sleep well, little man.

today is the day.

simon avery, kitten boy had a total of 13 seizures yesterday, that i was able to witness. that can't be good. it isn't good. and it is hurting him more than i am allowing myself to accept. i think he is now blind and gets angry if you touch him, because he cant see you coming.

we have an appointment at 3:45 at the vets office. we are going to bury him next to our family doggie and our oldest cat, whom we buried last year, the day before thanksgiving. my husband is beating himself up for not being here for this. but he can't. that is a fact. he has bigger things to do. but i have my brother here to go with me. what a way to spend your day off. but on the bright side, we gave simon a very loving house to live for as long as he was able. if it hadn't been for us, he might have gone to the pound and they may have put him down sooner than was necessary. he has had 2 older kitty sisters to torment him and love him all at the same time. he filled a void we needed filled after we put our oldest down. and we loved him. more than he will ever know. more than i think i will ever know. and i hate it for him. i hate that he got sick. i hate that his brain is fucked up. i hate that he hasn't even lived a year. how do people watch their children die so young? that has to shatter a persons heart. AND faith. but my sense of faith is messed up. so we shouldn't bring faith into it.

all i know is that i have loved that kitten so much. and his "daddy" has loved him even more because finally he wasn't out-numbered. with 2 other girl cats, he finally had a "man" on his side. and i know that my husband's heart is breaking, as well. not only because he can't be here, but he also knows that i have to do this without him. and there's the guilt that he can't be here for me, simon, or himself. the next time he comes home, there will only be 2 cats to greet him. that's hard. and i hate it for him. but we are doing this for simon. we have to. he is not living right now, he is existing. and for no one else but me. and that's not fair.

simon avery, we loved you with all of our hearts. sleep well, little man. you have a sister waiting for you.