black-eyed peas

yeah. i'm gonna do it too.

list of things i would like to accomplish in the year 2005: (in no particular order)

• live in the actual same house as my husband
• be nice
• fall in love again*
• woo*
• start my own roasting company
• take a sewing/knitting/pottery/craft-related class
• work on a "family"
• make out*
• spend lots of weekends with my favorite people
• write poetry
• smile
• whittle down some of our debt
• get a dawggie
• write actual letters to my grandmother
• go somewhere romantical*
• lose 15 pounds
• donate more of my time

* WITH my husband, DUR!

i hope your New Year brings you as much joy and happiness as we have all asked for.

see you in '05.

december 23rd

my mom called me the other day and left me voicemail. on it, she was singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at the TOP of her lungs. she then proceeded to tell me that "the Christmas Spirit has jumped up and bitten her on the ass and won't let go"

now that, my dear friends, is funny.
because
A: my mom doesn't have the greatest singing voice (she says its worse than it really is)
B: its total silliness
and 3rd: i picture Forrest Gump when he got shot in the ass and says, "sumthing biiiiit meee"


but my dilemma is this:
I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TO BITE ME, TOO.

i haven't really even BEGUN my shopping, much less wrapping... i know i am a procrastinator, but something about this christmas has me dragging my feet. maybe its that Husband isn't here?
maybe it's that last year was SOOOOO shitty, i keep expecting something terrible to happen, so i'm on my guard.
maybe it's that my ass is impenetrable to the bite of the Christmas spirit. (eggnog will do that to ya........i think its kinda like whiskey dick)

maybe it's..... hell i dont know. but i DO know it makes christelmas shopping very difficult.

and since i have been whiny in this post, i think it is time i bring back the "list of 3 meaningful things"
it can't hurt, right?

1. i will pick up my husband up from the airport in less than 36 hours.
2. i have a brand spanking new neice.
3. Christelmas is in 2 days and i will be sitting in front of a fireplace with my family.

so take from this post what you will....

and if you have any extra christelmas spirit, please send it to me.

you want amarillo, you got it.

see, amarillo wasn't all that fun. that's why i have been dragging my feet on it.
but i deem myself an OK storyteller, so here we go.

Oncest uponst a time (that's how i used to begin all stories as a child)

i left good ol' Suck Carolina at 6 am on wednesday the 1st. i flew from here to DEEtroit, then to oklahoma city, then to dallas and then to amarillo. we never even got in the air long enough to reach cruising speed with number of legs there were on this freakin trip. basically they had a big rubber band and launched us to our next destination.

when i got to DEEtroit, SELF said to me, "you sure could go for another cuppa coffee" and i don't like to ignore her, so lo and behold, there was a cute little coffee stand RIGHT as i deplaned (is that really a word?) it was a sign. and there was a sign, too. a hand written sign announcing that the "EXpresso machine was broken" ummmm... if you don't work in "the biz" you have a free "i am such a dumbass that i can't read that there isn't an 'x' in espresso, nor will i signify that i can speak, either and also CALL it EXpresso" card. if you DO work in "the biz" you should just plain know better. alas, she did not know better.... which raised my hesitation bar a notch or two. so, being a punter, i opted for coffee.... i saw, as i rounded the corner to the bar area, three large airpots. one labeled "Decaf French Roast" one with "French Roast" which said to me that the company that roasts their coffee doesn't know how since all they have done with whatever they swept of the warehouse floor, is BURN it. and finally an airpot labeled "Signature Blend". ok, you hooked me. here is how that went:

me: what's in your signature blend.
her: oh, it's just plain coffee.
me: right, but what KIND of coffee is it? (this is the part where the previous warning signs flew out the window and i have now set myself up for failure)
her: it's not flavored or anything.
me: ok, but what country do the beans come from? you know, are they colombian? guatemalan? east african?
her: oh, they come from chicago.
me: (small cough) oh, that's where they are roasted, but what country do they come from, colombia? brazil? sumatra? ( i wanted to know because of the acidity of different beans and my empty tummy)
her: (looks me straight in the eyes) they come from Chicago.
me: CHICAGO IS A CITY, NOT A COUNTRY. COFFEEBEANS HAVE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WHERE THEY ARE GROWN.......no, but, oh fuck it nevermind.

and exit stage left.
welcome to DEEtroit.

i found some 100 proof colombian at some bagel place and was much happier. i swear this shit ALWAYS happens to me.

yada yada planes, flying, deplaning, (?) changing airlines, security, flying, and FINALLY i landed in amarillo.
hmmmm.... landing in amarillo.... i was so freaked out. see, i am from what's called the "Hill Country" in texas. thus indicating the earth being at differing highs and lows. and we have some trees there too. then moving to SC, i have found out what trees and mountains REALLY look like. so to fly from OKC to amarillo... was a bit umm... well it was... in a word, unsettling.
it was flat. F-L-A-T. flat. ______________________________________T_________________

the (T) was a tree. the one. the one tree.

so yeah. i was frightened.

Husband and i did a little extra long smooching in the terminal when i finally got my arms around him. yes, we were "those people" and i didn't care.
when we left, he asked me if i wanted the "oh my gawd, i just quit my job and drove out here for 2 days and this is where we are going to live" scary amarillo tour? duh. yes.
and not 5 minutes into the drive, i saw something in the road. no, not roadkill.... TUMBLEWEED.
actual honest to goddess TUMBLEWEED. and i nearly hurt myself laughing at that. see, since texas is bigger than france, there are lots of different terrains. where i come from, yeah, no tumbleweeds. and no, i don't own a horse. we knew that amarillo was a Cowboy Town, but damn...

we drove and looked and counted the trees. (12 total) and saw the Big Texan and old oil derrick or 3... and then went to lunch. and in texas we have Shiner Bock beer. and if you know me, you know that's my favorite. and since i was a little rattled by the sparseness of amarillo and lack of anything resembling a "nice part of town" yeah, i had a few cold ones. and wanted to follow that up with a few more cold ones. but there were naps to be had.

since Husband works the 5pm to 3am shift, he was a wee bit tired.... so we went back to his room and slept. and slept some more. and then got up, ate McDonald's and slept some more. which was fine, since i could snuggle him all i wanted to. i had 7 weeks of snuggling to make up for. and i almost got it all done.
the next day we slept in and then bought yarn so i could do something while he was at work that night and then went to lunch. yeah in texas, EVERYTHING is either shaped like texas or has a star on it. (just like i like it) this time it was the paving stones at the restaurant. of course i noticed it because i'm like that. Husband said he's been going there since he moved out there and never even noticed them. well, he's not a texan, yet.

H went to work and i went to knitting. and watching TV. in a hotel room. for 8 hours. by myself. the one good thing was that the Chris Isaak Christelmas special was on. talk about a happy girl. because he's my boyfriend. no really. he is. so, he made a show for me to watch and sang christelmas songs to me for 2 hours. no commercials. yay upon yay.
H had to work late, so he didn't get in until about 5 so that meant he needed to sleep until at least 12 or 2. on my birthday. and since i am an early riser, i was up at 8. so i watched him sleep and then tried to wake him about 9 times. and finally he joined us among the land of the living.
we talked for a little bit, fought for a little bit (because that's what you do when you don't live with your spouse for 3 months.) made up for a while ;) and then got our asses in gear. since i am truly a 5 year old... what did i want to do? yeah go see a movie. not just ANY movie, the Incredibles. (only because he wouldn't take me to spongebob)
yeah. 5 year old and animation. all that was missing was the sticky hands. after leaving there, we went back to the room to get dressed for dinner. my big fancy birthday dinner.
he took us to a place called marty's. which the guys he works with told him was the "nicest place in town" i was hesitant since i only brought jeans... but who gives a shit? its MY day. so as we were walking in, a big fat bubba comes walking out in overalls. ok, now i don't feel so out of place, but that also throws "nicest place in town" out the window.
it was beautiful inside. all dimly lit and beautiful glass everywhere. we sat at the bar and i ordered a glass of wine, and a glass of water. i took one sip of the water and pushed the glass away. it was GROSS. but the wine was good.
we got to our table and our server was about a month and half younger than methuselah. and she had 3 pens in her hair. but she was sweet. we ordered the bacon wrapped shrimp for appetizer and i got the chicken marsala and a spinach salad with hot bacon dressing (upon H's insistence, i wanted ranch) he got steak. our salads came out before our swimps. strike #2. i took one bite of the salad and pushed it away. the hot bacon dressing was ucky. i didn't like it. then out came our swimps. now the description said, "mesquite-smoked shrimp wrapped in bacon and grilled" how wrong could that be? well it had some weird sauce on it and i think it had some weird cheese wrapped in there too. i ate one shrimp and pushed it away. strike #3.
then our entrees arrive... now, i don't know about you, but where i come from, marsala sauce is NOT the color of barbecue sauce. call me snobby, but i don't think they made it right. and i HATE barbecue sauce. so, i was brave and took one bite and wanted to push it away, but having really not eaten a lot, what with the shrimps and salad bites, i needed to eat. so, i made it through half of my chicken... and pushed it away. strike #4.
but, there's always free dessert on your birthday, right? i wanted creme brulee, but then figured they would probably fuck that up, too. so i opted for cheesecake since H likes it and if it was ucky too... he could finish it. well guess what? it was ucky. it was orange. not just color, but flavor. at this point... i am starting to think it's a conspiracy. strike #5. so.... at least the wine was good. and we forked out $86 bucks for me to have 4 bites of food. happy birthday to me.

we left there and went downtown because i told H i wanted a new tattoo for my birthday. and that's what i was going to get. since dinner was a bust.... this better not be. now, when you get a tattoo, you expect it to hurt and you expect it to take a long time, and finally, you expect it to bleed. these are the temporary badges of honor that come with getting a tattoo... not to mention the adrenaline high following it. yeah, it took maybe 15 minutes. maybe. and it didn't hurt. it was supposed to, since i got it on the back of my neck.... and no bleeding or "tattoo high" again, i got gyped.

mother fucker.
BUT, i do have a nice new shiny tattoo. in case you were curious, it's the word "aithne" which is the gaelic word for knowledge. see how cool i am. yeah, i know.

so, saturday we slept in and then went out to a comedy club and saw some ok comics. H's friend, brad, joined us. he smelled yummy and had nice arms. so i strategically placed myself BETWEEN them. smart girl, no? we left there and went to a shit-kicker bar called Midnight Rodeo. and it was a ghost town. i think i saw another tumbleweed go across the dance floor. as the night wore on, the place picked up a little. we shook our tailfeathers, our groove thangs and our bon bons. i even 2-stepped. quite impressively, i might add. not bad for a beginner.
we left there and all crashed out at the room. brad and i got up at 8 and i drove him back to his truck. once H and i got moving, we went to go see another movie. this time, national treasure. it was a great movie. after that, i wanted some barbecue. you know, brisket, sausage, shit like that. and that's what i got. now remember what i said about everything being in the shape of texas? well.... being one of those weird hand-washer types, i made a trip to the Ladies. in there was a woman "making a stinky" and i found myself laughing hysterically at the sink. the sink basin was in the shape of..... you guessed it. TEXAS. now i have seen a lot of things in my life.... but this one took the cake. so i can only imagine what that poor woman must have thought when some girl comes in the bathroom and starts laughing. bless her little poopy heart. i so want that sink. i even made H go to the Gents to see. i am still devising a plan to steal those sinks.

so, we ate. and it was good. it was real damn good. it made me happy. a whole lotta happy. and we had birthday dinner take 2. yay. and i washed it all down with a nice tall cold Shiner Bock. yum-o-rama.

my plane left at 9 the next morning... so we were at the airport by 8. this time, my trip was amarillo to dallas to okla city to memphis to sc. fuck me.
said our good-byes and see you in fingers and toes day. and off i went. now going through security, you have to take off your shoes. and ONLY in texas do they have one of those boot removers. you know the little wedge of wood with a U shaped notch in the top that you put your heel in to take your boots off. i swear i cant make this shit up. only in texas. that was my last little chuckle from amarillo.
so in the air by 9... land in dallas hop on another plane, land in okc... and here i have a 5 hour wait. yay me. good thing i bought 2 books. so i didn't mind that it was going to be 15 minutes for my meal at the hamburger joint, fuck, i have 4 hours and 45 MORE minutes to kill.

so, i set up camp... and read. and read. and glared at the man in the loud shoes who kept walking back and forth... and read some more. for 4 hours. FINALLY we get on the plane and in an hour we are in memphis. where i have an hour and a half layover. again with the yay.
so, by now i have finished my book i started at 9 this morning. (i read fast) and get to sit with all the people headed back to Suck Carolina. gawd i hate the accent here. i wanted to pull all of their eyelashes out. slowly. and i have been traveling for about 9 hours... i was a little bit cranky. by the time i got off the plane in SC, it was 10pm. including the time change, i had been in airports and airplanes for over 12 hours.

so. that was amarillo. are you exhausted now?
yeah, i was too.

a challenge has been issued.

hmmmm...
seems a "commenter" has not realized that the thing i do for a living is called W-O-R-K. say it with me now, wwwwweeeeerrrrrrkkkkkkk.

and whilst at this place of employment, i do not have access to
A: a chair upon which to rest my laurels
B: a computer upon which i can compose the events of my day and exaggerate them greatly as to glean non-existent humor from them
and 3rd: any time to do such things listed above.


for those of you playing along for cash and prizes, i work in a coffeehouse. and since coffee is the second highest traded commodity (next to oil) i have, what i like to call, Job Security. which means that i am BIZZY. all day long. and with it being the holiday season... that's extra bizzy. with fries and a shake.

so. now that the challenge has been issued to blog. (before another 29 days passes)

i am here.

and i have funny.

as a matter of fact (10 coffeebeans to whomever can tell me the meaning and derivative of that saying) i have LOTS of funny.

wanna hee it, hee it go.

a co-worker and i have decided to dress LIKE christmas trees on the 24th. we realized that we are at that in-between age where holiday sweaters aren't cool, unless we are teachers and even then, its iffy. so, since we aren't 12.... or 42.... we can't pull it off.

so... what if we DRESSED LIKE the holiday?
we are going to get big green sweatshirts and somehow manage to attach ornaments to our personal selves and fashion some type of Star/Angel Tree-Topper headband and affix all manner of lights of the twinkling and flashing variety to ourselves, as well.

BUT WAIT, there's more. we are also going to wear one of those Jingle Bells the size of a uterus around our necks as well. i mean if you are going to be gaudy, do it up right, right?

yes, pictures will be taken. merriment will abound. sides will hurt. children will flee in terror. ahhhh.... holiday spirit.

so, we got spirit, yes we do.....
we got spirit, how bout you?






as an addendum, we have a variation on a theme... and we are also able to recycle. what can we say? we are givers.

in order to get the most bang for our buck, we have devised a way to turn our Holiday Spirit into a Halloween Costume.

yes, i know you are curious, but be patient, Grasshopper, it's coming.

BEFORE we go out on October 31st in our Holiday Tree outfit, we shall consume massive quantities of LIQUOR, BEER, WINE, or any combination thereof.

thus making us







LIT CHRISTMAS TREES.


it doesnt get much funnier than that. if it does, don't tell me.

things i have realized:

1. all of my friends are funnier than me.
2. all of my friends have better racks than me. (including the one i "bought" for Special K)
3. all of my friends "get me" and then go one level beyond that.
4. i need to subscribe to a "word of the day" mailing list, because i use ordinary words. when is the last time you heard someone say "counter-intuitive"?
5. even though my friends are funnier than me, i am that girl who just says any ole thing that comes to her head... therefore making me more fun at parties.

so its not a great list, but new year's resolution time is coming up... and i now have a jump on everyone else. too bad i cant do anything about the "funnier than me" part.

i do like making people laugh, though. i even had a woman ask me if was in "acting" the other night while standing in line to use the Ladies. she even told me i was funny and asked if i had ever considered doing Stand-Up. the answer to that is YES! i would love to stand up in front of hundreds of people and make them laugh until the audience sounded like a bagpipe when you step on it. but i am funnier in a group. i need to feed off someone or something. i think they call that situational humor. ask any of my girlfriends from the mountain trip a few weeks ago. i was the one liner girl. i even got this phone call on the way home, "hey, what was that really funny thing you said?" right... they all were (in my book).

i especially love making one of my friends laugh so hard that she says this: (out of breath and still laughing) "Shut..................THE......................FUCK.........................Up!" i LOVE that. because she is one of those people that saves the F bomb for really special stuff. so if i can get her to say it while clutching her sides, i am golden. golden, i tell you.

so. if anyone can some up with a way for me to be amongst a group of my favorite people and be funny and make a living doing it, then HOLLA!

29 days.

since my last post.


thats ENTIRELY too long.

the day after my last post, i went up to the mountains to play with some of my favorite people. we had illegal amounts of fun. after descending the mountain, i come home to a "broke ass" computer. and i dont mean minor repairs, i mean the fucker wont even turn on.

so, being a girl, i take it to the place where the man-types fix things. "hi, i'm a girl, here's lots of money. make it work."

so they did. but.... the problem was pretty substantial. we had 2 hard drives on our computer, an 80 gig and a 40 gig. the 80 gig got corrupted somehow and we lost EVERYTHING on it. and i mean EVERYTHING. so after dealing with that, it was time to head to amarillo to see my husband.

*more on that adventure later*

so now i am home. got home monday. it took me 12 hours to get home. i left amarillo at 8 am.
i got back here at 10 pm. if i had been in the air that entire time, i would be in italy. but no.... i got to spend 4 hours in the oklahoma city airport and then 2 in the memphis airport. yay me.

so, after the traveling i get up and at em to work at 6 the next morning. and didnt leave work until 9 that night. welcome to christmas season in the retail world. wednesday i worked 9 hours and yesterday i worked almost 13.

good thing i get overtime.

so, i have been a world traveler and a busy bee with a "broke ass" computer.


but i am alive. and being 29 feels much the same as 28 did, but with more candles on the cake.