the maytag man

bear with me, i KNOW there's a post in here. right now it's just rattling around like a quarter in a clothes dryer.

and speaking of clothes dryers.... that woman. that damn-ed woman. with the laundry. still going.

our apartment is above a garage. not an auto garage, like a place where you keep your car garage. but it's not a garage apartment.... the first apartment building is 2 story. and then behind it is a 6 car garage. and on top of those garages are apartments. its like the plantation house... and then us dat lives behind it, ya hear?
got it . good.

so, yeah, back to me.
we live over the garage of a woman who is a compulsive launderer.

no. i mean it.

the first weekend i was here, i heard the sounds of laundry in my kitchen. realizing that it came from the lady's garage, i only got jealous that she had a washer and dryer and here i was schlepping MY ass to the laundromat.

this was a sunday.
she was still doing laundry on monday.
and tuesday.
and wednesday.
and thursday.
and friday.
saturday.
and back to sunday.

and not just a load here or there. all fucking day. i heard her washer or dryer all damned day long. i think her dryer has a 70 hour setting instead of 70 minutes.

at first, i was curious about the amount of laundry one family could have. and considering the size of these apartments, i KNOW it's not a big family. PLUS, this woman is over 50, so it's not like she has 5 kids running around.

"she might be babysitting her grandkids" you say?

perhaps. if so, i think i would see them. or hear them shrieking like banshees when she piled them into her car which is RIGHT UNDER MY ASS AS I TYPE THIS.

so yeah. i was curious about what kind of laundry can be done all day..... everyday.

so, we moved here march 1st. today is april 11th and i can hear her laundry. and have heard it EVERY DAY since. no. i am not exaggerating. i know i am prone to embellishment, but believe me. she is about to drive me psychotic.

now, i know there are some tortures where they make you listen to A SOUND over and over and over again. and i think i am strong enough person to withstand that for a while before i have to start eating my own kneecaps... (or patellas for some of you). the part about this is that its the curiosity that is driving me MAD!
it got a little Tell-Tale Heart for a while during the 3rd week. and H would come home, or call me, and i would be in the middle of a conversation and hear a button in the dryer and tell him, "THAT woman is STILL doing laundry" and then we would finish our conversation.

and most days i can drown it out... or it's quiet. but one night, i heard it as i was going to sleep in the WEEEEEEE hours of the morning... and woke up to the gentle sounds of tumbling jeans.

this is crazy.


"why don't you go ask her?"

yeah, ok.

"excuse me, ma'am, but how much FUCKING laundry can one family of 2 POSSIBLY have?"
or the more productive, "since you are doing laundry all goddamned day long, wanna do mine too?"
or the diplomatic, "you do realize that i hear your laundry all day and night long, can we come to some compromise about the hours in which the laundry can take a break?"


yeah. maybe.


even Mom said, "maybe she likes cleans sheets everyday"
fine. great.
take them OUT of the dryer then. oh, AND sheets don't have buttons or snaps or anything else clicky like ALL of her laundry does.


wait.


silence.


can it be?

awwww shit. she was just putting stuff from the washer into the dryer.

ima go unplug that shit.




freaking moo.