacon dressing (upon H's insistence, i wanted ranch) he got steak. our salads came out before our swimps. strike #2. i took one bite of the salad and pushed it away. the hot bacon dressing was ucky. i didn't like it. then out came our swimps. now the description said, "mesquite-smoked shrimp wrapped in bacon and grilled" how wrong could that be? well it had some weird sauce on it and i think it had some weird cheese wrapped in there too. i ate one shrimp and pushed it away. strike #3.
then our entrees arrive... now, i don't know about you, but where i come from, marsala sauce is NOT the color of barbecue sauce. call me snobby, but i don't think they made it right. and i HATE barbecue sauce. so, i was brave and took one bite and wanted to push it away, but having really not eaten a lot, what with the shrimps and salad bites, i needed to eat. so, i made it through half of my chicken... and pushed it away. strike #4.
but, there's always free dessert on your birthday, right? i wanted creme brulee, but then figured they would probably fuck that up, too. so i opted for cheesecake since H likes it and if it was ucky too... he could finish it. well guess what? it was ucky. it was orange. not just color, but flavor. at this point... i am starting to think it's a conspiracy. strike #5. so.... at least the wine was good. and we forked out $86 bucks for me to have 4 bites of food. happy birthday to me.

we left there and went downtown because i told H i wanted a new tattoo for my birthday. and that's what i was going to get. since dinner was a bust.... this better not be. now, when you get a tattoo, you expect it to hurt and you expect it to take a long time, and finally, you expect it to bleed. these are the temporary badges of honor that come with getting a tattoo... not to mention the adrenaline high following it. yeah, it took maybe 15 minutes. maybe. and it didn't hurt. it was supposed to, since i got it on the back of my neck.... and no bleeding or "tattoo high" again, i got gyped.

mother fucker.
BUT, i do have a nice new shiny tattoo. in case you were curious, it's the word "aithne" which is the gaelic word for knowledge. see how cool i am. yeah, i know.

so, saturday we slept in and then went out to a comedy club and saw some ok comics. H's friend, brad, joined us. he smelled yummy and had nice arms. so i strategically placed myself BETWEEN them. smart girl, no? we left there and went to a shit-kicker bar called Midnight Rodeo. and it was a ghost town. i think i saw another tumbleweed go across the dance floor. as the night wore on, the place picked up a little. we shook our tailfeathers, our groove thangs and our bon bons. i even 2-stepped. quite impressively, i might add. not bad for a beginner.
we left there and all crashed out at the room. brad and i got up at 8 and i drove him back to his truck. once H and i got moving, we went to go see another movie. this time, national treasure. it was a great movie. after that, i wanted some barbecue. you know, brisket, sausage, shit like that. and that's what i got. now remember what i said about everything being in the shape of texas? well.... being one of those weird hand-washer types, i made a trip to the Ladies. in there was a woman "making a stinky" and i found myself laughing hysterically at the sink. the sink basin was in the shape of..... you guessed it. TEXAS. now i have seen a lot of things in my life.... but this one took the cake. so i can only imagine what that poor woman must have thought when some girl comes in the bathroom and starts laughing. bless her little poopy heart. i so want that sink. i even made H go to the Gents to see. i am still devising a plan to steal those sinks.

so, we ate. and it was good. it was real damn good. it made me happy. a whole lotta happy. and we had birthday dinner take 2. yay. and i washed it all down with a nice tall cold Shiner Bock. yum-o-rama.

my plane left at 9 the next morning... so we were at the airport by 8. this time, my trip was amarillo to dallas to okla city to memphis to sc. fuck me.
said our good-byes and see you in fingers and toes day. and off i went. now going through security, you have to take off your shoes. and ONLY in texas do they have one of those boot removers. you know the little wedge of wood with a U shaped notch in the top that you put your heel in to take your boots off. i swear i cant make this shit up. only in texas. that was my last little chuckle from amarillo.
so in the air by 9... land in dallas hop on another plane, land in okc... and here i have a 5 hour wait. yay me. good thing i bought 2 books. so i didn't mind that it was going to be 15 minutes for my meal at the hamburger joint, fuck, i have 4 hours and 45 MORE minutes to kill.

so, i set up camp... and read. and read. and glared at the man in the loud shoes who kept walking back and forth... and read some more. for 4 hours. FINALLY we get on the plane and in an hour we are in memphis. where i have an hour and a half layover. again with the yay.
so, by now i have finished my book i started at 9 this morning. (i read fast) and get to sit with all the people headed back to Suck Carolina. gawd i hate the accent here. i wanted to pull all of their eyelashes out. slowly. and i have been traveling for about 9 hours... i was a little bit cranky. by the time i got off the plane in SC, it was 10pm. including the time change, i had been in airports and airplanes for over 12 hours.

so. that was amarillo. are you exhausted now?
yeah, i was too.

a challenge has been issued.

hmmmm...
seems a "commenter" has not realized that the thing i do for a living is called W-O-R-K. say it with me now, wwwwweeeeerrrrrrkkkkkkk.

and whilst at this place of employment, i do not have access to
A: a chair upon which to rest my laurels
B: a computer upon which i can compose the events of my day and exaggerate them greatly as to glean non-existent humor from them
and 3rd: any time to do such things listed above.


for those of you playing along for cash and prizes, i work in a coffeehouse. and since coffee is the second highest traded commodity (next to oil) i have, what i like to call, Job Security. which means that i am BIZZY. all day long. and with it being the holiday season... that's extra bizzy. with fries and a shake.

so. now that the challenge has been issued to blog. (before another 29 days passes)

i am here.

and i have funny.

as a matter of fact (10 coffeebeans to whomever can tell me the meaning and derivative of that saying) i have LOTS of funny.

wanna hee it, hee it go.

a co-worker and i have decided to dress LIKE christmas trees on the 24th. we realized that we are at that in-between age where holiday sweaters aren't cool, unless we are teachers and even then, its iffy. so, since we aren't 12.... or 42.... we can't pull it off.

so... what if we DRESSED LIKE the holiday?
we are going to get big green sweatshirts and somehow manage to attach ornaments to our personal selves and fashion some type of Star/Angel Tree-Topper headband and affix all manner of lights of the twinkling and flashing variety to ourselves, as well.

BUT WAIT, there's more. we are also going to wear one of those Jingle Bells the size of a uterus around our necks as well. i mean if you are going to be gaudy, do it up right, right?

yes, pictures will be taken. merriment will abound. sides will hurt. children will flee in terror. ahhhh.... holiday spirit.

so, we got spirit, yes we do.....
we got spirit, how bout you?






as an addendum, we have a variation on a theme... and we are also able to recycle. what can we say? we are givers.

in order to get the most bang for our buck, we have devised a way to turn our Holiday Spirit into a Halloween Costume.

yes, i know you are curious, but be patient, Grasshopper, it's coming.

BEFORE we go out on October 31st in our Holiday Tree outfit, we shall consume massive quantities of LIQUOR, BEER, WINE, or any combination thereof.

thus making us







LIT CHRISTMAS TREES.


it doesnt get much funnier than that. if it does, don't tell me.

things i have realized:

1. all of my friends are funnier than me.
2. all of my friends have better racks than me. (including the one i "bought" for Special K)
3. all of my friends "get me" and then go one level beyond that.
4. i need to subscribe to a "word of the day" mailing list, because i use ordinary words. when is the last time you heard someone say "counter-intuitive"?
5. even though my friends are funnier than me, i am that girl who just says any ole thing that comes to her head... therefore making me more fun at parties.

so its not a great list, but new year's resolution time is coming up... and i now have a jump on everyone else. too bad i cant do anything about the "funnier than me" part.

i do like making people laugh, though. i even had a woman ask me if was in "acting" the other night while standing in line to use the Ladies. she even told me i was funny and asked if i had ever considered doing Stand-Up. the answer to that is YES! i would love to stand up in front of hundreds of people and make them laugh until the audience sounded like a bagpipe when you step on it. but i am funnier in a group. i need to feed off someone or something. i think they call that situational humor. ask any of my girlfriends from the mountain trip a few weeks ago. i was the one liner girl. i even got this phone call on the way home, "hey, what was that really funny thing you said?" right... they all were (in my book).

i especially love making one of my friends laugh so hard that she says this: (out of breath and still laughing) "Shut..................THE......................FUCK.........................Up!" i LOVE that. because she is one of those people that saves the F bomb for really special stuff. so if i can get her to say it while clutching her sides, i am golden. golden, i tell you.

so. if anyone can some up with a way for me to be amongst a group of my favorite people and be funny and make a living doing it, then HOLLA!

29 days.

since my last post.


thats ENTIRELY too long.

the day after my last post, i went up to the mountains to play with some of my favorite people. we had illegal amounts of fun. after descending the mountain, i come home to a "broke ass" computer. and i dont mean minor repairs, i mean the fucker wont even turn on.

so, being a girl, i take it to the place where the man-types fix things. "hi, i'm a girl, here's lots of money. make it work."

so they did. but.... the problem was pretty substantial. we had 2 hard drives on our computer, an 80 gig and a 40 gig. the 80 gig got corrupted somehow and we lost EVERYTHING on it. and i mean EVERYTHING. so after dealing with that, it was time to head to amarillo to see my husband.

*more on that adventure later*

so now i am home. got home monday. it took me 12 hours to get home. i left amarillo at 8 am.
i got back here at 10 pm. if i had been in the air that entire time, i would be in italy. but no.... i got to spend 4 hours in the oklahoma city airport and then 2 in the memphis airport. yay me.

so, after the traveling i get up and at em to work at 6 the next morning. and didnt leave work until 9 that night. welcome to christmas season in the retail world. wednesday i worked 9 hours and yesterday i worked almost 13.

good thing i get overtime.

so, i have been a world traveler and a busy bee with a "broke ass" computer.


but i am alive. and being 29 feels much the same as 28 did, but with more candles on the cake.

"do you know what today is?"

that was the question asked by Husband at 5:45 this morning.

to which i replied, "thursday?"

"nope."

"november 11th?"

"nope."

"ummm... i not knowin."

"today is Fingers and Toes Day."

"excuse me?"

"Fingers and Toes Day."

"and WHAT? pray tell is Fingers and Toes Day?"

"Fingers and Toes Day is today, because you only have to you use your fingers and toes to count the days until i get to see you again. no one else's digits are required."

(commence with the crying) "how cute are you?"

"very."


and he is.

he came up with this in the shower this morning. and this is reason 2,387,563,835,475,694,398,723 that i love him.

Happy Fingers and Toes Day, Y'all.

election day

and i have 2 words.

politics schmolitics.

i vote for SpongeBob SquarePants.

joe crow

so i dog-sat all weekend while the 'rents were out playing.

and i come home late last night after closing at the store... to a brother laying on the couch, watching movies with an empty pizza box in front of him... and his girlfriend... in his room. CLEANING it. and he is letting her. she said she just wanted to do it. i say she got tired of wallowing through the mire that is considered "Z's room". i gave the boy a ration of shit about it and he says, all defensively, "she said she had all this energy and wanted to clean. she even wanted to clean the living room, but i made her stop"

i think i might have to call BULLSHIT on this one, folks.
she got tired of the place looking like a dump. the end.

and THEN, she leaves and shortly after, the phone rings. it's her. the conversation goes like this:
... it's the stick on the right side of the steering wheel.
... yeah, push it all the way down, and then up one notch.
... no, one notch.
... the right side.
... then you aren't doing it right. (at this point i am thinking, what on earth could be going on in this girl's car, that she has to call HIM to figure it out)
... well i guess you have to drive home with the windows down.
... (frustrated voice) well, sorry, i don't know what to tell you.
... yeah. bye.


hmmmm.... so i asked him what that was all about.

him: she couldn't find the windshield wipers.
me: on her OWN car?
him: no, she is in my car.
me: why?
him: because i didn't want to drive her home. i'm tired.
me: so let me get this straight, first you let this girl clean your sty and you lay on the couch watching movies while she does it, THEN you are "too tired" to drive her home so you send her off in YOUR piece of shit car to drive herownself home? (at this point i am getting a little vocal about it.)
him: yeah.
me: that's really shitty. and sad.
him: we agreed upon it earlier. she said she was fine with it.
me: of course she did. she is one of those types of girls who does anything you say because she doesn't want to make waves. she cleaned your room and then drove herself home in your car, for fuck's sake.
him: whatever.

and that brought us to the conclusion of that conversation. nice, huh?

BUT WAIT, there's more.
i also noticed, when i came home to get new clothes, that the computer i had turned off the day prior was miraculously on. and i know the cats didn't do it. and i know the aliens didn't do it. that leaves one other creature. Z. so, i turned to computer off when i left.
and when i got home on sunday, it was on again. those damned aliens.

and then this morning, when i was straightening up the kitchen, i decided, on a whim, to check the likker cabinet. hmm... i don't remember the tequila being there. and that bottle of rum used to live at the back of the cabinet. gee... that's strange.


IT WOULD ONLY BE STRANGE IF I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE LIVING HERE.

but i do. and i asked him about it. because he had mentioned getting drunk at some point during the weekend. i asked him what he drank.
him: uhh... beer and tequila.
me: MY tequila?
him: yeah. i'll buy you some more. (keep in mind he is only 19 and i will probably be the one to actually BUY the tequila)
me: you mean the tequila that i got on my 21st birthday that i save for special occasions.
him: what?
me: you mean the t e q u i l a that i got on my 21st birthday that i s a v e for special o c c a s i o n s.
him: oh. i didn't know.
me: BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ASK! just because you live here does not give you free reign over anything housed within these walls. i turned off the computer this weekend and you still got on it. we bought beer so that WE could drink it and you drink my tequila as well. you cant just get into peoples stuff without asking. if you want something. ASK FIRST!
him: uh. ok. fine.

grrrrrr.....and i marched off to my room. to tell all you nice people about it.

children. i swear.

since my husband is displaced....

i have noticed that i have reverted back to a 14 year old girl. (yes, i know, some of you think that is considered "growing up" for me.....) and i have recently become BOY CRAZY. (when is the last time you heard that phrase?)

i have told Husband about this and he just laughs. and then says, "you can look, but don't touch" what sort of shopping rules are those?

so i have compiled a photo montage of Boys I'd Like to Lick. (not for the faint of heart)

for your viewing pleasure, i give you, in no particular order, the Lucky 13.

1. my Husband
2. andy pettitte (now pitches for the Astros)
3. johnny damon (newest World Series champ)
4. orlando bloom (i'm speechless)
5. brad pitt (umm... again, speechless)
6. LL Cool J a.k.a. Lady's Love Cool James (just give me an hour to kiss him. the only thing better than HIS lips, are my husband's lips)
7. joey harrington (QB for the Lions. used to play for the Oregon Ducks)
8. johnny depp (pillage me)
9. jason la rue (catcher for the Cinci Reds)
10. vin diesel (*drool*)
11. chris isaak (he sang to me for over 2 hours, once)
12. benjamin bratt (if he's good enough for julia....)
13. matthew mcconaughey (a boy from the Lone Star State... how could you go wrong?)

TADA! this has brought me about half way out of my funk. now its only 25 more days until i see my #1. YAY!

even jackie wilson can't fix this one.

ok so i'm in a funk.

a blue period?

mean reds?

fuck it. i'm down. not out... just down.

and i don't want to fix it. i just want it to go away.
i have been anti-social and that just ain't me. i haven't called 2 of my very good friends since i have been back from texas and i feel like a schmo for that... and then that adds to the funk. so i feel bad because i haven't called and haven't called because i feel bad. vicious cycle. i have been invited to a halloween party with some of my favorite gay boys... and i am probably not going. how stupid is that? (besides the fact that i hate halloween)

work sucks. a lot. a whole lot. sucks on ice.

since i am leaving in 3 months, i need to train my replacement. now we all knew who the replacement will be, and she works there and i love her. no problem there. the problem is that what was supposed to be a gradual process, came as one fell swoop. what was supposed to transition from manager ... came as WHA-POW! bottom of the food chain. i feel like i have been demoted. that's not the case, but i feel that way. but maybe i am reading too much into all of this. maybe the other employees don't really feel confused about who they should ask about stuff? maybe the vendors that call don't know who to ask for? maybe the answers to the questions aren't my responsibility anymore. maybe im just fucked in the head. yeah, that must be it. and the holiday season is coming. fast. like it will be here tomorrow. and i have gift baskets that will be coming out of my ass in a matter of weeks. stressed? no. nuh-uh. not much. and i know that once gift baskets are done, then that means christmas is over and then i have to pack to move. to another state. away from my family, friends... to strike out on our own. i am super excited about living in amarillo. it's the getting there part that makes me want to crawl in a hole. a big hole. with a one-way opening.

and i am sad because i had a wonderful weekend with my husband and had to say goodbye all over again. so the roller coaster is now creeping back up the huge incline before the 984 foot drop. chucka chucka chucka chucka.... and i miss him. so much. yeah, it was nice the first few weeks when i got to play bachelor-girl. now i am just a wife with a displaced husband. no more game. just the lonely. and the act that we talk maybe 7 minutes total, each day isn't helping. we went from 72+ hours together to 3 and 4 minute phone calls. talk about a screeching halt. this shit sucks.

and my father-in-law is a daily stress factor. he is at the very top of the "Things To Stress About Today" list. his health is bad. his mind is going. he is lonely. he is poor. he has to fight with the VA on a daily basis. and he doesn't walk so well. his wife (and caregiver) died almost a year ago... and he hasn't even grieved for her, yet. granted neither have i. because grieving about it, is admitting it happened. and i DO NOT want to get on that bus ever. (yeah, can we say denial?) so i feel totally helpless when it comes to the subject of Daddy Mike. real helpless. but that man calls me everyday. to check on me, to tell me how he is doing, to tell me that everything is going to be ok. after all the shit this man deals with on a daily basis, he calls ME to tell me that everything is going to be ok. how amazing is that? but i know deep down, that when we talk, it's therapeutic for both of us. if he can hear about my mundane shit, it helps him get his mind off of his major shit. and making him laugh is one of my favorite things. he told Husband once, that he made a vow to himself to make his wife laugh every day. and he did it too. and Husband does it now, as well. and i now do the same thing to Daddy Mike. full circle, i guess. but it works. and he calls this morning to let me know that he was worried about me yesterday. he called probably 6 times. and i never picked up the phone. (the funk, remember) and i felt horrible about it. so i apologized this morning and told him i was in a funk and he tried to bring up stuff that he thought i would be happy about, but some of the stuff is the exact reason i am stressed. poor guy. the conversation was like this:
"what about...."
"i don't wanna talk about that. "
"well what about....."
" i don't want to talk about that either."
"well, just remember....."
"yeah, that's stressing me out too"

poor guy. he was trying so hard. and i love him for it. and then he told me if i wanted to stay in my funk, i could. and that made me happy. ummm... happy-er.

so, i have found that when i am in a mood like this, the best thing to do is let me do it on my own. don't try to cheer me up. don't feel bad for me, just hug me. silently. i will come around. usually. but for right now, if you don't hear from me.... don't worry, i'm fine. i just got the blues.
i think i will go listen to some muddy waters now.

please welcome the graduating class of 1994

sorry to have left you all hanging for a day. a girl does have to work, some time.

anyway, where were we? oh right. the reunion.
so we got there and checked in and got our badges. they used the worst picture possible for me. i was a wee bit heavier (read: a LOT heavier) when i graduated, and that's the picture they used. yay me.
so we started to see some of the people we were talking about earlier in the day. A and i start giggling because some of these people have not changed. certain individuals that we made fun of, ones we had crushes on, ones we thought were losers, and ones that picked on us. the boys had not changed much. the girls. a whole other story. wanna hear it? here it go.

it was a little nervous at first for everyone. a lot of looking once, then looking at the name tag, the blank stare while they ran through the mental list of "did i know you/like you/pick on you/hate you/fuck you?" and then when they made whatever match, they would either advance, or do the half smile and turn away. i mean UH-LOT of that. but then there were the "oh hey, i was hoping you were going to be here"s! so it was wide open, the responses we all got/gave.

now keep in mind, that my husband and A's husband are the best dressed ones here. our men were hot. so we got some looks because of that (yay us). so we head for the bar (?) it was likker and beer lined up on something as big as a podium... and we had to pay for it. the funny thing was that i think i heard a girl say, "ooh, i forgot my ID" and then realized that this was a 10 year high school reunion. if we aren't old enough to drink, we aren't old enough to be there. did i mention that girl was me? (yeah, i'm a fuckwit.) blah blah drinks... and A and i see a girl we were in algebra with us who was in serious need of a mayonnaise sandwich back then. now, i'd like to add bacon and cheese to said sandwich. she was toooooo tiny. but still a sweetie. the 3 of us caught up and introduced husbands and made nice and that was great. she was even a cheerleader too. who knew they would be human? (i can't really say that... i was friends with half of them. don't tell.)
so we see all the other girls we didn't like in school. they were either pregnant, or showing off pictures of their kids. this was the part that started to bum me out. i started threatening to show pictures of my empty uterus with the sign on it that said,

FOR RENT
9 month Lease
Very cozy
GREAT starter home

but husband shut that down.

dammit, he never lets me have any fun. also we realized A and i were the only ones from "our group". that kinda bummed us out. A and her husband went to go check on the Race (capitalized just for you, A) and Husband and i started more mingling. i pointed out the first boy i EVER danced with. the boy i had a crush on, my senior year. the girl who used to pick on me and my NON matching socks in junior high history class (it was the 80's). i introduced him to a girl whom i have known since 5th grade. and we hugged and talked like not a day had passed by. i showed him the girl everyone thought was my twin (ummm...no.) and told him utterly funny and clever stories about myself. (all bullshit) we took the class picture, and by then A and her husband were back. we decided we had enough and headed down to 6th street. (for those of you poor souls who don't know what 6th street is, its a street in austin with all the bars, clubs, tattoo parlors, and more bars on it. its where EVERYONE goes to party. think bourbon street, but cooler, cleaner, and in austin)

Husband wanted to go to Pete's Dueling Piano Bar. we both have very fond memories of this joint. we went the first time i ever took him to austin, i had my bachelorette thing there, he had his bachelor party there, and we went there after our wedding. it's his favorite place. so we went. and we had a blast. MUCH better than the reunion. much. its basically 2 guys with pianos, who play requests for ridiculous amounts of money, and bring people on stage to make asses of them. it's a RIOT. if you are ever going to austin, let me know. i will fly down from amarillo and take you to pete's. i promise.

we continued with the drinking, laughing, and drinking. we headed home around 1:30. we said our good-byes and went back and crash out at our hotel. we had to get up early the next morning to go to brunch with the B's. and we weren't about to miss that. this time, P made it and brought his friend, vijay (sorry if i spelled it wrong). now, this is a half-jewish, half-italian family. they are loud. and we were sitting at a round table. and everyone was talking to someone ACROSS the table. it was like throwing a sentence across the table, and someone else lobbing it back.... it was ridiculous. and fun. once we all got the pleasantries out of the way, we ordered some coffee and all settled into family mode. i sat between my 2 favorite men (fuckin, DUH) and we had a wonderful brunch. that was over way too soon. i mean TOO soon. Husband and i had to hit the road headed back to dallas. we wanted to go back to the B's house, but never would have left, then. we hugged and kissed and cried and hugged some more. we said our goodbyes and ran. because if we hadn't;t, we would STILL be standing downtown, hugging.

the drive back to dallas was quick. Husband called my father at noon to let him know that we were on our way (really he wanted to find out what time the Cowboys game started.) the game started at 3:15. Husband said, "we will be there for kickoff." i said there was no way. but somehow we did it. with time to spare. yay us!

my father's apartment was small, but perfect. since he travels all the time, its just right. so we watched the game (ooh, fun) and i got to see footage of my brother's football game, the day prior. and then we left to get dinner. since i hadn't had any BBQ this visit, i wasn't leaving without at least having chicken fried steak. and that's exactly what i got. mmmm.....

after dinner, my father and i sat on his balcony and drank scotch. which is a new, nice tradition we have started since his last wife wouldn't let him drink the stuff.

BUT WAIT, i forgot the best part! we got him a Golf Zen Garden for his birthday. when he was unboxing it, he pulled out a HUGE piece of bubble wrap. and he and i started laughing so hard. i mean, sides hurt, can't breathe, tears rolling down our face, laughing. meanwhile, Husband has the "i don't get it look" i found out then, that H doesn't read my blog. you catch that? MY HUSBAND DOES NOT READ MY BLOG. and he lives half a continent away. the fucker. so my father and i had to explain to him the bubble wrap story. (http://3gallonsofcoffee.blogspot.com/2004/10/never-dull-moment.html#comments)

and then i got the look. you know the one. the look where he just shakes his head and rolls his eyes and says, "only MY wife" yep, that one. who cares? my father and i thought it was funny. so did everyone else who read it.

back to the balcony... we are drinking scotch. and having a great time, until.....

my mother calls.

i think she may have had a few drinks. and i KNOW she had a bad day. i could hear it. and i know she called for a good reason, but i think a lot of stuff got lost in the translation. poor girl. ( i owe her a dozen or so hugs when i see her next.) she called to give me directions to and from the airport from every location in dallas. see, i was taking Husband from my father's house to one airport, then driving to my grandmother's house in a town north of dallas and then i was going to fly out of a different airport, later that day. that's an ass of driving. especially when i don't live there anymore. so, she meant well. she just forgets that i am her smart child. (to the B's i am the GOOD child) ok, now i have directions and can get to the moon if i need to. as long as i can get there on highway 75.

finally we got everything settled and all parties headed of to sleepy land. because 5 am comes real damned early.

took Husband to the airport, cried, left, got lost, got found, got stuck in traffic, got stuck in traffic again, and finally got to my grandmother's house. while she and i were having a nice day, they came and told her that if she wanted her flu shot, she better get her booty on the bus in 10 minutes. so we got to ride the bus with the other elderly.... (i don't know how many times i said, "it's a 2 hour wait, they have our numbers, they won't run out, yes, you need to have your medicare card out," to the other passengers. thank goodness my Mimi has her wits.) that took about 3 hours. when we got back, we finally got to do some good visiting and then i was off to the airport again. totally uneventful flight... but i was headed back to SC. (bummer)

i got home at 10:30 pm and was exhausted. wonder why.

the end.

the point of no return

the whole drive we talked about him living in amarillo and what that's like... and we ate at his favorite mexican restaurant in G. it was so nice having him next to me. we left there and went to my friend A's house. with the 4 kids. and the hugging and the laughing and the tugging and the look at my truck/gi joe/room/train/lego/spongebob/power ranger/sandbox/trampoline/swingset/fort/slide ..... at one point, Husband asked A how she does it? she replied with the best motherly advice ever given,
"you start with the loudest one first and work your way down"
TADA, child-rearing, demystified.

so he held babies and didn't freak out. he held smaller children and didn't freak out. baby steps... baby steps....

so we left there, went to our room, took a nap and then got ready for dinner with other very close friends of the family, the B's.

(sidebar) the B's have a son, P, who is 2 1/2 years younger than me. it was through their son that i became part of the family. P and i decided that if neither of us was married by the time we I was 28, we would tie the knot. and were VERY serious about it. we never dated, but were sure we could make a great go at marriage. hell, i was already family. so, as you can see, i did NOT marry their son, but the B family welcomed Husband with open arms and even threw our wedding rehearsal dinner at their house after putting us up there all week, prior. so they are our family in every sense of the word.

dinner with them was fabulous. as always. P couldn't be there, but the youngest, M was there and she and Husband have a very special bond. they truly are brother and sister. the middle sister, C, lives in Cali, so it was a little far for her to come to dinner, although we were a small group, we had an uproarious time.

after leaving, we finally got some alone time. and we used it wisely. ;)

we had to get up the next morning to go to A's daughter's Pee-Wee football game, at which her oldest daughter, M was cheering. that was the cutest, funnest thing we have done in a long while. even Husband said, "if we don't have a son to play football, i don't mind being a CheerDad" how cute was that?

so we left there and had some lunch and decided to be total dorks and go see a movie. i know i know... we haven't seen each other in 6 weeks and we go see a movie. well, he doesn't want to go see movies by himself...and neither do i, so now that we were together, we can go see a movie together. shut up, it made sense to us. so we saw "forgotten". with julianne moore and the cute foreign guy. it wasn't a bad movie. it had some edge of your seat parts... and even some make you jump out of your skin parts. all in all it was a good movie. but i know you didn't come here to read movie reviews. you want the down and dirty about the conjugal visits. i know. well you AREN'T getting them. (my parents read this, not like they care, but i am going to use them as an excuse to NOT tell you about our horizontal mambo)

blah blah drove back to town, got ready for the reunion... Husband looked AWESOME. but, I.... yes, even I out-cuted him this time. partially because i bought his outfit, and knew ahead of time that i would out-cute him. we headed to A's for drinks. they looked just as awesome as we did. drink more wine... drink more beer. we even kicked it old school and had a Zima with a gummi worm in it. (another story for another time, but really funny if you can think in highschool drunk mentality) and we talked about who we would see there. we said that the hairiest guy in school would be bald, the boys we thought were too cute and preppy for us would be fat and ugly, and all the girls we hated would have married assholes and be miserable. laugh now... but just you wait.....

ate at chuy's and had more beers and drinks and food and the laughing and the nervous started to set in. now, since i moved away roughly 5 years ago.... i haven't seen some of these people in 5 years.... others, its been 10. sooooooo.... Cirque du Soleil has come to austin and they are performing in my stomach. yay. but i have to keep on a straight face, because my dumb ass dragged A to this thing. so i cant back out now. we get there and take a LONG time getting out of the car and going inside... and when we have reached the point of no return....

i just flew in from dallas....

and man are my arms tired. {rimshot}

yes. i am back.
yes. it was fabulous.
yes. i miss it already.
yes. i wanted to stuff myself in husband's bag and go back to amarillo with him.
yes. i wanted to have someone else pack up our house and send it to us.
yes. i'm sad.

i left thursday morning and for some reason we flew to CHICAGO to go to dallas. hmmmm.... that seemed unnecessary. but after being in airplanes and airports for 5 hours, i arrived safely and soundly in dallas. i go pick up my rental and someone thought it would be funny for me to fly a thousand miles.... to then drive the EXACT SAME CAR as my husband. where's my cute little sportscar? where's my red and fast and snappy? oh no.... here is a nice TAN ford TAURUS. have a nice day.

at least i already know how to work all the parts and pieces.
so it takes an hour to get from the airport to my grandmother's house. and i was almost to her door when she opens it up and gives me a HUGE hug. she said she could smell me coming. (is that bad? i know i had been traveling all day, but damn... i showered.) so we chat for a while. she is looking well. she is tethered to a giant oxygen machine, so we all have to make sure we don't step on her air hose, but other than that, she looks like my grandmother. my oldest cousin shows up and i am just amazed at how much of his life i have missed. it seems like i only get to see my cousins about once every 2 or 3 years. here is this kid whose diapers i changed.... and he is now old enough to DRINK. that's crazy. i still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. so them the tornado hits, the one that is commonly called, My Aunt and her Other 2 Sons. so i have 3 boy cousins. i am the only grand-daughter. (can we say spoiled?) now these boys are older than 18 as well. and i just look at them... and shake my head because they have become human type people. i still picture them as little boys. not no mo.

so we eat and talk and laugh and eat and then we all head back to my aunts house. i mean the Zoo. i hope i get this right. they have a Macaw named Big Bird. and when they first got the bird, the only thing it really knew how to say was, "Shut the FUCK Up". and i quickly realized why. i found myself thinking the very same thing multiple times throughout the night. they also have a parakeet named Lucy, an australian shepherd named Bandit 2, 3 cats, 2 rabbits, and iguana, and 4 tortoises? if i have remembered correctly. a fucking zoo. this woman has 3 boys between the ages of 21 and 18, and a house full of animals. i bet she spends a billion dollars on food a week. so.... that part of the visit was NOT boring at all. i got up the next morning and got directions that took 2 hours to get OUT OF DALLAS. holy fuck me. i gots places to be. people to do. namely my husband whose flight into austin was getting in at 1:35.

so i drive and drive and drive and drive.... and drive right through my hometown. which was odd in itself. and finally get to austin. and to the airport. and to the gate. and 20 minutes later, i get my husband. the love of my life i have not seen in 6 weeks. and oh my damn does he look good. i am surprised that he didn't have girls trailing after him. after we pry ourselves apart, we get his bags and we head back to my hometown.

(to be continued)

never a dull moment

ok, so we got a delivery the other day at the store that was packaged with the big fluffy air pillows. you know, the ones that come on a long roll, but are only about 6 inches wide. well i have to play with that kind of shit. i also cannot restrain my self when it comes to bubble wrap, either. (yes, i really am only 7) so i wrapped these air pillows around my waist, under my shirt, and started playing bumper cars at the store. (yes i was on the clock) i am serving drinks with my waist looking like santa claus. and bumping into stuff and laughing hysterically. at this time, the customers were mostly regulars, so they are used to my "mental disorder". i finally took the air pillows out and my boss and i started playing TugOfWar with it. then i accidentally popped one of my pillows. (DAMN!) it made a LOUD popping noise, too! and it came to me! i want to go work in a factory that makes those. and then on my last day, i want to eat a whole pot of beans, and FART into the air machine. so that if anyone pops the pillows made on my last day, they are in for a surprise! this idea caused me to hyperventilate, i was laughing so hard. my boss was shaking his head with that "i cant believe some of the shit that comes out of your mouth" on his face. and wiping away tears from laughing so hard. then the idea evolved, since bubble wrap is more frequently popped, and when you twist it it makes a farting noise, how perfect would THAT be? and authentic, too.

and then i thought i better put the air pillows down and get back to work, in case i got fired and then really was able to pursue a career in a bubble wrap factory. i'm sure it would be a GAS to work there. (har har)

8 days

8 days.
8 days.
it's only 8 days till i see my husband!

in 8 days i get to hug him, squeeze him, kiss him, touch him and look at him. i can breathe the same air, i can hold his hand, i can occupy the same space as him. i CANNOT wait. i just want to crawl into his skin. 8 DAYS!

i have missed him more in the past week, than i have any other time. partly because i have an independent streak as big as the mississippi river. and partly because i was pacing myself. no good doing all my missing when he first leaves. better to miss him TONS right before i get to see him, then i get the gratification sooner. or some shit.

fact is: i miss him, but only for 8 more days.

also, i have realized that i eat like a bachelor when he isn't here. m&m's for dinner are ok, right? macaroni and cheese for breakfast is fine, right? chicken pot pie and ramen are acceptable lunch foods, right? provided i even eat at all. i have lost 10 pounds since he has been gone. i have also managed to set aside nearly $300. i am saving my tip money instead of feeding the 2 of us. who knew we spent that much money on food? but i put the money to good use. i bought tickets to my 10 year high school reunion for myself, my husband, A, and her husband. aint i nice? i like to think so. at the same time, i just spent nearly $300 to go see people i haven't kept in touch with for 10 years. why do i have to pay cash-money to see people i forgot i hated? OOOOOOH, that's right... to laugh in their faces. DUR!

i'm very excited. and nervous. and skeptical. what if it's all dorks who go to this thing? and we have to hang out with the band fags all night? (no offense to anyone who was ever IN band, dated anyone in band, was friends with anyone in band or related to anyone in band. its just an expression)

so as i was saying, before i so rudely interrupted myself....
i am curious. that's a better word. yes, curious.

but i still get to see my husband in 8 days. i don't even need to take off my shoes to count that high!

yay!

things you didnt know.

ok, so my list of 101 things about me was cute and sappy.

here's a list of strange facts about me.
ready?

1. i DO NOT eat blue M&Ms... they arent normal. i even go so far as to SEPARATE them.
2. i am afraid of the dark.
3. i still have monsters living under my bed.
4. i go to sleep laying on my stomach, covered all the way up to my shoulders, except for my left foot sticking out.
5. i have mysophobia (fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs) i wash my hands a LOT.
6. i will not eat after i touch money. i HAVE to wash my hands first.
7. i hate to shake hands.
8. i have an irrational fear of icebergs, too.
9. i havent seen my natural hair color in 15 years.
10. my toenails are ALWAYS painted.
11. i hate halloween.
12. i once had 22 bottles of various bathing concoctions in my shower at one time.
13. i have never been on a horse. (odd for a girl from texas, huh?)
14. i have never done shots of jagermeister.
15. half of my (personal) wardrobe is men's clothing.
16. i am really kinda shy.
17. i met my husband online.
18. when eating ice cream from the container, it has to be level when i am done with it. same thing goes for dip.
19. i have to have a spoon in my coffee cup.
20. i sleep on the left side of the bed.
21. i once ate Play-Doh in order to hang out with some girls in my neighborhood.
22. the first time i saw spark plugs, i thought they were an alien homing device.
23. i couldnt watch gremlins all the way through. we had to leave the theatre.
24. i didnt learn how to ride a bike until i was 9.
25. i can't roller skate/ice skate/rollerblade.
26. i have been drinking coffee since i was 2.
27. i hate peas. i will pick them out of fried rice.
28. i am allergic to chicken. but not eggs.
29. i am allergic to my own state tree, and it's fruit.
30. i love all things spongy and squarepanted.
31. i had a cat named "shoes".
32. i was once "institutionalized"
33. i have a very high I.Q.
34. i rode Space Mountain 18 times in a row when i was 15.
35. i LOVE roller coasters.
36. i hate wax museums.
37. i once threatened to play "connect the dots" with the small moles and freckles on my husband's back.
38. i am ambidextrous.
39. i did not "walk" at my high school graduation. i was half a credit short.
40. i bought my truck before i learned how to drive a stick shift. the salesman had to drive me on my test drive.
41. i have worked in the coffee business for 9 years.
42. i had a turtle named "soup".
43. it bugs me a LOT when people let rain build up on their windshields before turning their wipers on.
44. we once filled a friends truckbed up with water and lounged around in it all day.
45. i make the best meatloaf, ever.
46. more than half of my friends are gay.
47. i eat the middle of the oreo first.
48. i have seen neil diamond in concert.
49. i have to potential to be an utter bitch.
50. i know all the lines in Princess Bride.
51. i still have my Paddington Bear from when i was 3.
52. i am the only granddaughter.
53. i am the sole responsibility of carrying on my husband's bloodline.
54. according to an online survey, my "faith" falls into the Neo-Pagan category.
55. i was told i was a Druid Priestess in a past life.
56. i am done with this list.

join me

i heard about this website [http://bzzagent.com/index.jsp] from a friend. it's a company that uses Word-of-Mouth advertising to market various products. i think it's an excellent idea and have signed up for several campaigns. but thats not the purpose of this post. the purpose is to tell you about one of the campaigns i just recently finished. i signed up for them to send me a book, free of charge. all i had to do was read it and then tell at least one person about it. i figured, why not tell all my bloggers about it. and whomever else stumbles upon this blog will know as well. i am reaching masses. masses, i say.

yeah yeah, so it's called Join Me. it's a true story about a guy who decides to "recruit" a hundred people to form a "collective, not a cult" he then didn't know what to do with the people once he gets them, so he decided to have them do good deeds on fridays. thus calling it: Good Friday. he travels all europe, spreading his ideas. it is absolutely hysterical some of the things this guy gets into.

so, i read it. i really enjoyed it. i do good deeds on a regular basis anyway, but i try to do extra on fridays now because of this book. you should check out the website too. [http://www.join-me.co.uk/]

if you want to read the book, email me and i will send you my copy. see... good deeds already and its only monday.

101

fine.

i have, once again, been suckered by my desire to be as cool as my friends. they have lists of 101 things about them. here's mine:

1. i am stupidly in love with my husband.
2. he loves me almost the same much.
3. only because i love him more.
4. we still celebrate our monthly anniversaries.
5. tomorrow will be 4 years and 2 months.
6. we have been married for 2 years and 2 months.
7. i am his second wife.
8. i am his last wife.
9. he is my only husband.
10. my parents are divorced.
11. they are still friends.
12. that makes me happy.
13. i have 3 siblings.
14. i have 2 half brothers, that makes a "whole" brother.
15. one of my brothers called me "shorty"
16. he's whiter than me.
17. but he's bigger.
18. and runs fast.
19. and plays football.
20. i am proud of him.
21. my other brother almost had his legs broken by me.
22. he wouldn't have been able to run fast.
23. then he couldn't go and do stupid stuff to make me want to break his legs.
24. i love him, in spite of the stupid stuff.
25. my sister is the oldest.
26. she is my step-sister.
27. my friends are like my family too.
28. i met half of my friends because of a book.
29. i also think it was fate that brought us together.
30. i believe in fate.
31. and destiny.
32. and a higher power.
33. i don't call it GOD.
34. i don't have to.
35. my mom said so.
36. i still sit in my mother's lap.
37. she still plays with my hair.
38. i can tell her anything.
39. even the bad stuff.
40. i am learning not to dwell on the bad stuff.
41. i believe bad stuff happens to good people.
42. i believe i am good people.
43. i believe in karma.
44. i believe in the awesome power of good kisses.
45. i believe in santa claus.
46. my birthday is close to christmas.
47. we call it christelmas.
48. because i am spoiled.
49. and i like it that way.
50. my dad got me flowers last year.
51. the card said "merry tistelmas"
52. he calls me tistel.
53. no one else is allowed to.
54. only 9 people on the planet are allowed to call me "chris"
55. let's keep it that way.
56. my name was almost Carisa.
57. it's a street in dallas.
58. my mom used to make out with a boy on that street.
59. they called it "necking"
60. the boy was not my father.
61. i was almost switched at birth.
62. i used to think i had been.
63. and that my REAL mother was a princess.
64. who lived in a castle.
65. and was going to come rescue me.
66. and i would live in a castle, too.
67. that never happened.
68. i did marry Prince Charming, though.
69. who knew his first name was Eddie?
70. there was no white horse.
71. still waiting for the castle, too.
72. but i consider myself a queen.
73. i think the rest of the world should, too.
74. things would go much smoother if they did.
75. when i rule the world, it will be illegal to be rude.
76. or mean.
77. or stupid.
78. i can't wait to rule the world.
79. i can't wait to be a mommie.
80. i think i will be a good one.
81. because i still enjoy being a child.
82. i love to make farting noises on people's stomachs.
83. i love that i have friends who let me make farting noises on their stomachs.
84. strangers do not let me make farting noises on their stomachs.
85. i have AWESOME friends.
86. i want to move to bora bora with all of my friends.
87. i want to learn how to play guitar.
88. and piano.
89. and cello.
90. i want to sing more.
91. i love to sing.
92. my favorite song is 'into the mystic'.
93. music has healing properties.
94. i have done a lot of healing.
95. i had a fucked up childhood.
96. i think i turned out ok.
97. i am stronger because of it.
98. and i learned how to ask for help.
99. i have friends who KNOW when i need help.
100. that is amazing.
101. and so am i.

world poker tour

one of my very best friends, Special K, threw a Poker Party last night. we were all required to bring a pair of sunglasses and beer. well, shit, I can do that! one small problem, i don't play poker. my husband is the poker player in this pineapple. (spongebob reference, for those of you living under rocks) so i call the husband to tell him that i am going to play poker, last night. he says, and i quote, "WHA?" i SAID, "i am going to play poker tonight." i could see the confused look on his face, THROUGH the phone. i then explained that i was just going to watch and drink beer. 2 things i can do really well. i might even provide commentary, because we all know I can't shut up.

so i get there and everyone is bullshitting and drinking beer... obviously they are psyching themselves up. it takes the boys a little bit to get the game organized... which chips for a quarter, which chips for a dollar, no we have more green ones than red ones, those should be the quarters..... highly DISORGANIZED. i bet the WSOP doesn't have that conversation. and they lay down the "poker" table on top of the dining room table. it was a nice green table, with drink holders and everything. the boys my husband play with have used the "rake" to buy a nice fancy one that they move the dining room table out of the way to play. they have purchased vegas chips and get pretty serious. its 40 bucks just to sit your booty in the chair.
so the boys, excuse me, men... get down to bidness. that leaves, me, heather, justin, and special K to watch. justin and K grab 2 stools and drag them over to the game to do commentary. they start using their pseudo hushed golf voices. "and lance has big slick and here comes the flop, OH, that won't help him at all...." we got bored with that and since justin and i don't know how/want to play poker, we bust out UNO! that's right ladies and gentleman. UNO. the fast paced game of strategy, skill, and thwarting your opponents. now, the last time we played UNO, it was at the lake. and we played MY VERSION: drUnkEn UnO. the one where if you draw two, you drink two..... you get skipped, you gotta sip, throw a wild, drink it, child. yes, even I can make a drinking game out of something so harmless as UNO. but we played the regular way, last night. and UNO will tell you who your real friends are. if your friend skips you 6 times, you might want to re-evaluate things. you might want to reconsider them for the christmas card list. while we were playing UNO, some more people showed up, the pizza showed up and the poker game was still going strong. we started placing bets on who was going to stand up in outrage and get pissed off at their buddy, who was going to tell them to shut up and who was going to make a joke out of the whole thing. it was hard to take these boys seriously, since one of them was wearing a pair of Jimmy Neutron sunglasses. K went to Big Lots and purchased fun glasses for those amateurs who forgot to bring theirs. she even bought diving goggles, which justin wore during the powerful game of UNO, until they started to fog up.

so heather won UNO and she, K, eileen, and her husband went to go start their own poker game. that left me. and justin. well, we knew how to improvise. we decided to learn how to play Skip-Bo. neither of us had ever played, so it was truly an adventure. we opened he box and found not one deck of cards, but three. oh jeebus, this was going to be involved. we counted the cards, 162 total and began to read the instructions. we were each dealt 30! cards. that is called our "stock" pile. then there will be the rest of the deck, that is called the "draw" pile. then we have 4 piles in front of us called the "discard" pile. there are 18 skip-bo cards also known as "wild cards" i looked at justin and said, "wild cards??? have we been immunized?" he raised his beer, we clink and drink, and thus became "immunized" we were ready! we had also taken a blue, a white, and a black chip and set them by our "stock piles" see, we were playing with poker chips too. now the counter where we were playing had now become the "Skip-Bo Arena". we checked the diagram of all the piles, using a screwdriver as a pointer, to help point out the exact location of the cards that will be played in the Arena. we shook hands and began. it was slow going at first. because there was so much strategy involved. you have to make 4 piles in the middle of the Arena starting with 1 and consecutively increasing to 12. once all of the piles reach 12, you shuffle them in with the "draw" pile and continue playing. the first person to use up all of their cards in their "stock" pile, wins. difficult, no? i thought justin was cheating since he kept running out of cards. kinda like when my grandfather use to play scrabble with us and would say, "i don't have anymore room for my tiles", and he would have 10 tiles. but i digress... the game lasted almost an hour. the guys over at the poker table kept making fun of us by calling out, "SKIP-BO!" see, they were jealous. they had to play stupid, ole poker and here we were playing the rousing game of Skip-Bo. nanny nanny boo boo.
as the "stock" piles are dwindling, we start throwing in our chips. i checked him when i had double trip 8's. a great hand by any standard! he then called me when he ended up with 5 12's. i think double trip 8's beats quintuple 12's ANY day. so, the game is progressing. him, still cheating. but i cant prove it. i am sure of it. he had that look in his eye and the eyebrow that twitched when he uncovered another card from his "stock" pile. finally i am All-In. and we both have 2 cards left in our "stock" pile. he throws an 11, flips over his last card... and it was a 12. DAMMIT! just when i thought i had him cornered. i still maintain that he was cheating. he must have looked at my cards, when he stepped away from the arena to get another beer. to justin i demand a REMATCH! i will defeat you, you Skip-Bo cheater, you!

after the game was finished, we shook hands and watched the others playing poker. K's friend Lance wasn't doing so well at his poker game, so i turned his hat inside out as a rally cap. he began to turn his luck around. until jeremy knocked the hat off his head, and then it was tainted and ruined the rally. spoil sport.

i started to get tired, since i have been sick this past week and it was well past my bedtime. i came home and went to sleep. i had super fun. and i will triumph at Skip-Bo next time! you hear me, Justin Cheater Pants?