new baby brother

i have a new baby brother.

well, ok so he's not *new*, but our relationship with one another is new.

when i was about 4 1/2, my parents split up. and i didn't see my father much. then i didn't see him at all. and then when i was about 12 or 13, he came back into my life. and he had remarried and had a son, named Ian. Ian is roughly 6 months older than Z, who lives with me. (i love telling people i have 2 brothers that are 6 months apart, it freaks them out)

at this time, Ian was about 3 or 4 and didn't really remember that visit. then about 7 years later, my father and i reunited. this time, i initiated it. i said some things that 14 year old girls are wont to do and told him to stay out of my life. right before i turned 21, i realized that this man i had almost hated for so many years, had half the answers to some of my questions. i had grown up hearing my mom's side of all the stories, i wanted the other half.

so, my father came to spend the weekend with me and we sat in a park and talked. and talked. and talked some more. and then he left. and we tried to sustain a relationship as father and daughter, but it was really hard. and everytime i was in dallas, i would go by his house and see him. and see how quickly this little brother of mine was growing. and it was always a weird dance for all of us. here is this girl, who is supposed to be daughter and sister, but we didn't know how to act around each other. and of course, Ian was like, "i have a sister, the end" we hardly knew anything about each other.

after several visits between my father and i, we finally realized that we didn't have to act like a father and a daughter. (by this time, my mother has remarried to a man i consider to be my Dad) and we started over as friends. friends who share hundreds of years together.

Ian has grown up and not really gotten to experience anything with me, because my father and i were so busy working on us, that we left him out of the loop. yes, i sent presents and called him on his birthday and holidays, but we really had nothing to give to each other, we were more like step-siblings.

until, my father came to visit right before my husband left for amarillo, and while H was driving across country to set out on a brand new life and adventure for us, my father was here to help me through that. since his recent divorce, he has found a man that i never knew existed. i don't even think he knew he existed. but this new man, is one i like. he listens, he talks, he feels. that's the most important part. he feels. and while we were exploring all the new facets of this new person, we were talking about Ian, too. one day, we spent 7 hours in a sports bar talking and watching football games. we got serious, we got silly, we got sad. and he was telling me about how proud of me and Ian he was and that Ian really needs his sister. and he then told me that "Ian loves you, you know?" and i asked "why?" why does this kid, who is supposed to love me (on paper), this kid i hardly know, love me? and my father said, "why don't you ask him" that was one of the most profound moments in my life.

so i did. not in so many words, but i took the first step. i emailed him and he actually wrote me back. and then it went on from there. and one night we happened to be online at the same time and chatted for hours. and then the next day i got a huge email from him. asking for my help. this kid was so lost in his life, that the only one he could turn to was me. he put it all out on the table. he trusted me with his fears and worries and pain. and i wrote him back. and i tried to help him understand some of the things going on in his life. and how, i have seen a different side of our father... and in time, he will get to know him too.

and this boy has slowly become my BROTHER. and i am so proud of him. and love him as deeply as i do the one who is in the next room, sleeping soundly. i love my baby brothers. both of them.