demands

according to my beloved and adoring fans, i have been DEMANDED to update.


ok so its been over a week since last i regaled to you the funny i spew, or recount the stupidity that abounds, or report the idiocy i encounter.




needless to say, i SURE did pinch myveryown TONGUE in my wedding rings.
















let that sink in.






















i, Christel CoffeeGoddess Rockstar.... pinched my own FUCKING tongue in my wedding rings.

you guys thought i was kidding about that straight jacket.

wanna know HOW i did it? (and if this doesnt SCREAM Jenny Craig, i dont know what does)


sunday, the Cutest Husband in the ENtire world and i were hanging out, watching the game (Reds game, DUR!) and i had made sandwiches for lunch. to accompany our sandwiches were CHEETOS. (can i get a YUM YUM?)
and as all humans know, cheetos are messy. and somehow i got some of the cheese powder on the palm of my left hand, kinda near my ring finger.

i know, you can see it coming...

so, as i as was trying to lick off the cheesy goodness, i got the tip of my tongue caught in between the rings.





i swear you CAN'T make this shit up.




i let out an audible "ow!" and ever so sheepishly i told H what had happened. he shook his head and said,

"sometimes, Babe, you just gotta let the last chips go...."


my husband, the Zen Master.
me, the fucking gotard.

*runs with scissors

i have been in need of adult supervision for the past 2 days.
seriously.

the other night when i was at Wal*Mart, i was on the phone with Lynn, and we were cutting up and being so goofy, that i was THAT GIRL at the store. i was the loud girl on the phone doing the "i'm making a spectacle of myself" laugh. i laughed so hard, that i choked. yeah. i'm an idiot. but not only were the men with the "white coats" following me... i had no business being in a retail establishment.

wanna know what i bought?

• cat litter
• giant bag of cat food
• 6 pack of shiner bock
• 6 pack of shiner bock
• roasted garlic triscuits
• american squirt cheese

yeah. i bought 2 sixers. LIKE I NEEDED THEM!!!! and honestly, when is the last time you ate SQUIRT CHEESE????? i must have gargled with Bong Water during the day.

and THEN, i deposited money in the ATM, and left my stupid card IN the machine. please, someone come put mittens on me, i might scratch myself.

jeebus.

so yesterday, i was shadowing a girl doing an activation, and when she was done, she got up to take a smoke break. it wasnt until i was HALFWAY down the hall headed to the back door with her, that i REMEMBERED THAT I DON'T SMOKE ANYMORE!!!!!

i think my brains have fallen out. i need restraints. so if my next post looks like this:

sadio8u vnoqi 93085{:_pJVOI35. JO09 9238 5R -POKI DMP! A9973Rnsd fivu37pa;lk aoksfjdoi43 98 aksjdf9j4 ajs98 ghtn;kj na9gf jasdij9g4ngnb 9s ;flkn945 897ahjf glkjrtn alkud8907yt. ao;sidfj89498hj0a8u'asdjf8ie. sndoiuvh845bnva;oijdfo8iu8gha;lksdj1!!!

don't be alarmed, its just really hard to type with a straight-jacket on.

freaking moo.

GIANT SHOULDERS

apparently, the responsibility to get the Blog Ball rolling, is all my hands today.

my darling number girls have not updated in a LOOOOONG while. oh yeah, i haven't either... but anyway. look over there its elvis!


so, hopefully, once they read the witty shit I will spew forth, they will be JUST as inspired to follow suit. and then i wont be let down tonight when i get off WORK, and will have something to read. i am like a blog voyeur. i like knowing what's going on in other peoples lives... and i actually have like 13 i check everyday. i might link to all of them someday, but for now, they are all mine.

but so yeah.... i said WORK. as in a JOB. as in EMPLOYMENT... as in THESE PEOPLE ARE REALLY PAYING ME TO BE THIS CUTE?

i started yesterday... and i am in orientation HELL. 7th circle. but really, its not that bad. its stuff i kinda know anyway... so its a breeze... a long non-wrist rest for my mouse, bad chair, weird angled computer, super shitty coffee, and oh my GAWD can we turn the air down breeze.



look at me bitching, and its not even my third day. tee hee.



so, my weekend was great. lots of quality time the Husband. have i mentioned lately how FUCKING HOTT!!! he is? cause, damn honey, he sho is. even on sunday when i bribed him to go get fried chicken, did he look scrumptious. in what could have been pajamas.... and flip flops. he's lucky he waved the chicken in front of my face first.... otherwise he might have had to explain the bite marks. i love that boy. (yes, you honey)


so. i have blogged. and i now have to get dressed for WORK. look! i said it again.

oh yeah, next time, remind me to take a sweater.


MOO Y'ALL!

SAVE FERRIS

i have become very aware of vocabulary and words and imagery lately. i mean sure, in our house, we like to use BIG words in regular sentences. but its the imagery that gets me.

we even ask our kittygirls if the "need assistance" instead of "help" and i am also the girl of "patella" fame.

so, its not like we are subscribing to the 10 Days to Better Vocabulary workshop, BUT... we have decided that we need to incorporate new words.

take yesterday for example:
chatting online with ang... and we are joking about tattoos. and inevitably, we turn into 14 year old girls. and i thought it would be funny if a guy got a tattoo bannered across his pubic bone that declared: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE GETTING HERPES. and then ang added, "a SCORCHING case of herpes". a la Ferris Beuller's Day Off. so, its not enough that she went into the Way Back Machine and brought out a FB reference, but the word SCORCHING was perfect. and i made a vow, to start using the word SCORCHING more. not like a scorching case of herpes, but as in a SCORCHING desire to do naughty things to my husband. see how much more vivid that was? i LOVE it. so, yeah, SCORCHING is my new word. you should try it too.

along those same lines, i was watching Will and Grace (like we do every night, Pinky) and Will asked Grace if she had been "gargling with bong water" now, THAT, my friends is hysterical. so, i have added that to my repertoire. don't be surprised if i use it on you in the weirdest of cases. i'm known for creating a situation, JUST to use something i heard. like Himalayan Whistle Kids. i will work THAT into every story if i can.

which brings us to today. i got a link off my very good friend, J's site. it was all about old McDonald's ads and how BAD they were. here is the one that spurred today's post:

A woman answers her door and meets her blind date, Larry.
WOMAN: Hi, you must be--

LARRY: Look, before you develop a whole big list of expectations from me, let me just spell out how it is. This is what I wear, nothing imported, that's fine! Because I'm not a professional male model. I'm also not a doctor, not a lawyer, not a banker, not a CPA. I am a salesperson at a record store. Therefore, if you want to go out with me, we will not be going to any restaurant which refers to itself as a "bistro," a "casa," a "maison." We will be going to McDonald's. Afterwards, we'll catch a movie, not a play, not the opera, not the symphony, not the ballet; it'll be me, McDonald's, movie... think it over, I'll be out in my car. My plain old, just "fine" car.

After this amazing tirade, LARRY turns and walks away.

WOMAN: Larry? McDonald's and a movie . . . sounds great!

"Happy" music punctuates the moment as they walk to his car.

LARRY: Well, just so you know, it's just a date! Not a commitment, not a proposal . . . just a date.
I'll tell ya: I wait in line for Star Wars movies, and even I can find fifty ways that no real-life date ever went like this. Even knowing that McDonald's commercials take place in a universe where no other food is available, there has to be more going on in order for this ad to make sense. Some of my leading theories:

1. Remember in Super Size Me where it turned out that all the Big Macs were depressing Morgan's sex drive?
Apparently our pal Larry eats so many Happy Meals he's developed a negative libido, which means he actively tries not to get laid.

2. The woman's vagina is crawling with scorpions.

3. The state she lives in has a 1:4000 male-female ratio.

4. She's actually 80 years old and the youth potion will wear off in one week.

5. Her dad was not only one of those evil "You have to earn my love" fucks, he had a giant score chart on the living room wall.

6. The only truly plausible theory, "all of the above."






vagina is crawling with scorpions! i was in tears. how can you NOT love that? i stopped reading that site and immediately came here to share that beautiful image with you. if nothing else, im a giver.

poor girl, i bet it feels exactly like a SCORCHING CASE of HERPES?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

HAPPIEST

of

BIRTHDAYS

my Sweet Love.

my Prince Charming.

my Dumb Boy.

here's to 30!

MAY IT ROCK!!!

i love you.

~christel

Grande Iced Caramel Mocha

i have been in the coffee business for almost 10 years. the last 5 were spent in Greenville, South Carolina. i worked for 2 different coffeehouses and made some incredible friends with the employees, and more importantly, some of our customers.

we had this one guy, who would get OUT of his car to pay for his order because his driver's side window was broken and wouldn't roll down. somehow this action, made him paying for his coffees and interacting with all of us, a little bit more personal. even after he got a new car, he would STILL get out to pay for his drinks. and over time, he evolved from "2 Grande Iced Mochas" to "Kevin" and later, to me, he was "Kevvy Kev" you may remember him from the Shoe Store Story.
anyway, he and i became fast friends and even would flirt harmlessly on some days. he was a sucker for long hair and would always try to grab me out of the window by my hair. he was devastated when i whacked off 14 inches for Locks of Love. i don't think he ever really forgave me for that.

i'd met his wife and son and on more than one occasion, his wife and i would trade bath salt recipes or homemade facial scrubs etc. they were more than customers, they became "friends" as well.

and when i left the drive thru, he and his family, followed me to the Roasters. and we maintained our friendship for another 2 years.

and we would joke about whose team was better, what with him being an OU fan, and myself as a UT fan. we even planned on getting our picture taken with each of us wearing our respective collegiate shit. i even bought a really tight fitting HOOK EM HORNS shirt for the occasion.

but i wont ever get that photo opportunity.

i got an email from a friend today informing me that Kevvy Kev died in a car accident recently. and by recently, i mean APRIL 23rd. it took over a month for anyone to tell me.

i called the old boss to ask if he knew, and he said HE just found out a week ago.

so, to my very dear friend Kevin, i know you are in a better place. and i feel wonderful knowing that you can always watch out for me. you will be missed very much.


and oh yeah,

m-o-n-d-a-y

yeah, i got nothing today, but i knew i better come up with something before the natives got restless.


let's see... well, this weekend Husband and i did a WHOLLOTTA jackshit. i mean really, we slept in, we stayed up late, we hardly even cooked ourselves food. we played games and laughed and watched baseball and he took care of me and my weird tweaked shoulder. yeah, i dont know how i did it, either, so don't ask.

ummmm.... i hope to start my job in a week. i got my "offer letter" this morning at 10 am. doorbell woke me out of a dead sleep.... and then i couldnt get back to sleep. so here i am.

with not much to blog about. i know SOMETHING funny happened this weekend.. i just cant remember it right now. DAMMIT.


well, i wont bore you all further with me trying to come up with a blog... and ending up making a list of things to do today... so, i will see you kids tomorrow.

moo y'all.

GOOD NEWS!

well, i just got off the phone with the woman who OFFERED me the JOB!


the interview went great yesterday, and i felt really confident (oh yeah i looked terrific, too DUH!). until i got home and realized that "Hello, christel, this job WAS online for people WAY more experienced than you to see and apply for!!!!" and i started to freak a little. of course i freaked while i was chatting with Allie, who told me to cut that shit out. yay for Allie.

so calmed down... but still did a little freaking this morning. and basically figured i didn't get it. so i continued my job hunt.


but no need for that now.

i am going to sell wireless phone service again. yeah, i know. its not coffee, but it will afford me the ability to set aside my bonuses for my ROASTER, sooner. and THAT'S what's important.


so, yay me. gainfully employed once more. an active contributor to society. an upstanding member of the working world. (i couldn't type the last one without laughing)

don't get me wrong, i really DIG being a housewife. hell, i have been like Holly Home-Maker on CRACK. i have been a cooking-baking fool. and H totally DIGS that too. but i need to get out of this house, before i start baking with cat food.


so, thanks for all the JUJU, kids. it worked!

snagged from Se7en

i saw this on Se7en's blog, and pinched it.

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: Van Morrison

Describe yourself:

Are you male or female: Brown Eyed GIRL

How do some people feel about you: Freaky If You Got This Far

How do you feel about yourself: These Are The Days

Describe your ex lover: It's All Over Now Baby Blue

Describe your current lover: Perfect Fit

Describe where you want to be: A Dweller On The Threshold

Describe what you want to be: Mighty Like A Rose

Describe how you live: (with) A Sense of Wonder

Describe how you love: The Way Young Lovers Do

Share a few words of wisdom: (and together we will float) Into the Mystic

Sea captains don't like crew cuts (edited)

according to my growing hit counter, it appears that My FOLLOWING, desires posts faster than i can dole them out.

so, to the 6 or so people from AMARILLO that check RELIGIOUSLY, DAILY, almost HOURLY, i give a hearty WASSUP?!?!?! how bout those tornadoes yesterday, huh? good thing neither H or i were out in it, right?
that may explain all the hits i got from this part of the country... everyone was worried about me and the welfare of my family. thanks, you guys. now if only you locals would leave me some comments, i could meet my neighbors.



so here is just some bullshit post to keep the hungry wolves at bay.
there may not be any flow, or funny, but here i am ... with the writing.

i am going for a job interview today, since i QUIT my last job. yeah yeah i know, i didn't tell anyone because i really didn't like the job anyway... so it wasn't a big loss. but i went to work on monday and things were fine. i went tuesday and they started to get bad because the boss was coming back into town. went in wednesday and left in tears. went in thursday and left EARLY, sobbing. in short, she was mean to me. so H held me while i cried like a little girl and then sat me up, looked me in my eyes and said, "then don't go back"

so i didn't.

and i haven't.

so now i have an interview today. cross what you got that can be crossed and i will tell you how it goes later.

******************************

Husband's 30th birthday is coming up. i keep joking about it being his 40th, and he then proceeds to burn holes into me with his lasers that pop from out of his eyebrows and grow 10 feet taller and he makes this weird whirring noise..... i never knew he could do that!

i married a FUCKING Go-Bot!

so anyway, with the fact that Ang turned 30 this year, and H is about to, and so is Lola, i guess that means i better start getting used to the idea.

nah, screw that, i will just run away.

******************************

i still cant believe that i didn't make it to ATLANTA for last weekend's festivities. and NOW they are all taking there own sweet time posting about it. i mean, its not like i didn't TALK to them... (well yelled, and laughed, it WAS a Drunk N Dial) but i need MORE details. those bitches swore they wouldn't have ANY fun without me, and i am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that they went ahead and did anyway. i bet they ate great food and drank lots for adult beverages, and tormented walgreen's employees at all hours of the day and night.

mean ole Numbers.

******************************

and finally, ALLIE'S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!!!! (she is going to be upset that this is LAST, but the way i see it, if it had been first, then some people may have forgotten it and would not have shopped accordingly, so now that it's at the bottom, it will stay FRESH in their minds when they take on their days.)

our little ALLIE PANTS is going to be 35. which blows me away considering the fact she doesn't look a day older than 21. no really, she's HOT!

so, please go to your local lip gloss proprietor and buy as much as you can in honor of ALLIE's birthday, tomorrow!!!


no really, i mean it.