what was supposed to be yesterday's post

when i was leaving my house yesterday, i put on my coat, scarf, and gloves and headed out the door. while driving to work, i made the observation that i was a vision of fashion. i was wearing:

• my brand new spongebob shirt with KRUSTY KREW emblazoned across it, with SB, Patrick, SquidWard, and Mr. Krabs in a row.
• my favorite gay boyfriend's well-worn jeans, which means it looks like my crotch is 4 inches lower than it really is. (its a mating technique)
• black and lavender Argyle Happy Bunny socks, which say, "its cute how you think i am listening"
• my #3 hat (aka my favorite hat)
• dark brown corduroy birks
• my charcoal peacoat
• a greyish purpleish scarf i knitted, with fringe
• and leopard print gloves

i looked like a fucking bag lady. but despite my apparent lack of fashion sense, i am ROCKIN it! i even remarked how "DEAD SEXY" i looked. yeah, i know, you all wanna do me. (its the pants, i'm tellin ya)

so i get to work with the Boss today and the majority of our customers call us "The A - Team"

well, yeah! we work so well together and can pick on the customers in such a way that they even leave smiling. dumbasses.

then this man comes in. and informs us that he ran out of coffee this morning and was "forced in". he was FORCED to come to our store and get coffee. fuck going to the STORE and buying more coffee to make, yourownself. but FORCED to come in and buy our coffee. i think we have a new breed of terrorism, here folks. so, of course, after the schmo left, (with plenty of ribbing from us) we started making fun of him. Boss grabbed my arm and said, " You are going to go get coffee, dammit. i don't care whether you like i t or not, you're going!" and at this point i start screaming, "i don't wannaaaaaaa..... you cant make me!" all while doing the 3-year old temper tantrum foot-stomp march and dropping my butt to the ground so he has to drag me. "oh, you're going. you WILL go into that coffeehouse and buy their coffee," "i don't wannaaaaaaaaaaaa"

and laughing hysterically at the same time. see, this is the shit i get to do at work. jealous? yeah, i thought so.

at this point, we have worked a pretty big craving for bacon. and not just any bacon, but Mabel's bacon. (bacon is code for : why aren't you back from Mabel's yet?)

ahhh, Mabel. where do i even begin? there is this gas station about a mile from the shop and in said station, half of it has been turned into a restaurant, of sorts. it's a good-ole-boy eating hole. now, get this, the sign out front says,

Mabel's New York Style Deli

Served the Way WE Want You To Have It.

i think that's what she means by NY. it's the pushiness in the advertisement. anyway, i called in my order so i expected it to be somewhat ready when i got there. ummm... nuh-uh. i walk in and it smells like they are just piping cigarette smoke from the vents. it's bad. and there are about 6 people in the "dining room" and Mabel prolly knows all of their names. so, since i have time to wait, i am going to take in my surroundings. inside the "convenience store" they have the requisite coolers stocked with beer and sodas. they have some of that just run out and grab it, shit, which means cat food, condoms, motor oil. but on the shelf above all of that, are 3 crockpots. one has grits. one has chili. and one has country gravy. (welcome to the south) also they do not have any of the major brand chips. your chip selection is brought to you today by golden flake. uhhh... ok. and then the array of zingers, ho-hos, twinkies, candy, etc. beyond the candy display, is a slushee machine. but this one pumps out just shaved ice and you add your flavors. how interactive. but the syrups still have that 1970's flair on the label, which leads me to believe that they ARE from the 70's. stay away from the slushee. on a quarter turn, i have now faced the menu. in my observations of living in the south, i find that EVERYONE has ownership issues. they have to make EVERYTHING plural, into a possessive. example:

Hot Wing's only .39 on Friday's

or in Mabel's case,

• egg's and biscuit's
• pancake's
• hamburger's

you get the idea. along with that, you can also get a tomatoe sandwitch. now don't get me wrong. i adore the food. if i'm gonna die from a heart attack, i want it to be from one of Mabel's BLTs. i swear. this woman uses thick SLABS of bacon and lots of it. there isn't this chain restaurant 2 slice rule. no ma'am... damn near a 1/4 pound of bacon. and it will only cost you $2.00. no lie. you can get one of the hamburger's for $2.30. or one of the cheeseburger's for $2.50. french toast for $1.75 and bacon's, egg's, and cheese's on one of her ho-made biscuit's for $1.85. and the biscuit's are as big as a cat's (proper usage) head! i love me some Mabel's.

did i mention that Mabel is pushing 70? and calls everyone some form of pet name. i was honey-chile yesterday. so, we ate Mabel's and continued on with our day. until... the crazy man came in. this man called me a few days ago rambling about the goodness of coffeegrounds on plants (like i didn't know that) and would i be willing to save out spent grounds? why certainly. as long as you call us the DAY you want them, and let us know what time you will be coming to pick them up. i don't want to have nasty old grounds sitting around the store waiting for some man to pick them up. so he agreed. (and part of me knew this would HACK the boss off. he hates doing little shit like this... but since i am leaving, i have left him with the crazy coffeeground man...oh how i love being evil) but i didn't know to what extent this man's crazy went. he comes in after lunch time and explains to me who he is and then starts telling me about his fucking azaleas again. yeah, i heard. and to top it off, he slightly deaf. so he corners the Boss and another one of our regulars and starts telling stories about his son and some coffeehouse he owns in Cleveland and have you seen taxi driver, and that church in the movie is right across the street and its a one way street and he will be here next week and he will bring him in to meet the Boss and how coffeegrounds are good for azaleas and could you speak up, i don't hear so well, and it sucks being old and what happens when an old man shakes his dick too much? dust comes out. and there isn't an adult bookstore in town and on and on and on.....

meanwhile, i am laughin to myself thinking the Boss is going to have to put up with this all throughout azalea season and i will be gone gone gone by then. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. the man was there for over an hour. tee hee.

after the CCGM (crazy coffee grounds man) leaves, its only a little while before we get to leave. YAY. the Boys from BMW came in (like they do EVERY DAY, pinky) and we got to be silly with them. the rest of the time was not so eventful. i left and went to the hobby store and bought yarn for some projects and was still shaping how this post was going to come together and that's when the "Door Incident" happened.

are we all up to speed now? i still maintain how Dead Sexy i was through it all.

body by Mabel, clothes by Nickelodeon. yeah, baby.