side order of stupid

people are dumb. like, a lot. and in mass quantities. and they come to the coffeehouse where i work.

why? did i do something bad in a past life? is there some giant cosmic joke of which i am the punchline? or perhaps there is a sign on my forehead that says, "ask me dumb shit." if so, then i need to cut myself some bangs. pronto.

here are some of the dumb things i have heard while working in a coffeehouse:

• what does the mango smoothie taste like? (toenails, now will you be having a large one of those?
• do you guys have coffee? (nope, we just call ourselves a coffeehouse because it's better than calling ourselves a hospital)
• can i get a cappuccino, with no foam? (can i also get you a cheeseburger, without cheese?)
• i need a white hot chocolate to wake me up. (right, because there is SO much caffeine in butterfat)
• can i get a skinny breve? (first off, skinny is skim milk, secondly, a breve is made with half-and-half. let's think about that for a second.)
• {while staring at the bagel case} do you have bagels? (nope, just these unglazed do-nuts.)
• i'll take a coffee. (right, and which one of the 4 sizes and 97 different varieties would you like, there chuckles?)
• can i get a chocolate mocha? (definition of mocha: A hot coffee-and-chocolate beverage. hmmm... good thing you specified)
• is there a difference between 'iced' and 'frozen'? (nope, just wanted to fuck with you a little bit more, sparky.)

in regards to our Roaster:

• do you guys roast coffee? (nope, we call ourselves a roaster as a gimmick. kinda like KFC saying they sell chicken.)
• is this a roaster? (nope, its our alien escape pod. or my new favorite, its a really big rock tumbler.)
• is this a real working machine? (no, we spent $20,000 on a machine to sit in the middle of our floor and we just go buy our coffee from Sam's)
• is this a grinder? (have you EVER seen a grinder this big? especially in a place that calls themselves a COFFEE ROASTER!)
• oh, the beans aren't brown to begin with? (yep, they fall off the tree ready to be ground)
• {we have to cool the coffee down once its roasted to stop the heating process and to do so, the beans spin around in a cooling tray} they just spin 'em around like that because it looks cool? (right. if you are stupid and don't know what you are talking about, SHUT UP!)

i also work at a friends coffee kiosk in an airport and they are just as stupid there, too.

• do you have beer? (what part of JAVA implies beer?)
• do you have food? (nope, we just have that plastic ham sandwich in the cooler and those aren't really potato chips, they are IQ reduction wafers.)
• (we have a sign posted IN the cooler with the prices of the various drinks, so when they check out, we cant get away with charging $76 for a cup of coffee, because some asshole looked at me wrong) $2.00 for WATER?!?!?!? you have to be kidding me! (and they say this as they are fumbling through their wallets and handing me the money) don't bitch and then pay. this makes you look stupid and it makes me want to slap you for whining.

so, next time you go to a coffeehouse, may i suggest that you READ the menu BEFORE opening your mouth. and if you see a large machine doing something that you haven't ever seen before, be humble and ask what it does, instead of assume, and then i won't have to write about you being an assmonkey. or if you are at the airport, realize that they will charge you like you are at Disneyland, a concert, or some sporting event. it's a little thing we like to call: CAPTIVE AUDIENCE. learn it, live it, love it.