SAVE FERRIS

i have become very aware of vocabulary and words and imagery lately. i mean sure, in our house, we like to use BIG words in regular sentences. but its the imagery that gets me.

we even ask our kittygirls if the "need assistance" instead of "help" and i am also the girl of "patella" fame.

so, its not like we are subscribing to the 10 Days to Better Vocabulary workshop, BUT... we have decided that we need to incorporate new words.

take yesterday for example:
chatting online with ang... and we are joking about tattoos. and inevitably, we turn into 14 year old girls. and i thought it would be funny if a guy got a tattoo bannered across his pubic bone that declared: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE GETTING HERPES. and then ang added, "a SCORCHING case of herpes". a la Ferris Beuller's Day Off. so, its not enough that she went into the Way Back Machine and brought out a FB reference, but the word SCORCHING was perfect. and i made a vow, to start using the word SCORCHING more. not like a scorching case of herpes, but as in a SCORCHING desire to do naughty things to my husband. see how much more vivid that was? i LOVE it. so, yeah, SCORCHING is my new word. you should try it too.

along those same lines, i was watching Will and Grace (like we do every night, Pinky) and Will asked Grace if she had been "gargling with bong water" now, THAT, my friends is hysterical. so, i have added that to my repertoire. don't be surprised if i use it on you in the weirdest of cases. i'm known for creating a situation, JUST to use something i heard. like Himalayan Whistle Kids. i will work THAT into every story if i can.

which brings us to today. i got a link off my very good friend, J's site. it was all about old McDonald's ads and how BAD they were. here is the one that spurred today's post:

A woman answers her door and meets her blind date, Larry.
WOMAN: Hi, you must be--

LARRY: Look, before you develop a whole big list of expectations from me, let me just spell out how it is. This is what I wear, nothing imported, that's fine! Because I'm not a professional male model. I'm also not a doctor, not a lawyer, not a banker, not a CPA. I am a salesperson at a record store. Therefore, if you want to go out with me, we will not be going to any restaurant which refers to itself as a "bistro," a "casa," a "maison." We will be going to McDonald's. Afterwards, we'll catch a movie, not a play, not the opera, not the symphony, not the ballet; it'll be me, McDonald's, movie... think it over, I'll be out in my car. My plain old, just "fine" car.

After this amazing tirade, LARRY turns and walks away.

WOMAN: Larry? McDonald's and a movie . . . sounds great!

"Happy" music punctuates the moment as they walk to his car.

LARRY: Well, just so you know, it's just a date! Not a commitment, not a proposal . . . just a date.
I'll tell ya: I wait in line for Star Wars movies, and even I can find fifty ways that no real-life date ever went like this. Even knowing that McDonald's commercials take place in a universe where no other food is available, there has to be more going on in order for this ad to make sense. Some of my leading theories:

1. Remember in Super Size Me where it turned out that all the Big Macs were depressing Morgan's sex drive?
Apparently our pal Larry eats so many Happy Meals he's developed a negative libido, which means he actively tries not to get laid.

2. The woman's vagina is crawling with scorpions.

3. The state she lives in has a 1:4000 male-female ratio.

4. She's actually 80 years old and the youth potion will wear off in one week.

5. Her dad was not only one of those evil "You have to earn my love" fucks, he had a giant score chart on the living room wall.

6. The only truly plausible theory, "all of the above."






vagina is crawling with scorpions! i was in tears. how can you NOT love that? i stopped reading that site and immediately came here to share that beautiful image with you. if nothing else, im a giver.

poor girl, i bet it feels exactly like a SCORCHING CASE of HERPES?