even jackie wilson can't fix this one.

ok so i'm in a funk.

a blue period?

mean reds?

fuck it. i'm down. not out... just down.

and i don't want to fix it. i just want it to go away.
i have been anti-social and that just ain't me. i haven't called 2 of my very good friends since i have been back from texas and i feel like a schmo for that... and then that adds to the funk. so i feel bad because i haven't called and haven't called because i feel bad. vicious cycle. i have been invited to a halloween party with some of my favorite gay boys... and i am probably not going. how stupid is that? (besides the fact that i hate halloween)

work sucks. a lot. a whole lot. sucks on ice.

since i am leaving in 3 months, i need to train my replacement. now we all knew who the replacement will be, and she works there and i love her. no problem there. the problem is that what was supposed to be a gradual process, came as one fell swoop. what was supposed to transition from manager ... came as WHA-POW! bottom of the food chain. i feel like i have been demoted. that's not the case, but i feel that way. but maybe i am reading too much into all of this. maybe the other employees don't really feel confused about who they should ask about stuff? maybe the vendors that call don't know who to ask for? maybe the answers to the questions aren't my responsibility anymore. maybe im just fucked in the head. yeah, that must be it. and the holiday season is coming. fast. like it will be here tomorrow. and i have gift baskets that will be coming out of my ass in a matter of weeks. stressed? no. nuh-uh. not much. and i know that once gift baskets are done, then that means christmas is over and then i have to pack to move. to another state. away from my family, friends... to strike out on our own. i am super excited about living in amarillo. it's the getting there part that makes me want to crawl in a hole. a big hole. with a one-way opening.

and i am sad because i had a wonderful weekend with my husband and had to say goodbye all over again. so the roller coaster is now creeping back up the huge incline before the 984 foot drop. chucka chucka chucka chucka.... and i miss him. so much. yeah, it was nice the first few weeks when i got to play bachelor-girl. now i am just a wife with a displaced husband. no more game. just the lonely. and the act that we talk maybe 7 minutes total, each day isn't helping. we went from 72+ hours together to 3 and 4 minute phone calls. talk about a screeching halt. this shit sucks.

and my father-in-law is a daily stress factor. he is at the very top of the "Things To Stress About Today" list. his health is bad. his mind is going. he is lonely. he is poor. he has to fight with the VA on a daily basis. and he doesn't walk so well. his wife (and caregiver) died almost a year ago... and he hasn't even grieved for her, yet. granted neither have i. because grieving about it, is admitting it happened. and i DO NOT want to get on that bus ever. (yeah, can we say denial?) so i feel totally helpless when it comes to the subject of Daddy Mike. real helpless. but that man calls me everyday. to check on me, to tell me how he is doing, to tell me that everything is going to be ok. after all the shit this man deals with on a daily basis, he calls ME to tell me that everything is going to be ok. how amazing is that? but i know deep down, that when we talk, it's therapeutic for both of us. if he can hear about my mundane shit, it helps him get his mind off of his major shit. and making him laugh is one of my favorite things. he told Husband once, that he made a vow to himself to make his wife laugh every day. and he did it too. and Husband does it now, as well. and i now do the same thing to Daddy Mike. full circle, i guess. but it works. and he calls this morning to let me know that he was worried about me yesterday. he called probably 6 times. and i never picked up the phone. (the funk, remember) and i felt horrible about it. so i apologized this morning and told him i was in a funk and he tried to bring up stuff that he thought i would be happy about, but some of the stuff is the exact reason i am stressed. poor guy. the conversation was like this:
"what about...."
"i don't wanna talk about that. "
"well what about....."
" i don't want to talk about that either."
"well, just remember....."
"yeah, that's stressing me out too"

poor guy. he was trying so hard. and i love him for it. and then he told me if i wanted to stay in my funk, i could. and that made me happy. ummm... happy-er.

so, i have found that when i am in a mood like this, the best thing to do is let me do it on my own. don't try to cheer me up. don't feel bad for me, just hug me. silently. i will come around. usually. but for right now, if you don't hear from me.... don't worry, i'm fine. i just got the blues.
i think i will go listen to some muddy waters now.