the JUDDHOLE

you all know i adore the judd ...

and how happy i am for him, considering that i found my dear sweet Husband online too....(another story for another time)


so, to my darling judd, i wish you happiness until the sun ceases to shine. i wish you love until the stars cease to burn. and i wish you goodness until the world stops spinning.



and the husband has agreed that we can adopt your fishes.

YOU PICK CULLAH *insert asian nail lady accent here*

hello, my name is christel, and i'm a surfer.

no, not in the Hang Ten kind of way, in an internet nerd kind of way.
i could spend 16 hours online a day (i know, because i have)

so this morning, i was fucking off before work and ran across this little gem.

at first i wondered how picking colors could tell ANYTHING about my personality... and then i got the results....

when i got to the second interpretation, i realized, HEY, this thing might have some validity:

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

well shit, you nailed me!

and i kept reading... and they kept nailing.

so, my dear faithful readers, i have decided to pass along the intellectual goodness i found today. i hope you get nailed, too.




(hee hee, i said NAILED)

Christel to English Dictionary

i realized a while back, when i was around some old friends, that i have my own vocabulary. and only a few people understand it. so i decided to make an Christel to English Dictionary. that way EVERYONE knows what im talking about ( oh and so they can all be like me, which is what EVERYONE wants in the first place, right?)


ready? here we go

• sump = something (my baby brother started this one, he was a little deaf when he was born and couldn't hear to emulate the english language)
• unna one = the other one or something different (used in a general sort of way)
• unna one kind = the other one (used in a more specific manner)
• itty bitty baby one kind = small (note the use of 5 words to describe 1)
• christelmas = christmas
• forwent = past tense of 'forgo'
• chilly brew ha ha's = beers (thanks to daniel)
• haggamers = hamburgers
• toilee pinter = toilet paper
• ellelator = elevator
• shlellows = marshmallows
• fancy kind = unusual
• strawgabiggies = strawberries
• neenut putter = peanut butter
• smashed tatatoes = mashed potatoes
• co-hee = coffee
• war-tow = water tower
• charlie foxtrot = cluster fuck
• "SHUT UP!!!!" = "no way", "you're kidding", "that's amazing", " get out!", "WOW!"
• "WHO DIS?!?!?!" = "hello"
• "not knowin" = "i dont know"
• "no gotty" = "i dont have it"
• "what do?" = "what are you doing?"
• "where go?" = "where are you going?"

OH and almost every noun is pluralized,

• i put some sugarS in my co-heeS.
• milkS in my cerealS.
• i want chickenS for the dinnerS.

ok so i guess its really just anything pertaining to food that gets pluralized.

and everyone gets a "The"

• THE mommie
• THE daddy
• THE tistel-girl
• THE charlie dog
• THE boy
• THE me

now, go forth and confuse the shit outta people with your new language! YAY!!!!!

potpourri

hi kids.


i know i have been a slacker blogger. i have been getting ready for my trip to austin. and just doing other junk... like, oh yeah, WORKING.

but im home. from a marvelous weekend. not only did i get to see my BROTHER i hadnt seen in 3 years and get to bond with him, but i got to see my father too. and it was awesome to be in the same room with them. and to laugh and explore all the facets that we all share. i want to do that again, REALLY soon!

i then got to see my VERY BEST FRIEND on the planet. the girl who knows all the lyrics to Licensed to Ill.... and can STILL sing them at the drop of a hat. the girl who can make a noise, or say a word and i know EXACTLY what shes talking about. its VERY Will and Grace. the girl that has more dirt on me and was there for MORE stupid shit than almost anyone.... almost including my family. and its funny how she remembers stuff that i dont and vice versa. im frightened to ever get on her bad side.

oh, and have i mentioned the fact that she has 4 terrific kids? yeah. 4. i know. shes CUH-RAZY. thats why we share a brain. and i got to hang with her and the fam for a few days. and i got permission from her to go see Mama and Papa B. but only for 3 hours. and then i had a curfew. and at the Bs i got to see BEEYOOTEEFUL pictures of japan and have wonderful BBQ and get good mommie type hugs.

also during the weekend, Husband and i got some good things hammered out and it looks like the storm is over. today is the first day of all of our tomorrows. our friends told us we could pull through this and we certainly appear to have been able to do just that. we thank all of you for your support, because you all were able to see that we have so much love for each other and THAT was going to carry us through any trouble we had or will have. we had forgotten that fate brought us together and that we fell stupidly in love with each other for a reason. i mean 5 years is sorta a long time... i still owe him 75 more. we promised each other 80.

so, im going to unpack now.


to ian: FUCK Y'ALL I'M FROM TEXAS!
to the old man: triple jump = ghetto hopscotch
to ang: MICHELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to mama B: come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!

and last but certainly not least, to my Husband: i promise you all of my tomorrows, too.

the rainy season

some of you know that we played this song at our wedding. in fact, it replaced the traditional wedding march. and it was absolutely beautiful. so obviously i have a special place in my heart for Marc Cohn.
and the other day, Tasty posted a song by Mr. Cohn. and that sent me on a search through my music and i came across this one.

and it spoke to me.
maybe it will speak to you.



Don't Talk To Her At Night

Don't talk to her when shooting stars are falling
Don't talk to her when she can smell the jasmine in the air
Don't talk to her when no one knows you're calling
You might just say the words that keep her waiting there

Don't talk to her when she is softly sleeping
Don't wake her to the sound of your voice whispering her name
Don't tell her all the secrets you've been keeping
Don't tell her that you're drowning in a river of shame

When the wolf is howling
Underneath the moon
Underneath the window
Of a hotel room
Burn the blanket
Shoot the light
But don't talk to her at night

Don't talk to her in thunder or in lightning
Don't talk to her with fuses blown and wires falling down
Don't talk to her when the fever is frightening
When she's burning in the bedroom in an evening gown

Or when the wolf is howling
Underneath the moon
Underneath the window
Of a hotel room
Burn the blanket
Shoot the light
But don't talk to her at night
Don't talk to her at night

Or when the wolf is howling
Underneath the moon
Underneath the window
Of a hotel room
Burn the blanket
Shoot the light
But don't talk to her at night
Don't talk to her at night
Don't talk to her at night
Don't talk to her at night



Written by Marc Cohn, from the album The Rainy Season. Copyright 1993 Museum Steps Music, ASCAP.



p.s. honey, you are still and always will be my true companion.

where you hang your hat

i ache.

my whole soul hurts.


i NEED to hug the people i miss.
i NEED to hug the people i love.
i NEED to not feel like i do.


i am "homesick" right now. so, forgive the sappy-ness.

i dont know anybody here. how bad is it when you want to tell the INSURANCE man, "i love you" when you get off the phone with him, JUST because he has known us for 6 years and he is familiar?

yeah, so it took 7 weeks to get "homesick". and yes, i put it in quotes because i have so many homes. first and foremost, the place where i grew up is home. always will be.

but there is the place my family (momma, daddy, brother) lives which is also home. and thats the one i am missing right now.

i am so far away. and i was so excited about all the shit that went with moving out here:
LIVING with my husband
moving back to texas
being closer to the "other home"

that i totally ignored the fact that the other people i love most are 1500 miles away.

and i am so sad.

no one here knows me.
knows my stories.
knows my sense of humor.
hell, on one even knows my husband's name.

and it really is getting to me tonight.

granted the beer and the hormones are probably NOT helping. but fuck it.

sure, i am going to my hometown next weekend, but right now, i wanna go hug the people who love me.


im going to go cry some more now.

moo.

24 instead of 29

oh man.... now HERE is a post.

my hitcounter is supported by blog patrol and it will let me know what some of the keywords are that people have used in a search engine, and ended up on my blog.

dig THIS shit. these are the 24 most recent

1. 3gallonsofcoffee
2. "joey harrington" "bachelor party"
3. Rockstar energy drink billboards
4. things i didnt know
5. toothpastefordinner dream lie
6. "rockstar energy drink" "side effects"
7. who sang having my burger (?)
8. "child leashes" -electronic
9. wondertruck
10. "DPS Man"
11. amarillo hot guys late night commercials
12. amarillo tattoo
13. andy pettitte wife pregnant
14. can i have a do-over
15. coffeegoddess
16. coffeegrounds for plants
17. cvammen
18. Dallas Sportscar rental
19. LUCHENBACH
20. mexican mocha
21. my maserati does 185
22. numb3rs
23. Picture of Jason La Rue:the reds
24. porntriplets

YES!!!!! the PORNTRIPLETS!!!! how much do you LOVE that?????

i'm so fucking famous.

oh, and to the fucker that searched for electronic child leashes... i hope like hell that doesn't mean what i think it does.

that damned allison

there are times when being a number can be really annoying. its the part where we all do the same thing because the other ones do it. and its not peer pressure. and its not because anyone feels we have to belong... its a damn compulsion. we cant help it. it just happens. sometimes i TRY not to do the stuff they do... and in the end i realize that resistance is futile. its gonna happen anyway.

take today for example. i read allie's blog and she has a list. and if you have been paying the tiniest SHRED of attention, you will know that we are WHORES for the list. especially ones about ourselves. because i love ME most. DUR.

even after i read allie's list, i got up to make my coffee.... and started my list in my head. DAMMIT!
see what i mean, we are no longer in control. there is a strange vortex that surrounds the numbers. and eventually, all of us will do "a thing". regardless.

so, defeated against the powers, here is my list

1. since moving to amarillo i have become very habitual.
2. i only used boiled water for my coffee
3. because amarillo water is so bad.
4. and i put the water on to boil the same time as i start my coffee to brew, so that at night i already have cooled, boiled water.
5. i do my dishes everyday.
6. i didn't used to.
7. i try to make my bed everyday, but sometimes there is still a Husband body in it.
8. i start my new job today!
9. its a temporary means to an end, so i'm not going to tell you what it is.
10. sure, i'll let you THINK its street-walking.
11. makes me seems more scandalous.
12. i have been in amarillo for exactly 6 weeks.
13. and i really miss my friends from SC.
14. like really a lot.
15. i wish i could just clap my hands and be in SC hugging my momma.
16. next weekend i will be hugging my brother and father.
17. i haven't seen my brother in 3 years.
18. he is a fast runnin white boy.
19. he is tall and cute too.
20. he gets the cute from me.
21. we don't know where he got the tall from.
22. i also get to hug my Ang this weekend too.
23. and her 4 monkeys.
24. i want monkeys of my own.
25. i wanna be like allie and have 300 nail polishes.
26. and 123 lip glosses.
27. this list is really boring.
28. but i had no choice.
29. and finally, i just bought a fish who i still nameless. i am taking suggestions.

so there it is. my list. its hard to come up with stuff i haven't already listed before. maybe i need to go do more shit.

moo, y'all.

the maytag man

bear with me, i KNOW there's a post in here. right now it's just rattling around like a quarter in a clothes dryer.

and speaking of clothes dryers.... that woman. that damn-ed woman. with the laundry. still going.

our apartment is above a garage. not an auto garage, like a place where you keep your car garage. but it's not a garage apartment.... the first apartment building is 2 story. and then behind it is a 6 car garage. and on top of those garages are apartments. its like the plantation house... and then us dat lives behind it, ya hear?
got it . good.

so, yeah, back to me.
we live over the garage of a woman who is a compulsive launderer.

no. i mean it.

the first weekend i was here, i heard the sounds of laundry in my kitchen. realizing that it came from the lady's garage, i only got jealous that she had a washer and dryer and here i was schlepping MY ass to the laundromat.

this was a sunday.
she was still doing laundry on monday.
and tuesday.
and wednesday.
and thursday.
and friday.
saturday.
and back to sunday.

and not just a load here or there. all fucking day. i heard her washer or dryer all damned day long. i think her dryer has a 70 hour setting instead of 70 minutes.

at first, i was curious about the amount of laundry one family could have. and considering the size of these apartments, i KNOW it's not a big family. PLUS, this woman is over 50, so it's not like she has 5 kids running around.

"she might be babysitting her grandkids" you say?

perhaps. if so, i think i would see them. or hear them shrieking like banshees when she piled them into her car which is RIGHT UNDER MY ASS AS I TYPE THIS.

so yeah. i was curious about what kind of laundry can be done all day..... everyday.

so, we moved here march 1st. today is april 11th and i can hear her laundry. and have heard it EVERY DAY since. no. i am not exaggerating. i know i am prone to embellishment, but believe me. she is about to drive me psychotic.

now, i know there are some tortures where they make you listen to A SOUND over and over and over again. and i think i am strong enough person to withstand that for a while before i have to start eating my own kneecaps... (or patellas for some of you). the part about this is that its the curiosity that is driving me MAD!
it got a little Tell-Tale Heart for a while during the 3rd week. and H would come home, or call me, and i would be in the middle of a conversation and hear a button in the dryer and tell him, "THAT woman is STILL doing laundry" and then we would finish our conversation.

and most days i can drown it out... or it's quiet. but one night, i heard it as i was going to sleep in the WEEEEEEE hours of the morning... and woke up to the gentle sounds of tumbling jeans.

this is crazy.


"why don't you go ask her?"

yeah, ok.

"excuse me, ma'am, but how much FUCKING laundry can one family of 2 POSSIBLY have?"
or the more productive, "since you are doing laundry all goddamned day long, wanna do mine too?"
or the diplomatic, "you do realize that i hear your laundry all day and night long, can we come to some compromise about the hours in which the laundry can take a break?"


yeah. maybe.


even Mom said, "maybe she likes cleans sheets everyday"
fine. great.
take them OUT of the dryer then. oh, AND sheets don't have buttons or snaps or anything else clicky like ALL of her laundry does.


wait.


silence.


can it be?

awwww shit. she was just putting stuff from the washer into the dryer.

ima go unplug that shit.




freaking moo.

christel logic

ok, we all know i LOVE White Castle
and we all know that we are Reds fans.
and you can assume that in our house, we subscribe to Extra Innings
(which means we can watch any baseball game in any area)

so, watching the Reds game this morning, they showed a commercial.
which would be typically shown in Cinci, or the surrounding areas.

it starts off with a group of people sitting on the floor, in white robes, doing yoga and meditation.
they then are whisked away into the clouds (i.e. a higher plane of existence)
and in the clouds with them, is a man in a lazy boy with a White Castle bag.

this is a commercial for their new Chicken Rings.

yes, i said Chicken Rings...

so, can someone tell me how this:

PLUS THIS

EQUALS THIS?????





because according to MY logic, you cant slice a chicken like a pineapple.
but even more importantly....

WHO FUCKING WANTS TO?


because Chicken Rings occur naturally?

kinda like the 4 different shapes of the Mc Nugget?

let's just say i am pretty well freaked out by this.

boys of summer

it's baseball season.
and my BOYS won yesterday.
on OPENING day.
in an amazing show in the 9th inning.

you all watched it, right?
yeah, i thought so.

we were up early (by our standards) and laid in bed snuggling until H got all wormy and couldn't stand it anymore. he was SO excited about today. he was all chattery about baseball and how much he loves it and that it's like Christmas and his birthday all rolled into one. i think he may have even peed on the floor a little. he was THAT excited. and it was so nice. while i still had his attention, we talked about all things Reds and baseball related. and it was the first time we had really talked to each other, in a while, and listened to what each other had to say. partially because we have both been busy and on different schedules and partially because i can only hear about the Final Four so much. or Terry Schiavo so much. or STEROIDS so much.

in our house, baseball is the language of love. and i'm real damn ok with that.

so we laid like spaghetti on the couch, all tangled up in each other, flipping between all the baseball games. we watched part of the Opening Day parade, in Cinci, on the computer.

and then the game came on. and we talked about how much we hated that we weren't there. and that we probably wont make the trip to "mecca" this year. which we both hate, but it's a fact. that is one of my favorite trips of the year. when we lived in SC, we would make the 6 hour drive up there. me talking about white castle and Rock Bottom Brewery, him talking about the players and the people we were going to meet. if you've ever driven to Cincinnati, you know that it's hidden. you are driving and driving and driving and then all of a sudden, you round this curve and there it is. as if it appears by magic. i get a thrill everytime.
we cross the bridge from kentucky to ohio and we point out the stadium to each other... as if neither one has ever seen it before. and i start to get antsy.
cincinnati is a beautiful city. and friendly and its a place where we Reds fans are no longer the minority. its like being a square peg in a round world... and then you move to Squaresville. its a sense that i can't explain.

we start talking about all the things we want to go/see/do while we are there and usually end up doing about 3 of them. my list is small.
i want white castle everyday.
i want rock bottom brewery and the beer sampler.
i want to walk around downtown and see the baseball exhibits that are going on. i think for a few years a guy was making all sorts of awesome art from louisville sluggers. i LOVED that.
i want baseball.

there are lots of places that people tell us that we should go to; and we are slowly crossing those off our lists, but for now, we are here for baseball.

since H is on the Reds messageboard, we end up meeting a lot of new friends from there. and it's cool how the same people who came the first year asked when we were coming back. and its a big deal on his board that we are making our annual trip up there and we end up meeting about 20 - 30 new people. it's really neat.

so, we meet up with "Zoners" the first night, for adult beverages, and then head to the park. we either walk or ride in the back of a friend's truck. it's like being a kid all over again... headed to the ballpark in the back of a truck.
we get to the GAB and its a sea of red. and we can smell the popcorn and hot dogs and burgers and all things baseball. once inside, my Husband loses about 20 years of his life. he is now the world's largest 9 year old. and i get dragged all over the place. i can never keep up with him. so we take pictures and find our seats and go get beers and as we sit down for the first time, its like a jolt of electricity AND your favorite chair all rolled into one. we are home.

i get the chills when the boys come out on the field. i cry during the national anthem. my heart swells. and i am full of pride and love and happiness.

we settle into our world for the next 9 innings and i then turn into a little kid. i take the first inning to look around and see what all is going on. i am so out of it and H is used to it. he tries to tell me stuff and i'm just like "lalalalalalalalala, look at all the pretty colors..." and then he realizes that i will be "back" in the second inning.

there is much laughter and beer and cheering and shit-talking. mostly between H and his fellow Zoners. it's neat to see people come together over something as simple as baseball. its common ground. and i adore it.

we always win the first game we go to. always. it's a rule. and as the night progresses, and the home runs get hit, and as the smoke from the stacks hangs in the air, and i look around and see al these strangers smiling and accepting each other, it makes me happy beyond compare.

as we leave the game, we all agree to meet back up for the next days game. and we get back to our hotel room and we are so worn out and still buzzing with excitement that we try to lay down to go to sleep and KNOW that we are fooling ourselves. then we throw on our shoes and head back out. and go directly to white castle.

i make sure i don't get too full during the game so i have room for white castle. i dont know what it is about white castle. they aren't really great burgers. and i am sure that about 79% of it is tradition. it's what we do. it's not cincinnati unless we got sliders.

we get back to our room and CRASH. but are up early for more baseball. we wander the town, killing time, buying souvenirs, being tourists, and then off to the park again. we get there early so we can go exploring and see all the new things they have done. we find our brick (its hard to tell, but the bricks paving the way into the ballpark all have messages on them. ) and we go watch batting practice.

imagine a slew of kids leaning over the wall trying to talk to any of the players, and then imagine a 6 foot 2 kid leaning over with them. yeah, that one's mine. in the Griffey jersey? yep, sure is.

and i sit back and watch him. and he helps the littler kids get autographs because they are usually the ones that get squished by the bigger kids. and if he catches a ball, he gives it to the ones that look so dejected. and he is so polite. "Mr. Casey, how are you today? Enjoying this fine weather? Gonna beat the Cubs today? Would you mind signing?" and this is so much better than the kids, "hey, sign! hey, sign!"

and this gets him autographs. and he then brings them back to me to put away for safe-keeping. and then he's off somewhere else.

and this is how the weekend is.

usually on sunday, he goes to the game by himself. i drive down to louisville to meet up with some of MY favorite people. about 10 of us girls get together and drink and eat and laugh and eat and drink some more.
this also happens to be where #3 KY and devilboss and smashlee live and even tasty comes down from indy.
it doesn't get MUCH better than that. after trying to kill myself with laughter and fried cheese i head back to cinci.

we stay for the monday game and head back after that. we are so tired from all the fun we had and all the baseball we saw and all the nasty food we ate.

and then we do it again the next year.

but we dont get to do that this year. and i HATE it. we wont even get to see them play at all, this year.

we ARE going to a Rangers game... so at least we get our fix... but its not the same.

so, 1 down. 161 more to go!

GO REDS!

Curse of the Bambino

i hate the Yankees.
there isn't another team in the MLB that i hate. i mean, sure i don't like the Braves, but i hate the Yanks. it started the year they acquired A-Rod. and it got worse last year when they got The Unit. come ON! how is this fair? Randy Johnson should NOT be wearing pinstripes.

how is it that the kid with the most toy wins? sure, they have to pay a luxury tax. but how does that really hurt? oh, right, it DOESN'T!

this team is so stacked against anyone's favor that last years World Series was considered a fluke by some. they think that the Yanks will beat the BoSox tonight, JUST to prove they can. to this i call BULLSHIT.

i have become a baseball fan. i started as a Reds fan and worked my way into baseball fandom. i really like baseball. not only because i understand it, but because Husband and i agree on it. you can have football... basketball... even CURLING. but we agree on baseball. we love it for the same and for different reasons. i love it for the fact that it marks the onset of spring and summer... and hot dogs and cold overpriced beers and being outside. and the fact that i get it. baseball makes sense to me. hell, i even learned to keep score last year. he loves it because it pulses through his veins like life blood. my husband breathes baseball. lives and dies baseball. and i adore that.

this is a baseball family. we want to take a trip during one summer and visit all the major league parks. how cool dees that sound?

but i will not got to Yankee stadium.
they don't play fair, then they don't get my money.

so. i'm off to finish watching the game.
GO BOSOX!!!

and Jonny Damon ain't bad to look at either.


and how much do i love that the Reds play on Opening day.
oh yeah, UH-LOT.

April Fool's

welp, most of you have had jokes played on you and/or are in the middle of executing an elaborate scheme, but today, i want you do one thing.

please please please go here and comment on the first blog post.

some of you know that i believe that there already is a cure for cancer and don't support the funding of cancer research.... but today, i am setting that aside. i want you to do this because of anyone you have ever loved who died from cancer.

this is my ANTI-Joke.
i'm really serious.

please go comment. before midnight tonight.
you guys are the best.