let's get it on

it was an evening in may. as she checked her email, she noticed that she had gotten a response to a fake personal ad she had written in hopes of winning back an ex-boyfriend. the first words in the email were, "i don't usually respond to ads without pictures, but after reading yours, i was inspired to write to you."
and he told her a little bit about himself.

she responded back to it to find out what was so inspiring about her ad. he told her part of it was that her ad said, "i am in search of a Passionate, Spontaneous, Romantic, Playful, Confident, INTELLIGENT Man. one who can stand on his own two feet, yet doesn't mind getting swept off them also. a man who believes in the power of surprises, first kisses, and shooting stars."

he then wrote her that out of all of his friends he was the most sappy and romantic. she wrote him that she could "out-sap" him anyplace, anytime. he wrote back, "bring it, rookie"

and for a few days they wrote back and forth finding out all sorts of amazing things about each other. and one night he gave her his phone number. and she called. and he couldn't believe that she was real. that she liked the same stuff he did, that she was funny, and charming and intelligent. but she had only seen a few pictures of him and she hadn't sent him any pictures of herself yet. so they talked and talked and talked.... and then one day, he didn't call. and three days later she hadn't heard from him. and so she figured she had scared him away somehow.

but then he called. he apologized to her for not letting her know that was going out of town for his birthday and was happy to talk to her again. so for about a month and a half, they talked and emailed and she finally sent some pictures of herself and he was hooked. they made plans to meet. he was going to come up from beaufort the first weekend in august, with a friend, to see her. and the plans were in place. and it got closer and closer to august. and they were falling more and more for each other. they had gotten very close. and had "tied up all loose ends" and weren't seeing other people. and were making long term plans.

and then one friday night. the weekend before he was supposed to come see her, he found out that she didn't have to work that weekend. so he said, "why don't you come here?" but it had been storming that day and it was getting late and she was unsure about it. and he kept calling. and the last time he called she answered the phone with, "ok, so how do i get there?"

and she packed a few clothes and hopped in her truck at 9 pm on a friday night and headed south. 3 and half hours south. to a marine corps base. to meet a man she had never met. and did not have a back up plan in case he wasn't all he said he was. and her mother was against the idea. and her ex-boyfriend whom she was trying to get back told her she should go, because they realized they were better friends. and so she went. she threw caution to the wind. and went to meet a boy.

and as she pulled up... she took SEVERAL deep breaths, then dialed the phone to let him know she was there... and she hesitated before she pushed the last button... and then he said, "i'll be right out."

OH SHIT, this is it! he is going to be some kind of troll. or worse, he will think i am a troll. and what if he does... oh shit, is THAT him? he's HOT! no way. that cant be him. here he comes. smile. toss the hair. try not to fidget. oh, damn he smells good. and those arms.. and that smile. and he wants to hug me... "hi, i made it"
oh let me just not melt right here. "ok, we'll go inside, sure. yeah i could use a beverage." he wants to hold hands! please don't let me trip. "actually, i have to go to the bathroom, i will be right back." is he staring at my ass? did he just point at me and whisper, "oh yeah, she's here with me" oh jeez, now all of his friends are going to be staring. act normal. you can do this.

so they hung out at the bar, then went downtown to meet a friend. and as they were waiting for his friend, he said "let me go ahead and alleviate Kim's fears" and he leaned over and kissed her. and it was perfect.

(her friend kim asked her one night, "what if he's a bad kisser?" and she shared that story with him before they met)

and they walked along the river side and held hands. and then they went to his barracks. and she was freaked out a little, but he was being such a gentleman. and they talked and talked some more and couldn't believe there were really laying eyes on each other. that they were really in each other's space, breathing the same air. and it was beautiful. they made love well into the morning that was the beginning of forever.

that was 5 years ago, today.

Happy Anniversay Baby.

i am just as much in love with you now as i was then.

and my love for you grows each moment.

here is to a billion more tomorrows.

~ christel

careful, i'm contagious

excuse me.

pardon me.

coming through.

oops, sorry, pardon me.

make a hole.

excuse me.

why yes, i do have my hands full, thanks for holding that door for me.

coming through.

excuse me.

oh this? this thing here in my hands? oh it's a SOAP BOX.
what am i going to do with it?

stand back and watch while i climb upon it.



oh yeah. i got a BONE to pick tonight kids.

while watching BratCamp tonight, i saw a commercial for an upcoming episode of Good Morning America where they are running a story on a Church that turns Gay people Straight.





yeah, you heard me.

so i got online to see if i could find more info about it and i ran across this article.

ya know what, ima go ahead and post it here as well... pay close attention to that which i have bolded.


June 28, 2005 — Tennessee officials closed an investigation into a so-called ex-gay ministry because of a lack of evidence to support child abuse allegations. But the Memphis organization that says instilling Christian beliefs can keep gays from acting on their homosexual desires continues to be the center of controversy.
The Tennessee Department of Children's Services began an investigation into Love In Action, which advertises homosexual conversion therapy for adolescents, after a 16-year-old boy's blog started causing a stir in the blogosphere.

"Zach" wrote in his blog that he was admitted into the facility by his parents after he told them he was gay. He said he was to be admitted to Refuge, a camp associated with Love In Action on June 6 and was to remain there at least until June 20, according to a June 3 blog entry. According to some fellow bloggers who have been in intermittent contact with Zach, he gets dropped off at the facility daily and returns home with his parents.

Love In Action is supported by several Memphis-area churches, and accredited by Exodus International, an organization that describes itself as "a worldwide interdenominational, Christian organization called to encourage, strengthen, unify and equip Christians to minister the transforming power of the Lord Jesus Christ to those affected by homosexuality."

"DCS dispatched its special investigations unit to the facility, and after conducting a full investigation, determined that the child abuse allegations were unfounded," Rob Johnson, an agency spokesman, told The Associated Press.

John Smid, executive director of Love In Action, said the allegations were never described to him but he assumed they involved a complaint of psychological abuse.
The program, Smid said, "is to help kids to grow in their relationship with Christ."
In a May 30 entry on Zach's blog he posted the rules of the Refuge Program. Under a heading called Hygiene, it says, "1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene, including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing teeth twice daily.

Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly, and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn at all times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly.

All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is colored, highlighted or streaked, must be dyed back to its original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance into the Refuge program."


Officials from Love In Action appealed for tolerance at a June 16 news conference. Phone calls to Love In Action were not returned by press time.

"It is our spiritual conviction that sexual behavior outside of heterosexual marriage is considered wrong in the sight of God," said John Smid, the program's director, who describes himself as "ex-gay," according to a transcript of the news conference available on the Love In Action Web site.

"This program is operated on the will of the guardian or parent. We will work with the minor children as long as they are not overtly distracting to their own program or the program of others," Smid added. "If it is shown that the client is overtly treatment resistant, we will work with the parent towards alternative options for their care and overall relational health."

For the past two weeks, a group called Queer Action Coalition, which was formed after hearing Zach's story, has protested outside the camp.

"They claim to present themselves as an alternative to the gay lifestyle but then say you are going to have a miserable life if you live this lifestyle," said Amanda Lefevre, spokeswoman for Queer Action Coalition.
Lefevre said that the group was organized after it heard about Zach's blog.

Wayne Besen, who studies "ex-gay" camps, said that there are at least 100 ministries across the country that offer programs that attempt to make heterosexuals out of homosexuals. Some are live-in ministries while others are drop-off centers.

"These ministries are a bastion of abuse where the unqualified pose as mental health professionals," he said. "It's ruining lives and no one regulates it."

He said the camps offer workshops created to train attendees.

"There are lipstick lesbian seminars and workshops for boys that tell them what kind of underwear they should wear," he said. "They also offer tips like telling you to grocery shop just before closing so you will go at a time when there won't likely be people you are attracted to."

Zach has not entered anything in his blog since June 3.

On May 29, the teen wrote that his parents sat him down and told him he was going to a "fundamentalist Christian program for gays."

"They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they 'raised me wrong.' I'm a big screw up to them, who isn't on the path God wants me to be on. So I'm sitting here in tears, [joining] the rest of those kids who complain about their parents on blogs — and I can't help it," Zach wrote.

His blog has received thousands of comments since it appeared.
(written by By ROSE PALAZZOLO)

*steps up on soap box*

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????????

i am speechless. but only because i have SO many things to say andi dont know how to get them out without them sounding like a giant guttural dinosaur bellow.

first off, in case you haven't divined MY feelings on homosexuality, let me just say that i have MORE gay friends than straight friends and there is not a single thing different about them. except that my gay friends use words like "room-mate" and "partner" instead of "husband" or "wife" or "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". but we can talk about my views on Gay Marriage later. (for the record, love is love is love.)

so, now that everyone knows where i stand.... i think i shall rant:

who the FUCK are these people to say that because a boy finds love in the company of another boy its wrong? i thought jesus taught about LOVE. didn't know there were rules to it. also, who said it was a condition???? in MY OPINION, i think its genetic. so, its not something that can be "changed" or "therapied" out of someone. it's like me not being a spazmonkey anymore. it's who i am. it cant be changed or broken. so the idea of Gay to Straight Camp sickens me.
and the thing about the hygiene... are we turning them "straight" or into Beaver Cleaver? so much for diversity. i guess that means that since haven't shaved my legs in 3 days and my hubsand's hair is well past his collar, we must be gay. oh shit. i'm gay. i mean it must have happened when i dyed my hair PURPLE! it's the hair coloring that made me catch the gay! oh man, i feel sorry for all of those people who came to our wedding. apparently its now a sham. because my husband and i are now gay. good thing they have a CAMP for it.
and another thing... did they ACTUALLY use the term "lipstick lesbians??? and tips to "grocery shop just before closing so you will go at a time when there won't likely be people you are attracted to." i can't even form a coherent sentence to relate to this level of stupidity.

*steps off soap box*

sure, i'm being a bit one-sided. but hey, its MY blog. and i have every right to. but just so you know, you are now reading a Gay Blog. (wonder how many hits i am going to get because of THAT phrase)

ok. breathe.

everyone is entitled to thier opinion. and i am entitled to talk about how stupid their opinion is.

i think i am going to start a Straight to Gay Camp.... who's with me?

what a welcome...

yeah, i'm back.

and i will tell you all about it soon, but let me JUST tell you about TONIGHT'S fun.


so after work, i decide to grab a little something to eat. and i see BK so i decide to give it a go. i hardly EVER eat BK. like never. flame-broiling makes me YACK. but i wanted a chicken sandwich.

i ordered it.
the girl told me my total.
i pulled up to the first window.
she asked me if i had the double bacon cheeseburger.
i shake my head no.
she asked me if i had the big kids chicken meal.
i shake my head no.
she asked me to wait.
she gets someone to help her.
she asked if i had the chicken sandwich.
i shake my head yes.
i pay.
i wait to pull up to the next window because the car in front of me had a big order.
i see 3 drinks go into the car.
i see the car pull up.
i pull up to the next window.
i get my food.
and the guy in front of me hasn't moved.
and he hasn't left me enough room to pull around him.
i honk.
he looks at me in the rearview.
i lean my head out the window and ask him to scoot up.
he sticks his hand out the widow and waves.
he then motions for me to go around.
i am blocked in by a van.
i let FUCKASS know this.
he sticks his arm out the window and gives me a peace sign.
i ask if he can scoot up.
he shakes his head no.
i get right up on his bumper.
he looks at me in the rearview.
i then TELL him to scoot up.
he gives me a thumbs up.
had he not had his family, i would have shown him my OWN hand gesture.
i ask him if he can't scoot up.
he thrusts his BK cup out the window, points to the Fantastic 4 character on the cup and says, "i just saw this movie"
i say, "fantastic, now can you scoot up"
he says it's impossible.
i ask him if he could be any MORE of a jackass.
he says that's why he isn't scooting up.
the van behind me backs up, so i can get out.
i have to RESTRAIN myself from clipping him as i speed away.



they ALWAYS fuck you in the drive thru.

if i'd had it my way, i would have shot him in the face.

welcome home, christel, welcome home.

puh-hoe-nix

ok so it's almost 7am on a sunday. i've been up for over an hour. usually Eddie is just coming to bed at this time.... the world is off its axis, methinks.

we went out for a lovely anniversary celebration last night. he STILL knows how to keep me on my toes. he always surprises me just enough that i don't put anything past him. dinner was amazing. he was amazing. our love is amazing. i could go on... and probably will at a later date, but being all goopy about my husband is NOT the purpose for this post.


and even though there IS a purpose for this post, i have to share something funny i read while i was meandering through the internet on my way to the blog-o-sphere.

that damned Willie Nelson cracks me up. i mean i am supposed to love him because it's a Texas gene.... BUT... how much do you love that he FORGOT he is coming out with a reggae album. and even better, how much do you love the description of the cover? and even MORE importantly how many of you KNOW i will SO own that when it comes out???

i was thrown TOTALLY off my game when i read that. i had been cooking up this post and then read that and had to share.


now, down to business.

i think the only way to tell you all is to just rip it off like a band-aid instead of draggin it out.

ok. ready?








I AM LEAVING FOR PHOENIX FOR TWO WEEKS FOR TRAINING FOR WORK AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BLOG!



there i said it.

you, my darling, adoring fans will have to go 2 whole weeks without reading about the dumb shit i do, the funny shit i say, or the asinine ideas i hatch. but all will be ok. you all still have each other for support. you can use my comment box (heh heh i said box) like a message board of support to keep each other's spirits up. i know it will be hard. i know you will be sad and feel like something has gone missing in your life. i know, my little pets, i know.

but i PROMISE to take a journal so i can keep track of all the shit i will have to tell you when i get home, ok? because my daddy said the only thing to do in phoenix is to try to stay cool and drink margaritas. and if i remember correctly margaritas are an ingredient in my goofball antics sometimes... right?


ok, so i have made casseroles and left clear instructions for emergencies (i.e. running out of gin) for you guys. play nice and momma might bring you back a souvenir.

We are gathered here today

We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Christel and Edward and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives. Marriage is a supreme sharing of experience, and an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the joyous union of two people whose comradeship and mutual understanding have flowered in romance. Today Christel and Edward proclaim their love and commitment to the world, and we gather here to rejoice, with and for them, in the new life they now undertake together.

The joy we feel now is a solemn joy, because the act of marriage has many consequences, both social and personal. Marriage requires "love," a word we often use with vagueness and sentimentality. We may assume that love is some rare and mystical event, when in fact it is our natural state of being.
So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities, which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty. And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One, who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us. We, who love, can look at each other's life and say, "I touched his life," or, "I touched her life," just as an artist might say, "I touched this canvas." "Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me." Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.

The secret of love and marriage is similar to that of religion itself. It is the emergence of the larger self. It is the finding of one's life by losing it. Such is the privilege of husband and wife - to be each himself, herself and yet another; to face the world strong, with the courage of two. To make this relationship work, therefore, takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey. The true art of married life is in this an inner spiritual journey. It is a mutual enrichment, a give and take between two personalities, a mingling of two endowments, which diminishes neither, but enhances both.

Through this co-operation, we give ourselves, our lives and love. Into the hands of the one we love. We do so trustingly and generously. And so, each of us receives a gift: the life and love of the other. We receive this gift, not only from the one we love, but also from the parents who brought us into the world, and from our friends and families as well. And so as Christel and Edward’s friends and family, we are here to share with them this joy and hope, and to see them off on the path they will walk together. May it be a path of blessedness, bright with flowers of prosperity and spiritual awakening; a path of ever deepening, ever broadening love that they will travel, arm in arm. Through out eternity.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to the Most Wonderful Husband in the World.

this past year has been beyond difficult for us both and i am so pleased to see that not only did we make it through the other side, but we came out smiling, laughing, and in love. a feat i never even dreamed possible. thank you for allowing me the opportunity to give you second chances and for you giving me the same.

i love you more now than i ever have and that love can only grow day by day.
because your hand on my chest is still my hand. and when you close your eyes, i sleep.

i love you.
~christel

how did i get so lucky?

"can i just leave my uterus at home today?"

"sure, i will uterus-sit for you"

"because it hurts me today"

"i will put it in time-out until it learns how to behave"