Husband and i went to the Kid Rock concert and the following is my very NON-PC account of the night.
let me just give the disclaimer now. if you are easily offended by the terms:
- redneck
- incest
- molester
- inbred
- lazy fuck
if you are NOT offended by those words, then read on, cause love, i gots a story to tell.
holy jeebus. i KNEW that the Kid Rock concert was going to have some rednecks there. and i am fully aware that i live IN the SOUTH. but its times like this that reaffirm my faith in education, medical assistance, proper diet, and knowing When to say NO.
like No to:
- Drugs
- Mullets
- Fried Twinkies
- Your Horny Cousin
- Bleached Blonde Hair
- Making your Clothes Better With the Aid of Scissors
- and The Bartender
with that being said, lets begin our journey...
Husband and i looked great. we didn't want to stand out, but we sure as shit didn't want to "blend in" i looked like my usual rock star self, and he looked like "yes, i can wear a hawaiian shirt and not be hawaiian or gay"
i had to go to the bathroom as soon as we got there. when i came out, Husband said, "i do believe i have seen every stereotype here." i got scared, but decided to overcome my fears with a little game. i said, "how bout we play 'Count the Confederate Flags? Or maybe the Mullets"? he said we should count the ones missing teeth instead. i said, "i cant count that high" and it was true. we saw the girls dressed in the short skirts with the black vinyl knee boots, the 40 year old women who figure if they can stuff their flat square ass in a size 6 jeans, then why cant they wear the low cut shirt to accentuate their saggy boobs? we saw the sorta well dressed to the "i just woke up in the side of the road cause i been drivin.... fer days.... to see..... KID!"
ok ok ok... we got to our seats and began to play my ALL TIME FAVORITE GAME, People Watching and Their Lives, as told by Us. i swear this is the BEST GAME EVER and you can play it anywhere. it doesn't have any parts to lose or choke on. wanna play?
so we see the family of 4 coming down the steps.
mother: age late 30's, bleached blonde, permed hair. with bangs. tight jeans, t-shirt.
next is junior: age 7, wearing wife beater, black baggy jeans, blonde hair, beginner mullet, black Kid Rock style hat and a cane.
daughter: age 14? maybe? (they don't make em the same way they did when i was 14) wearing a red tight mid-riff bearing t-shirt with black playboy bunny on it, short black skirt, scraggy dirty blonde hair, trucker cap, red, with black playboy bunny airbrushed on it. and i think platform flip flops. too much makeup.
and dear old dad: late 30's early 40's, blonde hair, mullet, permed, very tan, white t-shirt with the arms cut off so if he stands sideways you can look between his beer gut and his shirt through the other side, tight jeans, and molester moustache.
we have the setting... now the game. i said to Husband, "here comes the Smith Family, but what Mrs Smith doesnt know is Dad sneaks into Little Suzies room at night. Good thing they put that trailer on blocks 3 years ago, otherwise Mrs Smith would have known what was going on when the Trailer started Rockin and Mr Smith was nowhere to be found." Husband laughs, but later says when Mr Smith and Suzie to the concession stand, "maybe he didn't get enough before they left, he's gotta tag her in the mens room." but when Mr Smith comes back later, with beers and no Suzie, and Suzie comes down later with 2 drinks and popcorn, Husband says "i bet it cost her a Blowie for the corn."
*****yes, we are hateful, mean-spirited people. we know that. but i warned you*****
thus the game. you pick your mark, and try to deduce their lives outside of the situation in which you find them, in the first place. you know, like the cute couple who walks down the street holding hands, but the way he has her hand held, you can tell he beats her when he gets home. you know what im talking about. it just takes time to figure this shit out. its all mannerisms and surroundings. i mean come on... look at a Trekkie and tell me you havent made up a story about what he does to his Captain Kirk Pillow at night.
see. i told you. you already know how to play the game.
(WARNING: once you start playing it, you will find yourself playing it at the most inopportune times.)
oh right, we were at a concert. i'm sorry. shall we talk about the drunk guy who walked around the lower bowl with his shirt off carrying a beer and trying to make sure all women fell in love with him ON THE SPOT when he tried to moon each of them? or maybe we should talk about his friend who had to accompany him to keep him on task of "going back to our seats, man" but would hold his beer everytime Moony needed to undo his belt? perhaps you would like to hear about the Twinkie Sisters? the ones who weighed 350+ and wore clothes that i wouldn't paint my house in? whatever happened to getting dressed for an event? i know KR's "platform" is being an all american bad-ass, but damn, have some fucking concern for your appearance.
we had all manner of folks wearing the KR concert shirt they bought 20 minutes ago. and those wearing the shirt from previous concerts. as Jeremy Piven said in PCU, "don't be THAT guy. don't be the guy who wears the shirt for the concert he is going to see." for shits sake, WE know you went to a KR concert, we are right next to you smelling your stale smoke, beer breath. wear it on tuesday to show all your buddies that you "were there" and tell them how you hit on the dancing cage girls. they don't know its not the truth. WE know the truth is, you could barely stand up for the opening band.
okokok blah blah people. Concert, right? ok. Puddle of MUDD opens. that drummer can fuckin PLAY. 4 guys in the band. all of them look younger than me. the shit that killed me, was here is this guy, onstage, playing guitar, screaming lyrics into a microphone for thousands, can hardly even SEE the crowd and throws a guitar pick into a group to his right and THEY FREAK! he throws several more throughout the show and at one point, is facing a crowd to his left, and does the "chin lift wassup move" and about 100 people go crazy. as if he directed it to any single person. that's when i realized i really need to be a Rock Star and have THAT kind of power. DAMN. but they rocked.
and then KR. the show was full of pyrotechnics, loud explosions, fire works, and confetti. it was a HELL of a show. the concert was just ok. but the show was good. at one point he sings some redneck song and down drops this HUGE confederate flag at the back of the stage. as it unfurls, the crowd goes wild and i feel like i am at a Nazi Rally. Husband said it was more like a Clan rally. either way, it was freaky. they say the "South will rise again." if this is the south they are talking about... i am 1) fucking terrified and 2) moving AWAY. far far away. i hear costa rica is nice.
to the girl who sat in front of me and smoked and talked on the phone all night: Kid Rock did NOT put on a show in your living room. you paid good money, now get the fuck offa the phone.
to the guy behind us who spilled beer on Husband all night: do you remember the concert at ALL?
to the guy with the cut off sweatshirt that was "off the shoulder" at one point: oh mickey you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind hey mickey!
and to the outspoken guy behind us: HELL MUTHER FUCKIN YEAH!
when "Woo-Hoo" just won't do.
No comments:
Post a Comment